Volume 1 - CH 8

In which Gu Yan meets a little white rabbit and considers going after a DILF. Remember, kids, rabbits get lonely easily, so you have to give them lots of pets!

[Disclaimer: I am not a vet, so take my animal care advice with a grain of salt. I claim no responsibility for any issues that may arise from following my bad suggestions.]

Volume 1, Chapter 8

Gu Yan dreamt a very long dream.

He dreamt of what happened when he was young. At that time, he really had been naïve, with an innocence that was close to ignorance, foolishly believing whatever anyone said. He had believed that he’d be able to earn money by entering the entertainment circle, and so he had stepped in without a thought… and then, everything had turned on its head.

Only after he signed the contract had he known regret, but it was already too late to escape. What’s more, he really, truly needed money.

Before then, he had single-mindedly wanted to become a chef, and he completely didn’t know how to act. No matter what he did, he got scolded, and he couldn’t even memorize his lines. He… he was also stubborn and obstinate, never knowing when to back down or give in, so his body was always full of injuries.

He still remembered the most difficult period in his life. In the day, he’d go to film, while at night, he had to rely on other work to live. Every morning, he’d buy a meatbun and eat only the bun, saving the filling to eat at night with his rice. At lunch, he’d eat the lunchboxes provided to the cast and crew, the same bitter taste for several months.

With the waters so deep and the fires so hot, only one person saw him and held out a hand.

He would never forget the warmth from those fingertips. In the past, he had always been a weak person, but because he had fallen in love with Qin Zhiyuan, he slowly changed and became strong.

His goal had been clear.

His patience infinite.

He had finally walked to this step after much difficulty, and just by reaching out his hand, he would’ve been able to grab tightly ahold of what he longed for.

Gu Yan reached out a trembling hand but then suddenly felt a strange pain piercing through his palm.

And then, in the next moment, he woke up from his dream. He realized that he was wearing a long patient gown and lying in a snow-white hospital ward, with bandages wrapped around his right hand and an IV inserted into his left.

The memory of the car accident flashed before his eyes.

Gu Yan was dazed for a long while before he slowly regained his senses. His right hand had been injured to the point that he didn’t even have the strength to clench his fist. He knew that his dream was already over.

…Completely over.

Only later when Xiao-Chen came to take care of him did he learn that the car accident hadn’t happened long ago. They had been transferred from A City to their native city for treatment — the best hospital, the best rooms, all of it were arranged by the people from the Qin family.

Although the car accident was terrifying at the time, luckily everyone had survived: Zhao Xin had suffered the heaviest injuries, but he had already gotten through the most dangerous period and, at the moment, was in the intensive care unit. Zhang Ji’s seat was the farthest away, so he suffered only some light cuts and a small concussion. Gu Yan’s right arm had been fractured and so was covered in a thick cast, while his palm had been pierced through with a tree branch and required many stitches to sew up. Conversely, Qin Zhiyuan had suffered muscle injuries all over his body; it was said that, when he was rescued, he looked awful, bloodied and bruised everywhere.

When Gu Yan heard this, he finally let out a breath of relief. When his body had gotten a bit better, he first went to visit the still-sleeping Zhao Xin. Within that quiet hospital room, a gentle-looking woman was silently sitting by his bedside, wearing the same style ring on her hand as Zhao Xin.

This person was probably the rumored fiancée.

Gu Yan once again felt glad that this car accident hadn’t resulted in something irreversible. He didn’t disturb them by entering the room; instead, he turned around and went to the neighboring room to visit Qin Zhiyuan.

The appearance of Qin Zhiyuan with a head wrapped in bandages was very novel. Gu Yan stared and stared from the doorway and then couldn’t help but laugh. Qin Zhiyuan still couldn’t get out of bed and walk, so he simply sat up and waved the other over.

Gu Yan then walked inside, one step at a time.

The autumn light shone through the windows, and warm slivers of gold spilled across the bed, the atmosphere gentle and peaceful.

Qin Zhiyun looked at Gu Yan’s right hand and asked, “Does it hurt?”

Gu Yan immediately shook his head. “I’m not hurt as badly as you are.”

“The car accident has already made the news, but no unnecessary details were mentioned. Don’t worry, it won’t affect your image.”

Gu Yan had never worried about that. What he was concerned about was something else entirely. His ability to fake a smile had grown by another level, since even at this time, he was able to smile as he asked, “Can I ask you a few questions?”

Qin Zhiyuan had long already prepared for Gu Yan’s questioning and gently said, “Of course.”

“That night, at the celebratory banquet, when you went outside to pick up the phone, did you happen to see Director Zhao proposing to his girlfriend?”

“Yes, I also didn’t expect that it’d be so coincidental.”

“Were you in a bad mood that night for this reason?”

Qin Zhiyuan didn’t openly respond, simply saying, “There were a lot of reasons.”

“The photo albums you were packing up in the study… were those all albums with photos of Zhao Xin?”

“We’ve known each other since high school, so we’ve taken a lot of photos together.”

“Then does he know…” Gu Yan paused, and his following words were said with a bit of difficulty, “Your feelings?”

“Zhao Xin likes women.” It was also similarly difficult for Qin Zhiyuan to answer.

Gu Yan nodded, feeling as if the circumstances were about the same as what he’d guessed. Childhood friends, the two growing up as innocent playmates, one with a secret unrequited love, while the other without the least inkling of it. No wonder Qin Zhiyuan spent money to buy bedmates and was never willing to invest any real feelings; it wasn’t that he didn’t believe in love but, rather, that he had no outlet for the love he had hidden deep in his heart.

He looked as if he handed out his affections freely to anyone, but in reality he gave no one any true feelings at all.

Gu Yan still had one final suspicion left unsettled. After hesitating for a moment, he finally opened his mouth to ask, “Did you really suddenly come to A City that day for the sake of seeing me?”

Or was it… for the sake of Zhao Xin?

Qin Zhiyuan was quiet.

After a long, long time, long enough that Gu Yan thought he wouldn’t answer, he finally raised his head to look at Gu Yan, his tone as gentle as it was sad, “It’s not as if I never spoke from my heart.”

Gu Yan nodded to indicate that he understood.

Of course, no one was the bad guy here. What kind of reason did Qin Zhiyuan have for lying about his feelings? He had just suffered a heartbreak, and unable to endure the pain of that loss, he had needed someone to fill up that hole in his heart, so he had redirected all of his gentle feelings towards Gu Yan, that was all. It was only that he had switched over too quickly, too urgently, that everything had become akin to a mirage, disappearing the moment one looked away.

Qin Zhiyuan had so many people by his side, so why had he insisted on choosing Gu Yan? Was it that he was too foolish, too stupid, or that Qin Zhiyuan had especially, especially loved him?

Gu Yan thought and thought, but in the end, he decided not to ask.

The words said up to now had already been enough. If he kept asking, then it’d simply embarrass them both.

He had been so cautious, advancing slowly step by step, because he wanted to rip off Qin Zhiyuan’s false exterior and reach out a hand to touch his real heart, but he hadn’t known that that heart was already filled with another person.

He had thought he was the male lead, but it turned out that he wasn’t even a supporting role, simply a passing bystander.

Since the act was already over, what use was there in continuing to think about it? Gu Yan didn’t say anything further, simply politely asking after the state of Qin Zhiyuan’s injuries before turning around and leaving, returning to his own hospital room.

Who could he blame for this hurt?

He should blame himself first. It was he himself who wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t strong enough, that he gave other people the opportunity to trick him. Wisdom must arise from suffering, so that next them he encountered a trap, he wouldn’t fall victim to it so miserably.

So Gu Yan did an earnest self-reflection, and in the following days, he calmly and peacefully laid in bed recovering.

Xiao-Chen hurried in and out every day and actually took care of him very well. The person even provided gossip anytime he wished to pass the time, keeping him from feeling bored while he recovered.

The injury on Gu Yan’s palm healed very quickly. When the bandages were removed, a scar was left behind, which upon careful inspection, actually seemed to be in the shape of a heart. Gu Yan found it quite funny, but he didn’t even have the strength to laugh about it.

Qin Zhiyuan’s body had recovered much faster, and he had been discharged not long after, but he still came to the hospital every day. No matter whose bed he spent most of his time watching over, he still at least always came to see Gu Yan each time. He gifted an endless flow of medicinal tonics, still putting forth the impression of a flawless lover.

Gu Yan didn’t refuse his consideration, and the two of them still talked in the same way as before. But they also had a tacit understanding, and neither of them brought up the most sensitive subject.

The day he was discharged, it was also Qin Zhiyuan who came to pick him up.

Perhaps it was the aftereffects of the car accident, but Qin Zhiyuan drove very slowly and steadily the whole way. At a red light, he stopped and turned around to ask, “Where do you want to go eat tonight?”

“No need.” Gu Yan lazily looked ahead. “Let’s go back to your apartment first. I have a few things I need to pack.”

Qin Zhiyuan’s expression changed slightly.

Luckily, the light turned green at that moment, so he gripped the steering wheel, stepped on the gas pedal, and continued to drive.

It was already evening when they reached the house.

Qin Zhiyuan had bought most of Gu Yan’s things, so he actually didn’t have much of his own personal belongings, and within ten or twenty minutes, he was finished packing. But he specially went to the study to look around. Those boxes of albums and notebooks were still stacked in the corner. Qin Zhiyuan had taken them out long ago but had never found the firm resolution to get rid of them. It was just like how the person had thought that he had tidied up his heart, but in truth that place had never been emptied.

Gu Yan walked over and flipped through one, discovering that Qin Zhiyuan really could write love letters. The notebooks were filled with them, and his handwriting looked quite beautiful. Because this involved other people’s private matters, he didn’t read further. Instead, he moved on and opened a photo album. Inside were all pictures of Qin Zhiyuan together with Zhao Xin, from their school days all the way to when they entered society. Qin Zhiyuan’s youthful face gradually matured; from beginning to end, only that gentle gaze never changed.

And his smile.

When he looked at Zhao Xin, the elegant and small smile on his face looked completely different from usual; it looked like he was truly happy. If he had seen this Qin Zhiyuan first, would he still have single-mindedly fallen in love with him?

Gu Yan couldn’t answer that.

He simply felt a slow, sharp pain in his heart. He lowered his head, and lowered it some more, and lightly kissed the eyes of that smiling Qin Zhiyuan in the photo.

By the time he came out of the study, Gu Yan had already tidied up his own state of mind. To the Qin Zhiyuan who was sitting on the sofa, he said, “President Qin, I should be leaving now.”

Qin Zhiyuan understood what he meant by leaving and hurried to move forward, pulling Gu Yan into an embrace.

“Do you have to leave?”

“I never moved in.” If he had never said the words ‘I love you’, then maybe he would still be able to play at being a sweetly loving couple with Qin Zhiyuan, but now? Even if he was the film emperor, he wouldn’t be able to finish this act.

Qin Zhiyuan was still hugging him, not letting go, saying next to his ear, “Look, the house has already been renovated. As long as we forget what happened with the car accident, we can still be like we were before.”

Gu Yan didn’t struggle as he said, voice calm, “Do you remember you still owe me some words? Are you able to say those words now?”

The arms Qin Zhiyuan had around Gu Yan’s waist stiffened.

This kind of incorrigible perfectionist had forgotten himself in a rare moment. In helpless defeat, he burrowed his head into Gu Yan’s neck. “…I just need a little more time.”

He had also worked hard before, but he had put his efforts in the wrong place, and that one missing step was very far away.

This ‘little more time’ was like a bottomless abyss.

Gu Yan’s palms dully ached, and he slowly peeled away Qin Zhiyuan’s hands.

Qin Zhiyuan’s hold was tight, but Gu Yan’s determination was even more resolute. Qin Zhiyuan’s expression darkened, and he looked at his own empty arms. With a sigh, he said, “Just wait for me a moment.”

He turned around and went to the bedroom, pulling a long jacket out from the closet. Shaking it out, he draped it over Gu Yan and said, “It’s already winter, and it’ll probably snow in the next two days.”

Gu Yan obediently put on the jacket.

Qin Zhiyuan stooped down and very carefully fastened each button up one by one. At the very end, he brushed Gu Yan’s shoulders and stuffed a bank card into the jacket pocket. “The password is your birthday.”

Ah, he’d even already prepared the severance pay.

Although it was evident that he really wanted Gu Yan to stay, he also knew that he’d definitely fail. He had always done things like this. Without fail, he would have an escape route prepared beforehand, forever keeping himself in the most safe position.

He had never dared to risk anything for love.

Gu Yan understood Qin Zhiyuan too well. He knew that the other had always been generous, and the number on that card would definitely be enough to satisfy him. Since he couldn’t have the person, then at least he had some money. He couldn’t lose both the person and the money, after all, right?

Gu Yan remembered all those old TV dramas he filmed, where the female lead, upon being abandoned, would always cry out in a river of tears, I’ve given everything to you, I’ve given you all my youth… It was really laughable. After all, wasn’t it you who willingly dug out your heart? Wasn’t it you who willingly fished out your lungs? As for youth, regardless of whether or not you ever met that person, those days would’ve still passed you by eventually.

So he happily and cheerfully accepted that card and, with eyes half-narrowed at Qin Zhiyuan, said, “Thank you for being with me for all these years.”

Perhaps because he had stolen Qin Zhiyuan’s lines, the other’s expression turned ugly.

Holding his own things, Gu Yan turned around and headed outside. When he had almost reached the doorway, he stopped once again, turning back for one last glance.

Qin Zhiyuan was still standing in the same place watching him, that appearance very suited for acting like one overflowing with love. That kitchen really had been successfully renovated, and it was entirely made to Qin Zhiyuan’s tastes, stacked full of European-style appliances, looking beautiful in its luxurious emptiness. Gu Yan couldn’t help but think that whoever had to cook in this kitchen would have it hard, just the slightest movement would stain those spotless counters.

But, at the same time, they’d also be very happy.

And that happiness already had nothing to do with him.

Gu Yan softly closed the door. Qin Zhiyuan’s apartment was on the eighteenth floor, but he didn’t take the elevator. He walked down the stairs one by one, just as if he was walking past all those rich and beautiful years.

While love was lost, he still had work to do.

That historical drama Gu Yan was filming had originally been just about finished, and even the car accident could be counted as generating a bit of hype for it. Afterwards, he went to the studio to make up a few more scenes, and then his work was complete.

But because the end of the year was approaching, award ceremonies were happening one after another. Although Gu Yan had nothing to do with those awards, he was still often invited to attend to make up the numbers. Besides, he was a male lead in a drama that was about to air, and so he had to do publicity work with the other cast and crew, while also shooting plenty of commercials and magazine covers. Sometimes, he was so busy that he wasn’t able to eat properly, much less miss a certain someone.

Over a month passed like this, and one night, while Gu Yan was attending some award ceremony, he unexpectedly ran into Qin Feng.

Ever since the drugging incident, Qin Feng had seemed to vanish without a trace, most likely having been disciplined by Qin Zhiyuan and so had suffered some hardships. As such, when he appeared this time, he was even more unbridled than before, hugging his model girlfriend as he walked with his chin high in the sky. Gu Yan was genuinely worried that he’d trip and fall.

Of course, when he saw Gu Yan, his eyes immediately widened, the expression in them becoming sharp enough to shoot knives.

Gu Yan thought this was very interesting, and even later, when Qin Feng blocked his way in the restroom, he was still all smiles, washing his hands while calling out a greeting, “Young Master Qin, long time no see.”

Qin Feng had some new grudges and old animosity with Gu Yan, expression darkening as he glared. When he opened his mouth, the first thing he said was, “My brother left the country two days ago.

Gu Yan said an ‘oh’ and had a sudden realization — ah, no wonder the little white rabbit had been let free.

Qin Feng then continued with, “Although Zhao Xin woke up, he’s still suffering from some lingering aftereffects. My brother took him to see a specialist overseas for treatment.”

Gu Yan’s hands trembled.

The ice-cold water dripped down his palm, that scar emitting a faint stab of pain.

Gu Yan wondered if he also had some lingering aftereffects. He reached out a hand to turn off the faucet and then looked at his own smiling face in the mirror, very calmly saying, “That’s great, I hope Director Zhao recovers soon.”

Qin Feng clearly didn’t know Qin Zhiyuan’s secret and disdainfully scoffed two times, saying, “I heard that my brother threw you away?”

“You even believe those rumors? Actually, it was me who threw him away.”

“What?”

“President Qin is too stingy. I’ve decided to look for another patron.”

Qin Feng restrained the expression on his face and said, “I guess you still do have some sense. In this circle, if you don’t have a backer, then you won’t be able to continue like this.”

“It’s a pity that finding a new boss is so difficult. He needs to have money and power, and he needs to be able to help with my work, just like…” Gu Yan suddenly approached Qin Feng, his gaze sweeping across his handsome face.

Qin Feng smugly lifted a brow.

Gu Yan continued, “Just like your father.”

In an instant, Qin Feng froze.

“If Young Master Qin is willing to introduce your father to me, then I’d definitely be extremely grateful towards you.”

Qin Feng’s face was ashen, and he was angry enough to explode.

“You fooling around with my brother is one thing, but you actually even want to seduce my dad, y-y-you…” The little white rabbit was truly a little white rabbit, even stuttering while he was trying to insult someone.

Gu Yan was really thankful for the entertainment. Shaking his head with regret, he said, “If Young Master Qin isn’t willing, then just forget it. What’s the point in getting so angry over it?”

He then wiped his hands clean and, ignoring the curse words that Qin Feng was shouting after wracking his brains, walked out of the bathroom with large strides.

The night had already darkened, and the wind blew head-on, bringing with it a piercing coldness.

For the last few days, it had snowed consecutively, but Gu Yan was wearing only a dress shirt and a black suit over it. For the sake of looking his best, he gave up warmth in exchange for elegance.

He didn’t bother thinking over Qin Feng’s last few words.

He massaged the palm of his right hand, trying his best to forget the warmth that came from a certain person draping a jacket over his body.

After that was once again nonstop work.

The main one was a movie that was about to premiere, which had him flying back and forth between multiple big cities for the sake of publicity. It was a youthful idol film, and Gu Yan was the rich and handsome male lead. In contrast, the female lead was born into poverty with a pure disposition. In the beginning, the two fought like cats and dogs, which then later grew into mutual love after time spent together. It was an extremely melodramatic and meaningless movie, but the target audience was chosen very well, and the film was set to open during Valentine’s Day, so it would probably attract many young couples.

Gu Yan didn’t attend the premiere, and it wasn’t until two days later that he bought a ticket. Wearing some sunglasses and carrying a bucket of popcorn, he mixed in with the crowd to enter the movie theater. Everyone who had come to watch this movie was part of a couple, and he seemed somewhat out-of-place as someone sitting in a pitch-black corner by himself.

But he watched it extremely attentively.

He wasn’t being narcissistic when he said that the close-ups of his face on the big screen were very beautiful. It was just that his acting was truly awful, his expressions stiff, his tone robotic. Even when he was saying sweet words, he had no expression. It really was an awfulness that defied all hard work; no matter how he tried acting like this or that, he was still just himself. The movie’s plot could be said to proceed quite easily, and the film very quickly reached its climax. He kissed the female lead and said ‘I love you’, his infatuated expression awkward to the extreme.

Gu Yan unceasingly stuffed popcorn into his mouth. As he watched that handsome flower vase of a face, he laughed until he almost cried.

In this life, he had only ever properly acted once.

And that was to pretend that he didn’t love that person.

I’m also massaging the palm of my right hand as I type this, but I think that’s because I might have carpal tunnel and not a car accident injury, oops.