Chapter 226: Rage vs calm detachment
Eldrian sulked even more after Evale said this. Reaching Tier 2 was not easy, especially since he didn't know how to go about doing so. He really hoped that this wouldn't be the case for each Tier, searching in the dark was quickly becoming tiring. While it is interesting, it took too much effort and time. Leaving Eldrian too weak to help, causing him to feel useless.
This was enhanced even more when Eldrian looked at the forums and especially the rankings. For level, he was still doing quite well. The highest level player was only level 20, so Eldrian was just three levels behind. Though he was no longer in the top 100.
The Tier ranking was much more demoralizing. He had long since been kicked out of the top 100, it was fully occupied by Tier 2 players at this stage. Many had even posted that they simply needed to grind their weapon rank to 3 and they would immediately reach Tier 3. Reading this Eldrian couldn't help but wish it was so simple for him. Knowing what he had to do...
Eldrian did not just sulk the night away though, he had a full night. He felt they were still in a safe area, and with Evale here Eldrian doubted there would be any trouble. Thus he told himself that he could do what he wanted, and he wanted to try and meditate again. But before that he had to inform Constantin and Gengxin what he was going to attempt, and that he would likely miss some of the morning.
He did this by using the system to access the company network and sent them this message. This was something that Constantin had taught him to do, after Eldrian had used the forum to try and contact them. While that had worked, it had only worked since he was being monitored. This method was far better as only the person he contacted would receive the message. This was only available to employees of Miracle though, functioning similar to emails.
Having done this Eldrian knew that he could use all the time he needed. Knowing that he was going to need more than just three or four hours, the amount of time that was left before morning IRL. Luckily he had made sure to eat a large supper to keep himself able should something have happened and he couldn't log out at a normal time. Something he was keenly aware might happen in such missions.
Clearing his mind, Eldrian looked around one last time at the others. Casting Nidia and entering the magic abyss once he had glanced at each person. From there he again tried to focus in on himself, into his consciousness. He still didn't know what he was trying to focus on, now he felt he might even be trying to find his soul. Though he really doubted it, he kept this option open in his mind.
So he searched without knowing for what, he believed that he simply wanted to find himself in the magic abyss. Something that was seemingly impossible as the hours passed. Eldrian naturally didn't even feel the flow of time as he searched in the starry black abyss. He spread out his mind to try and touch on anything that might be there with him.
Hours passed without any new progress being made. Until, finally, Eldrian sense something. It was faint but he instantly felt connected to this. What is this? It doesn't feel like any magic I am used to. It doesn't feel like mana, nor like mageia... It just feels like... Emotions...
Eldrian didn't know what he was really sensing, but somehow he understood what it was about: A burning intensity of anger, wanting to avenge those lost. To kill all who had wronged him; A chilling calmness, detached from caring. Simply wishing to analyze and rationalize all, to not care for loss.
Just feeling these caused Eldrian's heart to ache, while also causing him great confusion. One tugging emotion wanted him to scream in rage and just rush forward into the unknown. The other wanted him to just sit and let go of all the pain, to forget everything 'emotional'. The longer he felt them, the longer he focused; the stronger all the feelings became.
It quickly became too much for Eldrian. The emotions started pulling out his worst memories, his nightmares. This caused Eldrian great emotional pain, but he could still manage to hold out and try to focus on the feeling the two emotions gave him.
More time passed and his memories started being distorted. Instead of just true memories playing out in front of Eldrian, his worst-case thoughts started to pop up as vision. At first this wasn't too bad as Eldrian knew they were fake, but as more time passed he started losing the ability to recognize if something had happened or not.
At this stage he no longer wanted to push further. He wanted it to stop, he wanted the memories to fade. Those fake and real. He just wanted the pain to go away. One emotion gave him just this gateway, but he didn't want to take it.
He did not want to forget! Whether the pain was real or fake, Eldrian knew it meant something. He wanted to hold onto that.
It pained, but that told him that it was real. At least the fact that he cared for those in these memories, that he no longer knew of as real or fake. If he just forgot then this would no longer be. While these images filling his vision broke his heart, they told him that he cared for the person he saw being ripped apart. It told him that this wasn't just something he could give up on.
He couldn't allow himself to forget that!
Yet he wanted to run away from these visions, he dared not face the pain. He didn't want to see the terrible things done to the people he cared for. Neither of the two emotions gave him this option. Both refused to let him, not now that he had unlocked them. They grabbed onto his consciousness, keeping him from leaving his introspection. His darkest fears.
Eldrian was stuck living out his nightmare. Watching all those he had grown close to die in front of him, slowly even his family entered the visions. Eldrian had no idea how they had gotten here and a part of him told him that it was impossible. Yet seeing the pain on their faces tore at him, no matter if something told him this was fake.
The longer he stayed stuck here, the more he wanted to go with rage. To just tear at everything, to destroy what was keeping him. Yet he didn't. Something told him that doing so would not be right, that it would mean abandoning part of him. That it would mean giving up on caring, on loving others.
Hours passed again, Eldrian slowly started to feel his mind becoming numb to the emotional torment. He became desperate, wishing it all to just end. He turned to the system, hoping to call out. To log out.
No response came... He was stuck...
Eldrian became terrified as his last hope vanished and he started forgetting that he was in a simulation, in a game. He started to feel like this was reality, that his loved ones were truly in danger.
As he saw his family being cashed by goblins, believing this to be real, a burst of adrenaline rushed through him and he charged forward shouting.
"No! I do not want to avenge! I want to change the outcome! I want to be able to save those I love! I do not want to lose anyone!" Eldrian shouted this in elven without knowing, his emotions mixed into his words, carrying his anger and defeat. It caused the space to tremble as this shout also carried Eldrian's mana and mageia pulled by his emotions. The vision in front of him faded thanks to this.
"I want to be calm, yet have the strength to fight! I wish to face it all with burning intensity, but complete clarity!" As he shouted this, something seemed to click. The two emotions, instead of fighting each other, mixed. The calmness pointed the rage in a direction, along with Eldrian's own rage. Allowing him to recall the moment where he had cast the Tier 6 lighting spell with the same hope.
He could see each second of it in absolute clarity, and he finally found himself. Or at least a part of himself. The pain subsided and he remembered that he was in a game, that his family was safe... And, that Vivian was safe.
Turning from his mind to the place he was in now, Eldrian found that he was looking at his bleeding heart. The two emotions cutting into it and causing pain that slowly ate at Eldrian through these bleeding wounds.
"What the hell?" Eldrian asked as he calmed down, his own heart ached with each beat. He wondered what this meant, and more importantly where the hell he was now. He was no longer in the magic abyss, yet he was also not in his avatar or IRL.
There was no one to respond to his question, but just asking was enough. Eldrian looked at this heart, this organ slightly different from what he had been taught in biology. He didn't know hearts well enough to know what the differences were, but he was certain this heart wasn't human. Yet it was most certainly his.
This was enhanced even more when Eldrian looked at the forums and especially the rankings. For level, he was still doing quite well. The highest level player was only level 20, so Eldrian was just three levels behind. Though he was no longer in the top 100.
The Tier ranking was much more demoralizing. He had long since been kicked out of the top 100, it was fully occupied by Tier 2 players at this stage. Many had even posted that they simply needed to grind their weapon rank to 3 and they would immediately reach Tier 3. Reading this Eldrian couldn't help but wish it was so simple for him. Knowing what he had to do...
Eldrian did not just sulk the night away though, he had a full night. He felt they were still in a safe area, and with Evale here Eldrian doubted there would be any trouble. Thus he told himself that he could do what he wanted, and he wanted to try and meditate again. But before that he had to inform Constantin and Gengxin what he was going to attempt, and that he would likely miss some of the morning.
He did this by using the system to access the company network and sent them this message. This was something that Constantin had taught him to do, after Eldrian had used the forum to try and contact them. While that had worked, it had only worked since he was being monitored. This method was far better as only the person he contacted would receive the message. This was only available to employees of Miracle though, functioning similar to emails.
Having done this Eldrian knew that he could use all the time he needed. Knowing that he was going to need more than just three or four hours, the amount of time that was left before morning IRL. Luckily he had made sure to eat a large supper to keep himself able should something have happened and he couldn't log out at a normal time. Something he was keenly aware might happen in such missions.
Clearing his mind, Eldrian looked around one last time at the others. Casting Nidia and entering the magic abyss once he had glanced at each person. From there he again tried to focus in on himself, into his consciousness. He still didn't know what he was trying to focus on, now he felt he might even be trying to find his soul. Though he really doubted it, he kept this option open in his mind.
So he searched without knowing for what, he believed that he simply wanted to find himself in the magic abyss. Something that was seemingly impossible as the hours passed. Eldrian naturally didn't even feel the flow of time as he searched in the starry black abyss. He spread out his mind to try and touch on anything that might be there with him.
Hours passed without any new progress being made. Until, finally, Eldrian sense something. It was faint but he instantly felt connected to this. What is this? It doesn't feel like any magic I am used to. It doesn't feel like mana, nor like mageia... It just feels like... Emotions...
Eldrian didn't know what he was really sensing, but somehow he understood what it was about: A burning intensity of anger, wanting to avenge those lost. To kill all who had wronged him; A chilling calmness, detached from caring. Simply wishing to analyze and rationalize all, to not care for loss.
Just feeling these caused Eldrian's heart to ache, while also causing him great confusion. One tugging emotion wanted him to scream in rage and just rush forward into the unknown. The other wanted him to just sit and let go of all the pain, to forget everything 'emotional'. The longer he felt them, the longer he focused; the stronger all the feelings became.
It quickly became too much for Eldrian. The emotions started pulling out his worst memories, his nightmares. This caused Eldrian great emotional pain, but he could still manage to hold out and try to focus on the feeling the two emotions gave him.
More time passed and his memories started being distorted. Instead of just true memories playing out in front of Eldrian, his worst-case thoughts started to pop up as vision. At first this wasn't too bad as Eldrian knew they were fake, but as more time passed he started losing the ability to recognize if something had happened or not.
At this stage he no longer wanted to push further. He wanted it to stop, he wanted the memories to fade. Those fake and real. He just wanted the pain to go away. One emotion gave him just this gateway, but he didn't want to take it.
He did not want to forget! Whether the pain was real or fake, Eldrian knew it meant something. He wanted to hold onto that.
It pained, but that told him that it was real. At least the fact that he cared for those in these memories, that he no longer knew of as real or fake. If he just forgot then this would no longer be. While these images filling his vision broke his heart, they told him that he cared for the person he saw being ripped apart. It told him that this wasn't just something he could give up on.
He couldn't allow himself to forget that!
Yet he wanted to run away from these visions, he dared not face the pain. He didn't want to see the terrible things done to the people he cared for. Neither of the two emotions gave him this option. Both refused to let him, not now that he had unlocked them. They grabbed onto his consciousness, keeping him from leaving his introspection. His darkest fears.
Eldrian was stuck living out his nightmare. Watching all those he had grown close to die in front of him, slowly even his family entered the visions. Eldrian had no idea how they had gotten here and a part of him told him that it was impossible. Yet seeing the pain on their faces tore at him, no matter if something told him this was fake.
The longer he stayed stuck here, the more he wanted to go with rage. To just tear at everything, to destroy what was keeping him. Yet he didn't. Something told him that doing so would not be right, that it would mean abandoning part of him. That it would mean giving up on caring, on loving others.
Hours passed again, Eldrian slowly started to feel his mind becoming numb to the emotional torment. He became desperate, wishing it all to just end. He turned to the system, hoping to call out. To log out.
No response came... He was stuck...
Eldrian became terrified as his last hope vanished and he started forgetting that he was in a simulation, in a game. He started to feel like this was reality, that his loved ones were truly in danger.
As he saw his family being cashed by goblins, believing this to be real, a burst of adrenaline rushed through him and he charged forward shouting.
"No! I do not want to avenge! I want to change the outcome! I want to be able to save those I love! I do not want to lose anyone!" Eldrian shouted this in elven without knowing, his emotions mixed into his words, carrying his anger and defeat. It caused the space to tremble as this shout also carried Eldrian's mana and mageia pulled by his emotions. The vision in front of him faded thanks to this.
"I want to be calm, yet have the strength to fight! I wish to face it all with burning intensity, but complete clarity!" As he shouted this, something seemed to click. The two emotions, instead of fighting each other, mixed. The calmness pointed the rage in a direction, along with Eldrian's own rage. Allowing him to recall the moment where he had cast the Tier 6 lighting spell with the same hope.
He could see each second of it in absolute clarity, and he finally found himself. Or at least a part of himself. The pain subsided and he remembered that he was in a game, that his family was safe... And, that Vivian was safe.
Turning from his mind to the place he was in now, Eldrian found that he was looking at his bleeding heart. The two emotions cutting into it and causing pain that slowly ate at Eldrian through these bleeding wounds.
"What the hell?" Eldrian asked as he calmed down, his own heart ached with each beat. He wondered what this meant, and more importantly where the hell he was now. He was no longer in the magic abyss, yet he was also not in his avatar or IRL.
There was no one to respond to his question, but just asking was enough. Eldrian looked at this heart, this organ slightly different from what he had been taught in biology. He didn't know hearts well enough to know what the differences were, but he was certain this heart wasn't human. Yet it was most certainly his.
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