CH 61

‘You can go back and forth between heaven and hell in such an instant.’

Canaren thought. Without realizing it, she grabbed her two hands. Only then did she realize that her hands were trembling. Not only her hands, but her whole body trembled. Her legs were shaking and it was difficult to stand up properly.

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ She didn’t know what he was talking about. She should speak, but no voice comes out. It was as if someone had stuffed hot stones into her throat.

Hurt. Hot.

Just staring at Yulif like a fool, she opened his mouth. He scans her from her head to her toes with his unchangingly cool eyes.

“It is a marriage that is inevitable because it is necessary. I want you to know that I am not trying to play a game of love.”

“It means you’re forcing yourself to do it even though you don’t want to…?”

“You got it right.”

“No, I… I don’t understand. I do not understand. If that’s the case, there are many others. Even if it’s not me…”

Canaren interrupted her words and bit her lip. Yulif marrying a woman other than her. She didn’t like it for any reason. But she didn’t want to marry him this way.

Canaren ran her fingers through her hair which was as pale as her face.

“Why is Yulif saying this to me… I don’t understand.”

“Didn’t you tell me before? You don’t need to understand me. Do what I tell you. That’s all.”

“Marriage is not like this!”

“Canaren. What position do you think I am in?”

A cold voice flew in. Canaren couldn’t even breathe and froze.

“For nobility, marriage is a contract. They rarely get married because they love each other. The imperial family included.”

“Okay. Yulif is an imperial family member. So it’s even weirder. More than that, I… I…”

He would be better off marrying a woman from a better family with more things. Since it’ll be a loveless marriage?

The reason she couldn’t utter her words that reached the tip of her chin was because she loved him. It was because she loved him that she continued to talk nonsense and tried to understand him.

She didn’t understand how he could say it so easily? Was it wrong to want to know about the person she likes? He hated to even wonder what she’s thinking?

‘Do you hate me that much?’

“You must be wondering why I chose you.”

Yulif took a step closer and narrowed the distance. Seeing his shadow over her own, Canaren felt an ominous foreboding. Don’t listen to him. Even if she covered her ears, or ran away from this place, don’t listen. Otherwise, she will get hurt.

“It’s simple. Because I don’t want to lose you to the Emperor.”

The sensation of her heart falling apart was terrifying.

“What will my face be if I bring you to the castle, but the emperor takes it away?”

(QC/N: ‘face’ as in ‘losing face’, meaning ‘receiving shame or a hit to the pride/reputation’)

Yulif reached out his hand. His long fingers grabbed her chin. As he scanned Canaren’s face to the left and to the right, Deltinus’s face overlapped with him.

She inhaled, and swallowed her breath.

Yulif’s eyes, which had no emotion, said: You are a rare and pretty thing. Put it in a showcase and look around, and if I feel like it, I might be able to show it off to others as if I’m bragging. So don’t think about it, do what I tell you.

Still, Canaren couldn’t hate him as much as she did to Deltinus. In the meantime, Yulif’s kindness and gentleness showed his heart completely inclined. Even though it was a fanciful kindness, he made her happy and made her live.

‘Yulif, I like you. So I want to give you everything you want.’

“…All right.”

Canaren gripped the hem of her robe tightly. Her eyes lifted her head and regained the light she had lost for a moment.

“I will not understand. I don’t even understand… Anyway, Yulif needs me, right? That’s it. I’ll get married.”

Instead. Canaren gathered up her courage and smiled mischievously as she looked at Yulif.

“I will do as I please. Love… I don’t mean to play. I will love you alone.”

It sounded as if she was going to like him out of her own will, but it wasn’t. To love someone, to embrace someone deeply and care for them endlessly, was not in the realm of the will.

Fate… Yes, it was fate. No matter how hard you try, it will eventually flow in that direction. If you come to your senses without realizing it, it often happens.

“I would have told you not to.”

Yulif’s face was contorted badly. It was the first scary expression she had ever seen from him.

The smile quickly lifted from Canaren’s face.

“Don’t love me. don’t even like me.  You can’t.”

“…Why?”

‘Why can’t I love Yulif? Why are you saying that?’

It’s not that she wanted him to love her. She just wanted to like him herself. It didn’t look like she would be able to give up easily, so she was going to hug herself and suffer.

“I asked why.”

Yulif glanced at her with his blue-flaming eyes. He seemed angry.

Canaren said she trembled, but she didn’t avert his eyes. It was a problem she couldn’t back down. She wanted to know why, for what reason, and by what right people were told not to even have unrequited love.

The fact that she had worked so hard to bury in her chest flashed through her mind. This person. Who was it in the Hwira tribe, which Yulif wanted to meet, came to mind now. It was sad. It was really sad. It was painful.

Canaren couldn’t swallow the question and spit it out, like a hot lump that rose up in an instant.

“Is it because Yulif loves someone else?”

Canaren looked. In an instant, the affection that entered Yulif’s eyes. Deep and desperate enough to make the viewer’s heart numb. That desperate feeling that she didn’t know what to name it.

Mean. He was so mean.

Canaren grabbed Yulif’s arm and shook it.

“Then you can marry that person! Having someone you love… why with me…!”

“She’s dead.”

Time seemed to have stopped. Canaren’s eyes flickered like crazy. Yulif uttered low with a doll-like face.

“I killed her.”

“…Lie. Is that a lie?”

She couldn’t believe it. Every time he talked about her, Yulif looked very warm and mournful. She couldn’t believe he was the one who killed the person he loved.

Canaren held his hand, which kept slipping, to hold him back. Yulif mercilessly removed her hand. A small, white hand groped through the air and drooped.

“It doesn’t change whether you believe it or not.”

“Yulif…”

“You look like her.”

Yulif’s thumb gently pressed Canaren’s lower lip. Her chest shivered from the chill from his icy fingers. Yulif’s hands were always warm. He was always kind.

“I don’t need your love. It’s just annoying. So just stay by my side.”

“The things you did well for me… … Did you save me because I resembled her?”

“Do you think there is another reason?”

The corners of Yulif’s lips twisted. Her feet sank, and the despair that lurked beneath her pulled her down.

Now she understood everything.

The reason Yulif, who had only shared his few words at the lake, saved her even as she went against her emperor. The reason why Yulif, who was mostly kind to her, sometimes treated her coldly. Why did he say he wanted to meet her but couldn’t meet her again? Why did he dare to marry her while he didn’t even love her?

She gathered the pieces scattered here and there to become one truth, but Canaren was not pleased. It was terrible. It was terribly sad.

She knew that Yulif’s arms were wrapped around her waist, but Canaren had no strength to push them away. She stood at the gates of the city as she was about to hold him dead. As soon as the movement was over, Yulif released his arm.

“I don’t need your heart. Live as my wife for only three months.”

—After that, I’ll take you back to the town you wanted to go back to.

As he was about to turn around, Yulif found a bunch of blue hydrangeas rolling at his feet. It seems that they got caught up in the magic together by chance.

He leaned over and picked up the hydrangeas. And he forcibly squeezed it into Canaren’s hand.

“It’s a wedding present. Take it.”

Her heart froze at the sneering cold tone. After a brief laugh, he disappeared.

“Ugh, heuk…!”

The tears she had been holding back burst. Canaren, who was left behind, burst into tears.

How could he be so cruel? If that’s the case, why did he treat her so well? Why did he smile at her? Why did he say that he was for her, and he only gave her expensive and precious things.

So painful. Canaren couldn’t breathe because it hurt.

Canaren sat down, clutched her chest, and wept.

She looked like that person. It was just annoying. Did she think there was another reason? Each word of Yulif echoing in her head ripped her tattered heart to shreds once again.

Yulif hated her. But she still hated herself more than she loved him. She didn’t like the way he gave the discarded flowers as a wedding present. Still, she hated herself more, who couldn’t throw away the flowers and held them dearly.

‘Even though you think it’s miserable, why do you want to remain by his side even like this? Can love do this? Can I call it love?’

Maybe her heart was broken to the extent that she didn’t know what love was.

“Yulif, it hurts. I’m so hurt…”

‘Tell me this is a lie? Please?’

Canaren buried her face in the petals of the hydrangeas. Blue petals fluttered and fell. It was like her tears.