CH 229

{Ah, it’s Ian.}

{We instructed him to draw Albert, that’s why he drew a portrait of Ian. But he’s really good at painting. He managed to capture his subject’s characteristics perfectly and painted it in just five minutes.} 

{Shh!}

The judges that were chatting while watching Woo-Jin paint quickly kept their mouths shut when Pharrell put his finger to his mouth. They were so enamored by the portrait which Woo-Jin painted that they had forgotten that they were in the midst of evaluating his acting. 

Woo-Jin painted the portrait using only red paint. It was the face of Ian, or Albert, who was smiling happily. The brush strokes were bold and dynamic; it truly felt like it was Lloyd’s painting technique that was described in the text. 

***

As soon as he had roughly painted the general shape of his subject, Lloyd put down his brush. He carefully touched up the areas that weren’t satisfactory with his fingers. Whenever he couldn’t portray what he wanted with the brush, Lloyd would use his fingers. Thus, Lloyd’s nails and the skin surrounding them were always stained with oil paint. 

{I should have painted it sooner.}

Perhaps there was something about it that wasn’t to his liking; Lloyd scratched his head nervously as he anxiously paced back and forth in front of the canvas.

{If I had known this was going to happen, I would have painted it earlier. What’s the point of painting him now? Albert isn't inside this painting…}

Albert passed away a few days ago. Lloyd didn’t know his father would die so suddenly –– he was powerless to stop it. If he had been there, he certainly would’ve been able to capture Albert’s soul in his painting. 

Lloyd looked at the other paintings that were hanging in the studio. 

{All of you are here…why is he the only one who’s not here?}

Lloyd’s eyes were always wavering with emotions be it in a moment of madness or anxiousness. But now, they were empty and void of all energy, as though his soul had escaped. 

{All of you are still living even after death, so why is he the only one who is truly dead?}

Lloyd suddenly picked up a box that was lying around next to the canvas and randomly put his brushes and tools in it. 

{Now that there’s no one to tell me I did a good job, what’s the point of having all these things? You praised me even when I showed you paintings of dead people, and you said you could feel their warmth, didn’t you? By any chance, are you watching right now? This is the kind of person your son is. You did this to me!}

Lloyd giggled as he pointed at the paintings that were hanging around his studio with both hands. The studio was filled with clamoring paintings of trapped human souls; it was another hellhole in itself. 

Lloyd was sitting on the chair; his strength had left his body, and the box of painting tools fell from his fingertips. He left the brushes on the floor as he gasped for breath. Behind him was a portrait of Albert’s face painted in red. 

{This is all I’m capable of doing. Without stealing colors and souls from people, my painting is so bland and ugly… You turned a piece of crap like me into a painter.} 

Lloyd flew in a rage just a while ago, but now, his face was drained of all energy and vitality as he despaired. He was in despair because of the grief of losing his father, and even his self-esteem as a painter had crumbled. He realized how ugly his paintings were without the human soul, but that didn’t mean he wanted to trap another person’s soul within Albert’s portrait. 

{I wanted to become an actual painter. I wanted to become an actual son. I wanted to become a decent human being, but why didn’t you give me the chance to do that? You always did as you please, father! You don’t care about someone like me. Was I…a son to you?}

The despair in Lloyd’s eyes engulfed his mind, but the artist’s passion that was as strong as his desire to be loved remained. Lloyd lowered his head slowly and picked up the box and brushes. However, instead of shoving the brushes in haphazardly like he did before, he meticulously arranged them one by one. 

{Even though the painting looks like this, even though this is as good as I can ever be, I’m a painter. I’m the best painter you’ve ever acknowledged.}

Lloyd returned the box of painting tools back on his work desk, and took a brief look at Albert’s painting.

{I will make you, who raised me as a painter, great. That’s my way of loving you.}

Lloyd turned his head slightly, revealing his side profile. A broad smile gradually crept across his face. Lloyd was at a new turning point in his life. The glint in his eyes sparkled once again. Lloyd was more beautiful and radiant than anyone else; he had reawakened as a painter who called upon death.

***

In a short span of time, Woo-Jin managed to express Lloyd’s sadness, despair and frustrations as a painter, as well as the lunatic killer in him as he mourned over Albert’s death. His ever-changing facial expressions, along with the look in his eyes, were diverse, and more importantly, the ambience that captivated the audience was overwhelming. He was so good at expressing emotions that acting out facial expressions alone was enough for him to convey Lloyd’s emotions. In truth, rather than saying Woo-Jin was good at expressing emotions, it was more accurate to say that Lloyd himself was present in the audition hall during that period of time. 

While the other judges were flailing their arms over Woo-Jin’s performance, Ian was excited to act as Albert in front of Lloyd. Pharrell was one of the judges who was at a loss for words. He barely came to his senses and coughed, easing the heavy ambience within the audition hall. 

{Your outfit looks good. Is there a reason why you picked that suit?}

The judges would share their evaluations of his acting afterwards among themselves. Pharrell also asked Woo-Jin the same question that he asked the other actors. Out of all the actors that auditioned today, only two people, including Woo-Jin, wore suits. The rest were dressed in casual and comfortable clothes. If he had dressed in a way that best suited the image of Lloyd in his head, there must have been a reason. 

{From the beginning of the novel, Lloyd was portrayed as a successful painter, but it has been mentioned several times that he was a very thrifty person because he had experienced poverty as a child. However, one can easily infer his sensuous and sophisticated taste from the scene where the author describes the interiors of his house, as well as the scene where he describes the clothes in his closet when Lloyd was preparing to go to the funeral.}

It was mentioned in the novel that Lloyd wore a loose white T-Shirt with a pair of dirty jeans back in the past when he was struggling. During his poverty-stricken childhood, it was obvious what the appearance of a young boy, with a blind father and no one else to take care of him, would be like. Even though there wasn’t a part in the novel that specifically described how Lloyd felt at the time, he was someone who was very sensitive to the opinions of others, as well as their evaluations of him. 

(Hence, I felt that he wouldn’t like the clothes he wore as a child, because people used to tease him about it. And while he didn’t want to look weak or be disregarded by others, that wasn’t his personality. Therefore, he would’ve most likely dressed like a grown-up in order to express his true self.}

Woo-Jin added that since Lloyd couldn’t splurge, he would’ve bought the nicest clothes that showed others how sophisticated and tasteful he was at the lowest possible price. 

Ilya was listening to Woo-Jin’s response via the monitor. He blinked for a moment before scratching his neck. 

{Honestly, you just wrote it without giving it much thought, right?}

Ilya coughed in response to Selena’s question. 

{As a writer who always supports the imaginative minds of my readers…}

In truth, the reason why he rarely talked back was that he didn’t have time to think about such minute details when he was writing. But after listening to Woo-Jin’s explanation, it seemed right, so he didn’t try to give other justifications. 

For reference, the other actor who wore a suit, Edwin Rucker, said the same thing as Woo-Jin in as he talked about how  Lloyd was a successful painter. However, he was different in the sense that he wore an expensive suit, citing the aesthetic sense of a successful painter as his reason. 

{However, I can see that Choi Woo-Jin had done the most research on Lloyd. He took into consideration that the shoes Lloyd wore to the funeral were so tight that he wore them with the back folded in, and showed up wearing a suit and sneakers. More importantly, he was painting while barefoot.}

In the novel, the author had mentioned in passing that Lloyd wiped the paint off his bare feet on a towel on the floor as he was painting. Woo-Jin didn’t miss that detail and expressed it the way it was. 

Apart from him, none of the other actors had painted barefoot. Some of them might not have known about it, but it didn’t seem plausible that none of them were aware of it since it was a piece of information they could get from analytical materials that were posted on websites related to Confession of White. 

While focusing on the script that was used for the audition, people would tend to forget what they knew when they were being thrown a curveball. Since they were flustered and busy focusing only on their task, they made the mistake of leaving out the essence of the character. 

This was the difference between a person who had merely memorized everything, and a person that not only fully understood, but was also familiar with the content. The script given to them was one of the devices used to distinguish both types of people, and Woo-Jin easily passed the test. 

After hearing Selena’s evaluation, a smile briefly appeared on Ilya’s face. But Selena missed it as she had only been staring at the monitor, and maintained her usual poker face. 

{But he seemed to have expressed Lloyd’s feelings for Albert differently from the other actors. The other actors relied on Albert and resented his indifference, and struggled because of it, while Choi Woo-Jin was very affectionate.}

Woo-Jin also resented Albert and yelled at him to take a good look at him, but he looked so desperate and pitiful that it was saddening. Without responding to Selena’s evaluation, Ilya turned on the microphone that was connected to Pharrell's earphones and spoke. 

{Ask Choi Woo-Jin why Lloyd didn’t kill Albert.} 

After hearing Ilya’s question, Pharrell raised his eyebrows while feeling puzzled. It was only natural for Lloyd not to kill Albert; he was Lloyd’s father –– the center of his world, and the sky that allowed him to stand on the ground. Lloyd wasn’t insane enough to kill someone like that. However, Pharrell had no choice but to deliver Ilya’s question word for word. 

{Why didn’t your Lloyd kill Albert?}        

After hearing Pharrell’s abrupt question, the other judges wondered what he was talking about. They all turned to look at him, as though to ask ,‘Why did you ask a question with such an obvious answer?’. 

{Because he hoped that there may be more opportunities.}

However, Woo-Jin answered the stupid question earnestly, and his answer was not what any of them were expecting.

{Huh?}

{Lloyd’s greatest fear was his father finding out his secret. He was engulfed by his fear of being abandoned if his father were to know of the murders he had committed and his unique abilities. He must have thought about killing Albert before a day like that actually came. Maybe he also thought that Albert would be happier living in a painting.}

Woo-Jin dismissed the preconception that Lloyd would never kill Albert. Perhaps Lloyd had been tempted to do it on several occasions. 

{Lloyd didn’t know what eternal parting brought upon by death was like. So to him, death was like a game which he took very lightly. Even though he was closer to death than anyone else, Lloyd didn’t know much about it.

He imprisoned the souls of the people he had murdered in his paintings, and enjoyed himself by observing them every day. Even if they weren’t aware of him, it didn’t matter. They were merely playthings, and he prided himself on allowing them to continue living in his paintings out of the kindness in his heart. 

Thus, he could’ve mistakenly thought that his father’s death would be similar to that. The death in the minds of the readers had a different meaning from how Lloyd felt about death. Lloyd didn’t see it as an absolute farewell –– he simply dismissed it as a one-sided continuation of life where the dead weren’t aware. Parting with someone via death wasn’t scary. 

But what he  wanted from Albert was so clear that he wouldn’t have been able to kill him. Albert cherished Lloyd, but he was someone with a great sense of duty towards the child whom he had adopted. And to Lloyd, Albert was his only refuge and loving father, so the feelings they had for each other were very different. 

{If Albert didn’t have any expectations of him, Lloyd would’ve probably killed him –– not because he hates him, but because he loves him so much that he wants Albert to be comfortable. But Albert would give Lloyd the gift of hope every once in a while. Lloyd had always wanted his father to love him perfectly, and if he waited a little longer his dream might have come true. He couldn’t give up on it. That was why he didn’t kill him. Because he wanted to be loved.}

Death was just a game to Lloyd, and he didn’t understand the sorrow of those who had lost their family. In his eyes, Albert was his only family member, and up until he lost everything, Lloyd was arrogant and heartless. 

{Are there any questions you’d like to ask the author?} 

Every single one of the candidates was asked the same question. The actors responded with all kinds of questions, but the judges didn’t ask this question because they wanted to answer the questions the actors had in mind. They merely wanted to know what the actors valued most in the novel. 

{Did Albert truly not love Lloyd?}

However, Woo-Jin’s question sounded like he was casting doubt on the most obvious fact that followed after Pharrell’s earlier question. 

{Didn’t Lloyd lose his way because he wasn’t loved?}

Although Director Pharrell wasn’t the author, he answered the question with common sense. However, that didn’t answer Woo-Jin’s question. 

Everyone had a different way of loving others, and Lloyd didn’t spend enough time around other people to know that. He had only lived with Albert in a confined space, surrounded by his peers who teased and bullied him. And he somehow ended up learning how to relate to people with the help of TV shows and movies. 

To Llyod, human emotions were very simple and straightforward. And he didn’t have enough life experience to distinguish the subtleties of emotions beyond that. 

{If a person who doesn’t know how to love met a child who has never been loved, would things have been different? I don’t know if emotion is something that can be easily understood, but I wonder if Albert had feelings that even he himself wasn’t aware of.}

{What a beautiful dream.}

Director Pharrell dismissed Woo-Jin’s speculation as a romantic, but unrealistic hypothesis. It was a storyline that was like that of a typical drama, and it didn’t suit an unconventional novel like Confession of White. 

Albert dreamed of becoming a painter when he was young. Despite his talent, he had to give up pursuing his dream because of the harsh environment he was in, and so, he actively supported Lloyd to become a painter. Using the compensation from his accident, Lloyd was able to receive an education in art. The readers concluded that Albert gained satisfaction by living vicariously through him. 

{Albert couldn’t see it, but he always said he could feel good vibes coming from Lloyd’s paintings. He told Lloyd he was the best painter in his eyes. Lloyd took it as a cursory compliment, but perhaps Albert liked everything Lloyd painted because it was painted by his beloved child.}

After hearing Woo-Jin’s explanation, Selena thought it was a plausible theory. Since the novel was viewed solely from the perspective of the narrator, Lloyd, Albert could have had different thoughts and feelings, as they weren’t revealed to the readers. 

However, since Ilya was the author, it was better to abandon that fantasy. 

{Beloved child you say. It’s too idealistic…sir?}

Selena paused for a moment, and turned her head to ask Ilya for his thoughts, but tears were streaming down his face as he sat there, staring blankly at the monitor.