CH 111

What I want from Sendai-san — 111

Translated by KaiesV

Edited by KaiesV

Five days after the appointment is tomorrow, and I feel heavy.

When Sendai-san asked me about my test results, I said they were so-so, but that was a lie. I don’t think it was done well enough to call it so-so. I didn’t want to call that so-so because I thought I could do a little more. It would not be interesting if I told it as it is and Sendai-san was discouraged.

So I lied to her, just as Sendai-san always breaks her promises.

I hate myself like this.

Bell peppers, broccoli, and garland chrysanthemum.

I noticed things I didn’t like among the vegetables in the supermarket I stopped by on my way home from school, and I don’t like myself as much as I do those things.

I don’t like parsley, and Sendai doesn’t like it either——

I wish I could have thought I hated it.

After all, Sendai-san never told me she hated me.

I sigh one more time, then put the retort-packed food and instant noodles in the basket. I stop to buy some cider to go straight home. I go back to the vegetable section and toss a potato and a carrot into the basket.

I wish there was a vegetable that would make me smarter.

As I wandered through the supermarket, I tried to jog my memory. I had heard somewhere that fish contains ingredients that make you smarter. But I don’t like fish. Even if I could eat them, I know they wouldn’t suddenly make me smarter.

I know it is too late to panic now, but I want to cling to something like I cling to God.

If I want to go to the same university as Maika, the next exam is the real test, so if I do well on that exam, there will be no problem. My grades are improving and my teacher says I can take it.

But I don’t believe either the teacher or myself.

Even Sendai-san is having a hard time believing it.

I wish I had unshakable confidence.

If I could believe that I would be accepted to the university, and I could also believe in Sendai-san, I would feel that I could continue seeing her as before even after graduation. But in reality I don’t know if I will be accepted to the university of my choice, and Sendai-san breaks her promise to me.

If I fail to get into the same university as Maika.

I’m going to stay.

I don’t think that’s a very interesting story.

If I get in, I want to get in, and if I don’t, I don’t feel good about it. I don’t want to be forced to leave Sendai-san by external factors, not by my own choice. I would rather get away from Sendai-san before the graduation ceremony comes than have that happen to me.

That day.

I thought that if Sendai-san told me she didn’t like me, I could leave before the appointed date.

I think in front of the shelf of plastic bottles.

I almost reach for the cider and stop.

Not that I wanted to give priority to Sendai-san, but the two PET bottles in the fridge had a little less barley tea in them.

「Two of those are heavy…」

Not putting both in the basket, given that I have to carry the luggage home. I give up on the cider and put the barley tea in my basket. Then I grab a pack of beef before heading to the cash register.

Since I started eating with Sendai-san, my palate has become more luxurious.

Retort foods and instant ramen are delicious, but food prepared by others tastes even better. If I’m going to eat, I want to eat better food.

The problem is that the only person who might be able to provide me with that delicious meal is Sendai-san.

Before I knew it, Sendai-san had become a part of who I am. There are many marks on my memory calendar that I don’t remember putting on it, and even my taste buds are marked. Most of them were added by Sendai-san on her own, but I can recall every one of them. It is annoying, but even if I tried to erase them, the marks would not disappear.

I pay and leave the supermarket.

It is the end of January, and a cold wind blows as I walk through the city.

The bag in my right hand is heavy.

The amount of shopping has increased since I started eating with Sendai-san. At times like this, it would be nice if Sendai-san could be next to me and carry my luggage. Nearly half of this stuff is for her to eat and she should at least do that.

But if I wanted her to actually carry the luggage, I would have to add the rule that we do the shopping together, and that would be a hassle. If this kind of thing continues in the future, it would be better to change it, but there is not much time left. I don’t want to change the rules to shop with Sendai-san, nor do I want her to carry my luggage, so this status quo should be fine.

I think so, but my right hand feels awfully heavy.

I keep thinking that Sendai-san should carry half the luggage.

Even my head is getting heavy because of the impossible thought that won’t go away.

We promised not to see each other after graduation and I don’t know if I’ll be accepted into college.

Still, if.

If I could get into the same university as Maika.

I’m a liar anyway, so it should be okay to lie about promises I made in the past.

I shake my heavy pack and speed up my walk.

Wrong.

I’m a liar, and I’m lying about how I think it’s okay for me to lie——

「This, this doesn’t make any sense!」

I get confused thinking to myself.

I increase my walking speed a little more.

I don’t feel like my speed has changed that much, but the wind on my cheeks feels colder than before. Perhaps it is the barley tea, but the bag is digging into my hand.

Rushing back to my apartment, I put the contents of the bag in the fridge.

Back in my room, I turn on the air conditioner and change my clothes.

Then I go straight to bed and lie down.

From under the black cat on my pillow, I pull out the manga that Sendai-san was reading four days ago.

I flip through the pages.

All the while, I’m feeling flustered.

I don’t want to see Sendai-san tomorrow.

I am not so stupid as to not see that these thoughts are conflicting. Lately, I have been feeling a mixture of not wanting to see her and wanting to see her.

Once I see her, I want to see her again.

Then I wish I didn’t have to see her, but even if I didn’t, I would still want to see her.

It is hard to keep thinking like this.

I can’t help thinking, “If only we could go back to this time last year.”

If I could rewind time, I would end my relationship with Sendai-san before the class change. Then I would be able to choose a university and live here without thinking about anything.

After all, Sendai-san should have told me she hated me.

She is always terrible.

I just close the manga I was flipping through the pages and pat the black cat on the head. Cats don’t meow or meow. They don’t complain like Sendai-san does.

It is boring.

I hit the black cat on the head again.

I don’t want tomorrow to come, but I want it to come soon, and I wish it would go away.