CH 20

No one cared about the news of Qin He leaving school early; they were just sorry for losing a target for mockery. They soon looked for another target to ridicule…

Yu Yao knew about this news and how Qin He was bullied at school, but what did it matter? As long as he had no contact with Yu Cheng, whether he lived or died was not important. After all, it was already kind enough for him to be able to go to school, right?

Only Yu Cheng was still chasing an unrealistic dream. He chose a school near Yao’an City and didn’t even go home on weekends. He put away all his mischievousness and did everything seriously. He longed to be in the same city as Qin He, yearning for a future without constraints. The photo at the corner of his desk held all the meaning of his efforts. He endured his reluctance and longing, choosing to live in the school long-term. He knew that Qin Wanqing would check his phone, so he only sent two or three messages a week using different phone numbers. That one and only photo became his last comfort.

Recently, Qin He had stopped responding to messages.

In the cramped and damp space, Qin He was tortured beyond recognition. He gasped heavily, having struggled for a week. He was never one to give up easily. The lack of proper nutrition had left his lips cracked, and he had become noticeably thinner.

In his once-gentle eyes, there was no longer any color. His cheeks were sunken, and his eyes were slightly bulging. They would carefully control the timing to keep him alive but in torment.

Occasionally, Qin He would drift off in thought, wondering if she would regret it if she saw him like this.

The thought of Qin Wanqing’s regret brought a strange sense of satisfaction to Qin He’s heart. He tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he couldn’t smile too much, or his lips would crack open.

“You are quite resilient. What’s your answer this time?” The doctor pushed his glasses up with a familiar smile, but even though Qin He tried to hide it, he could still see the demon lurking beneath the doctor’s skin.

Qin He didn’t want to speak; he just nodded. He wanted to go out, suddenly wanting to see what Qin Wanqing’s regretful expression would be like. The past Qin He had regrets and guilt, but in a short time, they seemed to have been worn away, even the last trace of tenderness. Hatred or revenge rose in his heart.

He casually played with the bell on his wrist, letting the clear and pleasant sound fill the small room. The days of darkness had blurred his sense of day and night, and he could only rely on tinkling the bell to bring some clarity. He stared into the void, slightly lost in thought.

“Good child, you will be fine.”

As he walked out of the small room, the faint morning light was a bit glaring for Qin He, even though it was weak. He squinted his eyes and used his hand to shield his face, hunching his shoulders. He had become sensitive to light. Qin He’s constitution was not good; even his skin was somewhat delicate, with red rashes scattered all over, spreading unrestrainedly on his body.

He could no longer survive in the sunlight, as it would burn him.

Qin He was taken to a dormitory with bunk beds, and everyone’s faces were numb. They had lost their desire for life, only remembering to read and memorize the rules given by the doctors. They had become like reset smartphones, tampered with by others and filled with implanted thoughts.

This was Qin He’s first time undergoing “treatment.” The empty room was hung with banners indicating the suffering of the “patients” and the ignorance of their families. In the center of the room, there was a chair with a machine next to it that Qin He couldn’t understand.

He surveyed the surroundings, feeling scared by the empty room, and kept a close eye on the person’s every move. However, the person was leisurely setting up the projector, as if preparing for a movie screening. He turned around and smiled at Qin He, saying, “Let’s begin.”

Qin He didn’t want to comply, but there were guards at the door who forced him to lie down on the chair. His neck and limbs were restrained with straps, rendering him immobile. This sense of helplessness and being at the mercy of others triggered strong resistance in Qin He.

The chair made creaking noises as it shook. Qin He tried to lift his neck, but was choked. Suddenly, he felt weak, his fingers twitching, unsure of what to do. There was no one to help him; he had been abandoned. He wanted to ask his mother, “Why? Why did you leave me here? Where is Yu Cheng… where is Yu Cheng?” Tears rolled down his cheeks, his chest felt constricted, and he was in pain. Why didn’t they want him anymore? Why were they treating him like a monster?

As Qin He remained motionless, the person slowly opened something that had already been prepared. It was a photo of Yu Cheng, and Qin He’s pupils contracted. The boy’s handsome features were still attractive even when magnified. He looked like he did when he had a crew cut, but his expression was gentle without the usual impatience. At that time, Yu Cheng didn’t know what he was writing, but he was very serious, stroke by stroke. Qin He took a photo of it with his phone and had it developed at a photo shop. From then on, that photo became Qin He’s favorite bookmark in his books.

Qin He was stirred by memories, and his lips wanted to curl up. The photo that used to bring infinite tenderness now became a painful poison.

The electric shock device in the man’s hand was placed on Qin He without hesitation. “What a pity,” the man clicked his tongue and slowly said the second half of the sentence with emphasis, “You can’t like him.”

The electric current from the shock felt like thin needles piercing into Qin He’s body, even seemingly through the gaps in his bones. He winced in pain, his palms scratching against the chair, his mouth tightly shut. When the electric shock stopped, he had a moment to catch his breath, but before he could even recover, it started again.

From then on, the man would repeatedly play photos of Yu Cheng from various angles: smiling, angry, awkward. As long as Qin He showed any reaction, he would mercilessly continue. As time went on, the electric current intensified, causing Qin He’s body to convulse uncontrollably. The man would then repeat in Qin He’s ear over and over again, “You can’t like him, you can’t like men.”

Until Qin He showed no reaction and seemed to resist, the man would encourage him, saying, “Yes, good.”

Qin Wanqing might never know in this lifetime that Qin He was naturally homosexual. But the previous Qin He had never had such thoughts. Even if it wasn’t Yu Cheng, Qin Wanqing would still have sent Qin He here for treatment.

They would show Qin He various videos to manipulate his reactions. Any slight deviation would result in punches and kicks. At times, Qin He would think he was already dead, with no one knowing. They conducted various tests on him without his knowledge, sadistically tormenting him. They planted spies among them to see who was genuine and who was pretending. He was reconstructed according to their preferences. Every scar on his body was a trace of his brokenness. He was still Qin He, but not the same Qin He anymore. He became a puppet in the hands of adults, a broken doll.

He gradually became “normal”…

“No matter how long the night, the day will come.”

But Qin He had fallen into an eternal abyss where daylight would never come. His life was filled with eternal darkness. His once-beautiful eyes lost their luster, unreachable by any light.

No one came to redeem him, and he just wanted to immerse himself in being consumed by darkness.

Perhaps one day people would boldly express their love and break free from societal constraints, but he couldn’t wait any longer.

He had always wanted to ask if he was truly wrong. Was his love wrong? What does it mean to be normal?

In the endless questioning and indoctrination, he began to doubt himself, wondering if he was truly a monster, if he was abnormal.

But what does it mean to be normal?

Xian Nan Zhi 

“No matter how long the night, the day will always come.” – from “Macbeth” by William Shakespeare.

Recently I’ve been a bit busy, update schedule uncertain, one chapter per day, wishing everyone an enjoyable reading experience.