Chapter 71
04. Morendo (As If Dying)
The room was simple and didn’t have a good meaning.
It meant that it was too shabby to be called a room where the mistress of the marquisate lived. It seemed that it had not been maintained at all, and the furniture was full of dust.
Eric clicked his tongue briefly, brushing the dust with the tips of his fingers. Even if he changed the servants, Chloe was treated the same. Even though he thought so, he couldn’t blame them… because it was clear whose fault it was.
It was his fault.
His fault for not treating Chloe as a mistress, his fault for leaving her alone…
What if he had been with her from the beginning? Even if he didn’t love her but if he had at least shown her that he cared for her, would Chloe’s treatment have been different? As he thought that he took it for granted that it would have been the case, Eric’s heart broke even more.
Chloe was not a woman to be treated like this. Even more as she was a woman who should have lived happily under the brilliant lights…
As he fumbled across the dusty desk, Eric suddenly opened a drawer. It didn’t make any sense whatsoever, and he just opened it because there was a drawer within reach. The unlocked drawers were stiff, but they opened easily.
Inside was a small notebook.
He casually picked up the note and turned the pages slowly.
[ April 12, 421
I’m tired. ]
Eric’s hand as he turned the paper trembled. Until now, he had never heard ‘tired’ directly from Chloe. Therefore, it was his first time seeing these raw emotions, and because of that, the shock he received was just as enormous.
It wasn’t a big deal, it was just a phrase written as if thrown out… but it dug into his heart.
As he staggered and landed on the desk, dark gray dust clung to his palms.
Eric caught his breath slowly. He closed his eyes and then slowly raised them before turning the page again.
[ May 9th
I didn’t say a word today. No one talks to me. Even if I stopped someone and talk to them, they wouldn’t even make eye contact with me, so there wasn’t even a reason for me to speak.
My mouth is stuffy. Drinking water does not make it feel quenched.
How long should I be like this? Will it change when my husband returns?
If only he would come and take care of me a little more… ]
The diary ended without a proper ending. Chloe knew it, too, the fact that even if he returned, nothing would change. As Eric closed his eyes, remembering what he had done to her, the cold attitude he displayed when he returned to the mansion once a quarter to greet her.
“Darling, can we have dinner together tonight?”
“Darling, how about going for a walk together?”
“Darling, today I…”
“Darling…”
Eric buried himself in the chair and covered his face with his hands.
What if he had dinner with her… what if he walked together? If he had listened to her day or if he had listened to her a little more… If so, wouldn’t it have been possible not to regret looking back at the past like now?
Eric now realized how painful it was to reminisce about the past, and how terrible the irreversible past could lead to. Still, even though he regretted it endlessly, nothing changed now. He couldn’t have dinner with Chloe anymore, he couldn’t go for a walk with Chloe, he couldn’t hear her call him husband.
He slowly let go of his hands covering his face, and again, he held the diary.
With his trembling hands, he turned the next page.
[ December 2
Today, I was ruled to be terminally ill.
Two years at the longest. At the shortest, I will not live even a year and a half. ]
Thump.
His heart dropped. Eric read the following text, trying to hold on to his dizzying spirit.
[ I was taken aback when I first heard it. After that, I denied the reality and thought it couldn’t be… it’s different now. I humbly accept it now. Just because I’m in denial over and over again doesn’t mean the reality will change… so I had to admit that I am going to die. ]
Unlike the elegant handwriting, the contents were cruel.
[ Anyway, even now that I am alive, it is a life that is no different from being dead. Even if I die, nothing will change. Rather… wouldn’t it be better to die early? ]
Eric bit his lower lip.
She was at the point where she thought it was better to die…
As he thought that the loneliness Chloe felt was beyond his ability to fathom, that made him bitterly lonely, and he finally dropped his head.
It shouldn’t be like this…
He shouldn’t let Chloe die, feeling terribly lonely. It was truly selfish not to allow her to die, but he decided to choose selfishness one last time. He couldn’t let Chloe die, he had to keep her alive somehow.
…If so, how?
“Heart…”
Eric muttered as he tapped the desk with his fingertips, and he glanced down at his feet at the same time.
To be precise, he was staring at his prosthetic foot.
The machine-made prosthetic leg was incomparably sophisticated. How much effort had been put into making this prosthetic leg for years? He recalled the past and, at the same time, wondered if he could make such a machine as a heart.
‘…Mechanical heart.’
If he transplanted it to Chloe, wouldn’t she be able to live?
Eric raised his eyes and opened them. He had decided what he had to do. He was a man of drive, and he was also a man of a stubbornness who would not change a decision once he had made it.
Cough!
Sitting on a shabby bed in a simple inn room, Chloe coughed and curled her body.
As blood was dripping, she covered her mouth with a handkerchief and closed her eyes tightly. It hurt. It was so painful… but nothing could be done. The only thing she could do was to take pain-relieving medicine and wait until the medicine wore off.
“Haa…”
…Just time to swallow the pain.
She finally calmed down, and Chloe let out a breath and leaned forward before burying her face between her legs and holding her cheeks in her hands.
How long would she live like this?
In fact, Chloe couldn’t find a reason to live anymore. She had no hopes for life, so she did not feel it was worth living. A life worth dying for… this would be the sentence that represented her current mind.
Could this be depression?
She thought a little about her own condition. Although it was very likely, even if she said yes, she had no intention of going to therapy. As she said, she would die. She wanted to make her dying life better because she did not want to do anything.
Chloe calmly raised her body and lowered her eyes.
Today, she had to start her day again.
Still, she had nothing to do during the day, so Chloe pondered for a moment and got up, thinking she should go to the beach again.
When she left the room and went downstairs, she saw Sophia moving around busily. She seemed to be preparing breakfast for his guests. Seeing that, Chloe cautiously left the inn since she did not want to eat breakfast. Nonetheless, she knew that if Sophia caught sight of her, she would have no choice but to eat breakfast.
Regardless, she couldn’t escape the hawk eyes that Sophia had on her.
“Madam…!”
Sophia shouted behind her back. Even though she didn’t want to, Chloe was forced to turn her body towards Sophia.
“Are you awake? You came out a little late today!”
Chloe, who couldn’t bear to say that she was late because she was coughing up blood, replied that she had overslept. She then directed her to a spot and told her that she would serve breakfast.
“But, I don’t have to eat breakfast.”
She refused.
“That won’t do. You’re still skinny like this now, but if you lose more weight here, it’ll be bad. It’s not good for your health either. I’ll serve you very little, so try it, alright?”
Her words made Chloe decide that she couldn’t beat her, so she couldn’t help but nod her head. Seeing her like that, Sophia said she was happy and went into the kitchen.
Chloe was always, always, burdened with these kindnesses because she herself could not reciprocate Sophia’s kindness. While she knew she had to give back what she got, since she’d never received anything right in her life, she didn’t know how to give it back either.
She wanted to do something commensurate with this sincerity, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. Even if she knew, she couldn’t afford to do it… So, she always felt burdened by Sophia and felt sorry for her.
Contrary to her words, Chloe said to Sophia, who had brought a plate full of food.
“This is too much. I wish we could eat together.”
“Oh, can I?”
Perhaps Sophia had been waiting for these words, she quickly sat down across from Chloe.
“Today is an omelet and toast made with a special sauce. It should suit your taste.”
“Your food always melts in my mouth. It’s delicious.”
“Thank you for saying that.”
Sophia, who smiled embarrassedly, put her hands together and glanced at her. As if she had something to say, Chloe waited for Sophia’s next words without lifting her fork.
“By the way, Madam.”
It had been a long time since she had observed Chloe’s noble way of speaking, her noble demeanor, and her eyes full of intelligence. In addition, a man who came to visit a while ago referred to her as ‘Mrs. Aslan’. If he was Marquis Aslan, then Chloe was indeed a great person…!
So, Sophia showed a little more friendliness to Chloe because she had a favor to ask.
“Can you write something?”
Hearing her sudden question, Chloe tilted her head.
“Yes, but why do you ask?”
“That’s great!”
Sophia clapped her hands and shouted.
“Then, can you please do me one favor?”
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