Chapter 288 - Flaws of love
Yan Mei stepped into the familiar rows of the cemetery and paused, scanning the tombstones announcing a death. She wasn't looking for someone, she knew where she needed to go, even in sleep her feet would walk in the right direction and stand in front of the right one.
Like undeniable propulsion that dragged her heavy feet from the gate to the grave, snapping any illusion of control until she was a wrecked crying body.
Today was different, a lot of difference had been popping up in her life lately and she couldn't decide if she liked it or it irked her. For maybe the first time she had started visiting this cemetery she had a measure of peace, her mind was not too clouded by grief to see.
There were rows and rows of death, with the odd grave neatly manicured and dressed with flowers. She didn't have flowers but she had a stuffed toy, a tiny squirrel that squeaked when it was squeezed.
It was not her first gift and it might look a little foolish but she was bringing a gift for her baby.
Yan Mei moved faster, turning away from the others, and headed for the familiar tomb complete with impish cherubs. She had added those because she didn't want her baby to be lonely, it might have sounded fantastical but it soothed her, she hoped it soothed the soul of the little girl wherever she was. Even if she was never held, never sang to, never tickled, Yan Mei hoped it was obvious that she was loved even if she was never born.
Yan Mei put the soft toy on the tombstone but not before squeezing it once, then she bent down to remove the straggling weeds taking hold for the last time she was here. Crouched down and deep in her thoughts she didn't register the presence of another person until she saw the shoes to the left of her, just an inch from where she dropped her pile of weeds.
Without looking up she knew who it was, she picked off the last of the weed, dusted her hands, and got to her feet to look at her ex-husband.
"Wang Lu" her voice shaky and hesitant
"Meimei, I'm sorry" his own was not any better but from the regret dripping from him, she knew that he knew the truth now.
"Don't" her words were harsh, curt, and aimed to hurt him.
From his curt nod, she knew she had succeeded with at least that one, immediately, her mood soured, she had no interest in fighting in front of her daughter's grave.
"Let's not fight Wang Lu" she ventured with a weary sigh
"I didn't come to fight, I doubt there is any fight left in me," he said it with such complacent certainty she knew that he meant more, more than just the issue between the two of them.
Yan Mei took a good look at him for the first time in six years, he looked all so familiar and all so strange all at the same time. Seeing him evoked a lot of feelings in her, of course, she still felt something for him, she had loved this man and at one time he had loved her too.
However, her emotions were filled with too much pain, too much doubt to do nothing but fill her with a vague nostalgia. Standing beside him was a jarring trip to the past; he looked well dressed, impeccably dressed. Yan Mei knew the clothes cost a lot and were made by the best cloth makers money could retain but he wore them with a casual ease that screamed subtly of elegance and style.
Yes, he wasn't stiff and overbearing but she couldn't see him in jeans, ever. He looked well dressed but that was the only effort he had put in. He looked rough, tired, ragged, and fairly unkempt.
His eyes were red-rimmed and crisscrossed with capillaries. He had a beard, and it was a small shock to her, when they had been married, she doubted she had ever seen him with more than a faint dusting of hair on his cheeks, that inevitable five o'clock shadow. This beard looked several weeks in the making
Finally, she allowed herself to see him, Wang Lu was a picture of regret. A poignant picture, as he hunched over, meeting her eyes.
"Forgive me, Meimei, I was blind and angry and somehow my wounded pride was bigger than the love we shared." He spoke, breaking the fragile silence.
"Do you think I want to know that? That all the love I had for you, all of me that I shared with you was not enough to keep us moving forward, to keep us from being destroyed by one lie?" She didn't know she had this much bitterness left in her.
"The truth is, I was jealous." He admitted sadly
Yan Mei whirled at him at the declaration. "What was there to be jealous about? I chose you and I loved you!"
"You were too perfect" Wang Lu countered softly.
"I was just being myself"
"That's what made it worse, you didn't have any hidden agenda, you weren't playing a game, it was not a manipulative stunt, you were just being yourself and that made it all worse." He responded
"I should have been a backstabbing manipulative woman who was only after your money?" He wasn't making sense and it annoyed her
"You would have survived. I was brought up in a world where beauty is only skin deep, where every facet of life was a competition and everyone had their own hidden agenda, where everyone was unbearably selfish." He replied, his words unbearably heavy
"I know"
He scoffed at that, "you don't, if you did you would know how much of a challenge you were to them. Everything they held dear was nothing to them, you just wanted to love and be loved. You were like a single candle burning fiercely and brightly without a care for the darkness around you."
"What does that have to do with anything?" She demanded
He rushed to explain "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that you showed us the truth about all of us and no one liked it. We rather liked the lies we told and me most of all"
"You never lied to me" she murmured
Like undeniable propulsion that dragged her heavy feet from the gate to the grave, snapping any illusion of control until she was a wrecked crying body.
Today was different, a lot of difference had been popping up in her life lately and she couldn't decide if she liked it or it irked her. For maybe the first time she had started visiting this cemetery she had a measure of peace, her mind was not too clouded by grief to see.
There were rows and rows of death, with the odd grave neatly manicured and dressed with flowers. She didn't have flowers but she had a stuffed toy, a tiny squirrel that squeaked when it was squeezed.
It was not her first gift and it might look a little foolish but she was bringing a gift for her baby.
Yan Mei moved faster, turning away from the others, and headed for the familiar tomb complete with impish cherubs. She had added those because she didn't want her baby to be lonely, it might have sounded fantastical but it soothed her, she hoped it soothed the soul of the little girl wherever she was. Even if she was never held, never sang to, never tickled, Yan Mei hoped it was obvious that she was loved even if she was never born.
Yan Mei put the soft toy on the tombstone but not before squeezing it once, then she bent down to remove the straggling weeds taking hold for the last time she was here. Crouched down and deep in her thoughts she didn't register the presence of another person until she saw the shoes to the left of her, just an inch from where she dropped her pile of weeds.
Without looking up she knew who it was, she picked off the last of the weed, dusted her hands, and got to her feet to look at her ex-husband.
"Wang Lu" her voice shaky and hesitant
"Meimei, I'm sorry" his own was not any better but from the regret dripping from him, she knew that he knew the truth now.
"Don't" her words were harsh, curt, and aimed to hurt him.
From his curt nod, she knew she had succeeded with at least that one, immediately, her mood soured, she had no interest in fighting in front of her daughter's grave.
"Let's not fight Wang Lu" she ventured with a weary sigh
"I didn't come to fight, I doubt there is any fight left in me," he said it with such complacent certainty she knew that he meant more, more than just the issue between the two of them.
Yan Mei took a good look at him for the first time in six years, he looked all so familiar and all so strange all at the same time. Seeing him evoked a lot of feelings in her, of course, she still felt something for him, she had loved this man and at one time he had loved her too.
However, her emotions were filled with too much pain, too much doubt to do nothing but fill her with a vague nostalgia. Standing beside him was a jarring trip to the past; he looked well dressed, impeccably dressed. Yan Mei knew the clothes cost a lot and were made by the best cloth makers money could retain but he wore them with a casual ease that screamed subtly of elegance and style.
Yes, he wasn't stiff and overbearing but she couldn't see him in jeans, ever. He looked well dressed but that was the only effort he had put in. He looked rough, tired, ragged, and fairly unkempt.
His eyes were red-rimmed and crisscrossed with capillaries. He had a beard, and it was a small shock to her, when they had been married, she doubted she had ever seen him with more than a faint dusting of hair on his cheeks, that inevitable five o'clock shadow. This beard looked several weeks in the making
Finally, she allowed herself to see him, Wang Lu was a picture of regret. A poignant picture, as he hunched over, meeting her eyes.
"Forgive me, Meimei, I was blind and angry and somehow my wounded pride was bigger than the love we shared." He spoke, breaking the fragile silence.
"Do you think I want to know that? That all the love I had for you, all of me that I shared with you was not enough to keep us moving forward, to keep us from being destroyed by one lie?" She didn't know she had this much bitterness left in her.
"The truth is, I was jealous." He admitted sadly
Yan Mei whirled at him at the declaration. "What was there to be jealous about? I chose you and I loved you!"
"You were too perfect" Wang Lu countered softly.
"I was just being myself"
"That's what made it worse, you didn't have any hidden agenda, you weren't playing a game, it was not a manipulative stunt, you were just being yourself and that made it all worse." He responded
"I should have been a backstabbing manipulative woman who was only after your money?" He wasn't making sense and it annoyed her
"You would have survived. I was brought up in a world where beauty is only skin deep, where every facet of life was a competition and everyone had their own hidden agenda, where everyone was unbearably selfish." He replied, his words unbearably heavy
"I know"
He scoffed at that, "you don't, if you did you would know how much of a challenge you were to them. Everything they held dear was nothing to them, you just wanted to love and be loved. You were like a single candle burning fiercely and brightly without a care for the darkness around you."
"What does that have to do with anything?" She demanded
He rushed to explain "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that you showed us the truth about all of us and no one liked it. We rather liked the lies we told and me most of all"
"You never lied to me" she murmured
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