CH 36

Come to think of it, the first time I summoned Fenex, I scattered mother-of-pearl on the floor to fool the eye.

All things considered, there is only one answer.

“…Starlight in the sea.”

It was a seashell. Fenex ate while I was asleep. No, Michael had eaten the shell on the shelf and disappeared, leaving nothing but crumbs behind. Even though I had lost a memory of my dad, I was able to relive that happy feeling in my dreams. It was a quid pro quo.

From then on, I kept a seashell by my bedside every night. I wake up smiling every day because of it. I no longer suffer from nightmares. The lonely nights of tossing and turning because I couldn’t sleep are gone.

I couldn’t ask for more.

……That’s what I thought, until, not even a week later, it happened.

“You….”

I return home from work with a beer in hand, only to find an officer standing at my door. He greets me politely, and it’s Simeon’s bodyguard. He drives me home, and the business is done.

“What are you doing here?”

I ask and he takes a step back.

“I have something important to tell you.”

“I’m not listening.”

Probably something to do with Simeon anyway.

With a curt refusal, I reached for the front door lock. But the bodyguard stepped in front of me, blocking my way. I looked up sharply, and he frowned in confusion. It was uncharacteristic of him, and it only increased my suspicions.

“Did Simeon put you up to this?”

“No, sir. It was my own initiative.”

“…Did he order you to say that?”

“I came purely of my own volition; rather, Simeon ordered me not to go to your side, no matter what.”

The unwavering gaze in his eyes didn’t lie. He had always done what Simeon told him to do, but to say it was of his own accord? He wouldn’t lie, but he would do anything for his superior. No, it didn’t matter what the reason was or who told him to do it. He’d severed his ties with him.

“Step aside.”

When I glanced away as if I wasn’t interested, the bodyguard called my name for the first time. “Shin Ha-jae.” There’s a hint of embarrassment in his voice as he calls out, another man who, like Raphael, has nothing to do with this, but he’s working for Simeon, so he has no choice but to cut to the chase.

“You were with me at the time, so you know. If you visit me even once, what did I say I was going to do…”

Quietly, I pulled out my mobile phone and said,

“This is my last warning, please leave before I call the police.”

There was a heavy tension in the air. No one moved for a while, so I switched off the sensor lights. Only the light of the mobile phone glowed menacingly in the darkness. After a moment, the bodyguard obediently turned and walked away.

I watched the black sedan disappear out the window and knew immediately where he was going. No matter where I am, the spirit will know where I am, but I need to go somewhere they won’t find me easily. Preferably down in the southern tip, close to the ocean. So I can always run away again.

For a few days, my senses were heightened to the slightest noise, and I was on edge, wondering if it was him, and then wondering what the hell I was doing. It didn’t take long to shatter my barely restored routine.

One day, suddenly, the doorbell rang.

“Who is it?”

I asked from the front door, but there was no answer. I wonder if it’s him again.

“I told you, I don’t have anything to say to you, and I don’t want to bother you.”

I waited for a while, but it was quiet outside the door. Just to be on the safe side, I peeked out through the small hole in the door. No one was there. The sensors in the hallway didn’t turn on either, so it was dark.

“What the….”

I wondered if I was hearing things, and as I stepped back from the doorway, I heard a voice behind me.

“It’s been a while.”

A soft, languid voice. It was his, the one I couldn’t get out of my head no matter how hard I tried.

”How are you?”

My body stiffened as if I’d been doused with ice water. I didn’t dare look back. No, I didn’t have to look; the long shadow had been moving toward me all along. As soon as I heard the silent footsteps, I squeezed my eyes shut and screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Get out of my house now!”

“Shin Hajae-ssi.”

“You promised me you wouldn’t come back.”

Still, he didn’t stop walking. He knew I couldn’t escape if I was caught, so I made the same threat.

“You haven’t forgotten what I told you I’d do to if you came back, have you?”

“Just listen to me.”

“Doesn’t what I’m saying make sense?”

A long shadow slowly swallows me up. It grabs my ankles like a rising tide, and I reach for the front door, realizing I must escape.

“If you won’t go, I’ll go.”

At that moment, a hand shot out from behind and grabbed my wrist. The rough tug spun me around like a straw. I could smell the cool night air. My face was pressed against his, as if I were falling asleep.

“…What are you doing?”

I struggled to get away, and he pulled me into an impatient embrace. His strong arms trembled anxiously, as if he might lose me. After a moment’s hesitation, he buried his face in my hair and whispered in a low voice.

“Hyung. Are you going to leave me again?”

…What?

My heart sank. I’m clearly awake. My eyes are wide open, but it’s hard to take in the sudden reality.

Hyung. You left me ‘again’. And now Simeon is…….

“…I missed you.”

His low voice trembled with emotion. I squirmed in panic, and he hugged me hard enough to break me. When I stopped breathing, I could feel his heartbeat in my stilled ear. Thump, thump. The sound was hard and heavy, louder than my own anxious beating.

“I never forgot you, not for a second.”

He rubbed his cheek against my head, as if he were a child. I, on the other hand, stood dumbfounded, unable to push him away or pull him into a hug. It wasn’t until my overloaded brain finally caught up with me that I managed to get the words out.

“How did you know……?”

“I’ve known about it since we first met.”

“…You’re lying.”

When we first met, we bumped into each other in a back alley. This is the first time he’s been able to find out that I’m John because the condition for entering the barrier is that I know Simeon’s face, so why didn’t he tell me beforehand. Did he want me to reveal my identity first?

When I couldn’t speak anymore because of the confusion, Simeon frankly spoke his mind.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you …Did it hurt a lot?”

A cold hand gently touched his neck. It shouldn’t hurt from the dozens of times he’d been stabbed by thorns, but strangely enough, the wound stung with each gentle touch. When I winced, Simeon let out a small sob and hugged me tighter.

“It’s just… I feel bad that you left me behind, I mean, I’m this broken and you’re fine, and you seem to have forgotten all about me……. so it just stings a little.”

You know it by the way I look now, by the way my face is mangled as I try to swallow back my tears, by the way I cover my mangled heart with my hands and turn my head away as if I don’t know.

And yet you asked.

“Were you happy without me?”

A very cruel question.

I immediately raised my hand and grabbed his shoulder and pushed. I gave him a little push, but he was easily pushed away. Biting his lip hard, he looked up, his eyes bright red. Simeon’s mask had fallen away, and he was now the man I knew. He was the child I knew, the one who couldn’t hide his heart and my layered resolve crumbled in an instant.

“No, Heo-sang, I didn’t. Everything I left you, everything…….”

Snap, thud!

The sound of a harsh door slamming shut made my eyes pop open.

“…….”

I could hear the fridge running and footsteps outside the door. I blinked dazedly, and the tears that had formed on my eyelashes fell away. The hand that reached out to stroke the cheek of his top stretched toward the ceiling. Instead of warmth, my fingers were greeted by dust and air.

So it was all a dream.

“…Hah.”

He parted his tightly clenched lips and let out a small gasp. He clenched his fists hard, his nails digging into his palms, and the pain was palpable. This is reality. I glance to the side, eyes full of resentment, and see a pure white bird perched on the windowsill.

“Michael, why are you showing me these dreams?”

No answer came. Michael faded silently into the moonlight. I told him I didn’t want him anymore, but from that day forward, he haunted my dreams. Not a day went by that I didn’t have a vision of him coming to my door.

“Brother John. I missed you.”

I even call him by name now. He smiles and pulls me into an embarrassingly gentle hug. With each dream, the touch becomes more vivid. I place my hand on his back and feel the hard wing bones and the muscles of his body. I breathe in, and the smell of the cold winter night reaches deep into my lungs, so how can I think this is a dream?

“Heo-sang.”

But the moment I call his name, I wake up. When I wake up, all that remains is an unspeakable sense of emptiness and loathing for me.