As if reaching the peak of a high-altitude mountain, breathing suddenly became heavy and difficult, and Wenying’s words echoed in Tang Xu’s head. Tang Xu could receive them, but he couldn’t understand them completely.
“Despised… oneself?” Even though the first half of Wenying’s sentence surprised Tang Xu, the second half made him feel frightened.
“Mr. Tang and Sihang have been together for a long time; haven’t you noticed any problems?”
After asking this question, Wenying did not give Tang Xu any time to think but revealed the answer herself.
“Three years ago, Si Hang came to my clinic for the first time, alone. Before deciding whether to accept him, I chatted with him and didn’t think he had any problems. He had excellent grades, was talented in many areas, and was popular with classmates at school. Although he was adopted, he had a good relationship with his parents, and there were no conflicts. Anyone who looked at him would think he was a praiseworthy student and child. I even thought he was just bored, so he came for psychological counselling. But as we continued to chat, after I gave him a psychological assessment, I discovered a very serious problem…”
At this point, like the brief calm before every storm, Wen Ying made a short pause. Tang Xu took this moment to do some mental preparation for himself. He didn’t even realise how nervous he was, but he had already held his breath and was waiting for what might be even more difficult for him to accept from Wen Ying.
“Everyone has a sense of self-identity, regardless of the degree. Self-identity can be simply understood as a person rationally viewing and accepting oneself, accepting the outside world, and realising oneself. But Tang Cuo completely lacks any sense of self-identity, and even all his knowledge of himself is very negative. As a result, he has closed himself off and become disconnected from the world.”
After Wen Ying’s words fell silent for a long time, Tang Xu finally came back to his senses from the shock. He eagerly wanted to argue, “But he is very excellent…”
“I used to think that too, but how can I explain it to you? Later on, his growth was more like…” Wenying hesitated for a moment, as if searching for the right words: “more like following an ‘excellence manual’, which states that he should have good academic performance, get along well with people around him, and be obedient. So he did everything to meet those requirements, but he didn’t think it was his own excellence. He did it to avoid making mistakes and to become a good kid in your and others’ eyes. That’s why he demanded so much of himself.”
Tang Xu sat motionless, listening to every word Wenying said. Although he still found it hard to believe, he gradually calmed down. Because he knew that what Wenying said was the truth, even if it was cruel, it was still the truth.
Sensing Wenying’s gaze on him, he said in a deep voice, “I… probably understand what you mean.”
WenYing continued, “The reason why he is like this, in my analysis, is mainly related to two people. The first is his mother. His mother conveyed too many thoughts to him during his childhood, such as “he shouldn’t have been born, he is a shame to himself,’ to the extent that he already classified himself as an existence that should not exist in his subconscious mind when he was a child. As for his mother’s death, he regards himself as a representative of the suffering his mother endured. He believes that his mother chose death because she saw him and thought about the hopeless life that lay ahead for him.”
“But the influence of his mother, in his early years, may not have been manifest and could only be considered a latent danger to his psychological well-being. I hope Mr. Tang won’t mind what I’m about to say… What really made him lose his sense of identity completely was when you sent him away. I don’t know if you understand, but at that time, you were almost his sole source of knowledge about the world, and his feelings for you were not just simple dependence. He later blamed himself and felt guilty towards Miss Shi Xi and towards you, Mr. Tang. No matter what you thought, he always believed it was his own fault that made you give up on him.”
“Abandonment” is perhaps the cruellest word in the world of emotions. Especially for Tang Cuo.
The table next to them had already been replaced by a new group of people, this time a mother with a child who was clamouring for a children’s meal. Tang Xu felt too panicked in his heart, blinked his sour eyes trying to find some support, and picked up the coke on the table. Holding it in his hand, it felt heavy, as if it could press down on his heart.
“I…” Tang Xu wanted to say something, but for the first time, he found himself clumsy and at a loss for words.
Understanding his feelings, Wen Ying said, “Don’t rush, you can take some time to digest what I said.”
The two of them sat in silence for a while. By the end, the ice in Tang Xu’s cup had already disappeared without a trace.
The child next to them had probably been yearning for that toy set for a long time. After receiving it, he didn’t even want to eat the burger and was busy showing it off to his mother with excitement.
After silently observing for a while, Wen Ying turned her gaze back to Tang Xu and suddenly asked, “Mr. Tang, do you know that Tang Cuo likes you now?”
Tang Xu nodded, “Yes…I had some suspicions at first, but I only found out for sure yesterday.”
Wen Ying smiled and nodded, but then shook her head. “But you definitely don’t know how much he likes you.”
“You said he was extreme just now, and I also mentioned it. But at that time, he wasn’t extreme. He just had a strong possessiveness towards you. Later on, he became extreme. When I first started treating him, I told him that if he wanted to accept the past and move on, he needed to learn to face it first. Later, he brought me here. You probably remember this place. It was the last time you took him out to eat before sending him to his parents.”
When the story about McDonald’s came out of Wenying’s mouth, it still sounded distant, and he didn’t want to reminisce.
“I remember,” Tang Xu smiled bitterly, “I didn’t let him eat those things back then, but he seemed to really want to. Even though I had already decided to send him to a new family, I still felt a little reluctant in my heart. No matter what he did, he had followed me for so long.”
This was the first time Tang Xu actively recalled what happened that night.
“I just thought, it’s the last time, let’s bring him to eat something he loves… and he said he wanted McDonald’s.”
Tang Xu’s lowered eyes flashed with a different light, only wandering for a moment before quickly hiding away, seemingly taking the original light in his eyes with it, causing his gaze to become like a deep pool of tranquilly.
He could even vividly recall Tang Cuo’s eyes at the time: they turned twice, then stared at him tightly, cautiously, and full of joy.
Wen Ying lowered her head and continued her unfinished words, “So this McDonald’s, in his eyes, also has some symbolic significance.”
“Initially, he brought me here. After we ordered, he took a few bites and then ran to the bathroom to throw up. After he finished, he rinsed his mouth and washed his face, then came back to finish his meal. At the time, he was really extreme and pushed himself to face his most feared past. We came here many times until he was able to calmly order his food and slowly eat it. He told me he had accepted his past and was able to face it. When I asked him why he pushed himself like that, he said it was because he wanted to see me again soon but was afraid of causing any trouble.”
Tang Xu squeezed the coke cup, which had not even been touched, and some of the coke overflowed from the opening of the lid.
The conversation that day was longer and more cruel than he had anticipated.
Wen Ying told him many things that he didn’t know. By the end, he felt a dense pain all over his body. Tang Cuo’s face appeared before him, both the younger version and the present one.
“Actually, if I were to talk to you about Sihang’s situation, there is a lot I could say. After all, it seems that I understand his innermost thoughts the most. But there are still many things that I don’t plan on telling you today. I can see that you don’t dislike Sihang’s feelings, and regardless of the reason for those feelings, you still care for him. If I may be so bold, I’d like to ask, how do you plan on dealing with his affection for you?”
After a long silence, Tang Xu said, “The decision I made at that time was the most wrong decision I have ever made; it was off the charts wrong1“错得离谱”: This idiom means that something was extremely wrong or off the charts wrong, as Tang Xu describes his past decision..” He forced a smile, “There won’t be a second time.”
Wen Ying seemed to feel relieved and nodded gently, “Then I can rest assured.”
Before leaving, Wenying looked at the toy the little boy had finally put on the table and asked Tang Xu as they walked out, “Does the set of toys that came with the children’s meal that night still exist? Si hang mentioned it many times.”
Seven years ago, McDonald’s gave out real children’s toys as gifts, not just hand puppets or keychains: a small train and a set of buildable tracks.
Tang Xu helped Wenying push open the heavy glass door and nodded, “Yes, it’s still there.”
The toy set has been sitting on the top shelf of his bookcase, unopened and untouched. He has cleaned the room many times, and each time he picks up the toy set, he silently puts it back.
Standing at the door of McDonald’s, there were more people coming and going than before, and the lights had turned on, making the street more lively. She looked at Tang Xu and said, “If there’s a chance, let him play with it,”
As time went by, his longing turned into a knot in his heart.
Actually, Tang Xu had a lot of things to do that weekend, but he was feeling quite listless and didn’t do anything. He did smoke quite a bit, though, and when he took out the trash on Sunday, he found the garbage bag was filled with cigarette butts.
He threw the garbage bag into the downstairs trash can. Looking up, he noticed that the sky had darkened and the sun was no longer visible. Only a few rays of light remained, like the flicker of a candle, hanging on the horizon as if unwilling to surrender the world to the darkness.
He lit another cigarette and got into his car.
He hadn’t moved in seven years, but he knew that Tang Cuo had moved. What embarrassed him was that he didn’t know Tang Cuo’s current address.
Tang Cuo spent the weekend at home. His family went out to eat, and his mother took him to the mall to pick out some seasonal clothes. The project was not over yet, and on Sunday afternoon, his parents hurriedly rushed to the capital airport.
Tang Cuo waited for a long time in the airport hall, and when it was almost time for takeoff, he stood at the glass window watching the huge steel monster fly off the ground and pierce into the deep sky. Until he couldn’t see the plane anymore, even by standing on his toes and tilting his chin, he turned around like an old man with drooping shoulders.
Just when he came back from the airport far away, Tang Xu’s phone rang suddenly without any warning.
“Have you had dinner?”
Tang Cuo looked at the empty table and touched his nose, saying, “Yes, I have.”
For some reason, Tang Xu didn’t speak again. This silence made him nervous, and his first reaction was that Tang Xu knew he was lying.
He quickly said, “I haven’t eaten…I was just about to eat…”
His voice became unnatural towards the end because he was guilty and also worried that Tang Xu would blame him for lying.
However, Tang Xu heard a different emotion in his tone. He suddenly felt powerless and didn’t know how to make Tang Cuo not blame himself so easily.
Tang Xu sat in the driver’s seat and rubbed his eyes. He asked, “Have your parents left already?”
Tang Cuo honestly replied, “Yeah, they left in the afternoon.”
“Then let me take you out for dinner. Send me your location on WeChat.”
“Ah…” Tang Cuo stood in the living room, bewildered. He wanted to say “no need,” but he closed his mouth tightly and finally just said, “Oh, okay.”
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