CH 154

I don't want Miyagi to know about this — 154

Translated by KaiesV

Edited by KaiesV

Even days that were special are buried in the past as the days go by. Partly because I intentionally keep the memory of that day tucked away in an inconspicuous place in my mind, I am able to live my days the same as Miyagi.

Not that I have no complaints about repeating the same day as if it were stamped, but in doing so our relationship is getting closer to what it was.

But it’s not exactly the same series of days.

「Sensei, are you enjoying college?」

Hanamaki-san, who was doing her homework, looked up and saw me.

「I guess it’s just so-so. Are you enjoying school, Hanamaki-san?」

I don’t know if I am a good teacher, but I am getting used to my part-time job as a tutor and to being called a teacher. Now that I also know how to interact with Hanamaki-san, I don’t get as nervous as I did in the beginning. In my efforts to stay the same, I am changing as a tutor.

「It’s fun. I want to stay in middle school.」

Hanamaki-san sighs exaggeratedly with a「haa,」after making a comment unbecoming of a student taking a test.

「I wish I could stay in middle school forever. I’m having fun in my current class.」

「High school could be fun, too.」

「Did Sensei enjoyed that too?」

I couldn’t go to the high school I wanted.

So I tried to get around and have a good school life, and I was having a good time, but good enough was just good enough. But, that changed when I spent nearly half of my high school years with Miyagi.

「I guess I had fun in the end.」

「The end means, weren’t you having fun along the way?」

「I had fun along the way, too. So maybe Hanamaki-san will have some fun too.」

I smiled back at her.

「I know that there may be, but I still prefer now.」

Hanamaki-san sighed once more, before continuing her words.

「What did you enjoy about that time, Sensei?」

Hanamaki-san isn’t a talker, nor does she talk so much that she can’t stop talking, but she does like to talk, and when she asks questions to each other, the conversation never ends. This is a far cry from Miyagi, who tends to remain silent.

「Nhn— Let’s see…」

I am at a loss for words because what I enjoyed is hard to answer.

I can’t talk about what I did with Miyagi, and when I do talk about it, it won’t be something that people who hear me will say sounds like fun.

「Is that because you have a lover or something?」

I hear a voice with a mountain of curiosity and Miyagi’s face comes to mind. I smile, shooing away Miyagi, who naturally appeared.

「I get it now. Hanamaki-san is having fun in middle school because you had a lover.」

「There is no such person.」

Hanamaki-san responds immediately.

「Okay. Then, when you get someone like that, let Sensei know about it.」

Chit-chat is a good break and eases the air. If we talk for a bit during the study, that’s a nice change of pace, and then we can focus on the rest of the day. Normally I would continue talking for a while longer, but it’s not good for this conversation to continue.

「I think it’s time to continue.」

I cut the conversation short and encourage them to continue with her homework.

Hanamaki-san replied with a short「okay,」and looked down at her notebook.

A pen runs over white paper.

From then on, as usual, I watched the study until it was time to go, and then I left Hanamaki-san’s house.

I walk to the station and take the train.

I recall the conversation I had with Hanamaki-san.

The word “lover” did not apply to me and Miyagi when we were in high school. And it doesn’t apply now. I don’t even know if it will ever apply in the future.

I didn’t want to use my love for Miyagi to justify what happened on Sunday. That hasn’t changed, but then I don’t know when to tell her how I feel. Whether I say it today or tomorrow, the word “like” is going to seem like an ornament to make me look right in the past.

I cannot see a future in which my feelings are conveyed correctly.

Therefore, the word “lover” seems far away and irrelevant to me. Right now, I am more reluctant to let go of the relationship I have built up over the years than I was to become what Miyagi would call a lover.

The pause has made me timid. And made me realize how much I might lose by telling.

The train stops and starts running again.

The same thing happens over and over again, getting closer and closer to the destination.

Where is it that Miyagi and I are aiming for?

I am not even sure if we are aiming in the same direction.

I get off the train repeating the same thing.

I head for home, illuminated by the streetlights, walk up the stairs and open the door. Miyagi’s shoes are at the entrance. When I went to the common area, I found a sheet of notepaper on the table.

『You can eat the pudding.』

I look in the refrigerator and see two puddings sitting there. I take out the vegetables and pork from inside, not the pudding, and stir-fry them. After filling my stomach with a simple supper, I go to the front of Miyagi’s room.

I knocked on the door three times, and Miyagi appeared.

「Welcome home, did you eat the pudding?」

「I’m back, I’m going to eat it now, so I called you.」

After I said this, Miyagi came out of the room and sat down on a chair maturely. I take out two puddings and two spoons and take a seat too.

「Itadakimasu.」

Our voices were aligned.

Peeling off the lid, I scoop the pudding with a spoon and bring it to my mouth.

The hard pudding is sweeter than I expected.

When I looked at Miyagi, she was slowly crumbling the pudding and eating it.

It tasted good, and she seemed to be in a good mood.

When we are together like this, I know that Miyagi doesn’t hate me. But the fact that she doesn’t hate me doesn’t mean that she likes me. For the most part, Miyagi doesn’t believe a word I say. The word that I like her may not even be enough to justify what happened on Sunday.

It seems to me that it would be very difficult to make Miyagi believe my words, and if I asked her to go out with me, she would reflexively refuse. Even now, if I say,「You seem to be in a good mood,」she might deny my words, saying,「That’s not true.」

Miyagi seems to be a wary stray cat and does not like change.

The feeling of liking something is a big change in the relationship, and if I told Miyagi now, everything would be over.

We would surely cease to be roommates and Miyagi would be gone from my life.

If it were.

If only it were that easy.

It’s better not to say anything.

If I continue to live like a stampede, I can touch Miyagi as a roommate. Instead of the relationship remaining the same, there is nothing to lose.

Even if I feel dissatisfied with the current situation, I can pull up memories buried in the past and look at them, and that’s all I can tolerate for now. The word “lover” should not be something that you would risk losing everything to get.

I bring the yellow mass to my mouth, swallow, and then ask.

「Miyagi, where did you get this pudding?」

「The convenience store there.」

「Next time, I want to try apricot bean curd.」

「Go buy it yourself one.」

「Miyagi’s stingy.」

If you don’t say you like them, you can have this silly conversation.

I think that’s what makes it fun.

We continue our meaningless conversation and eat the pudding.

We talk for a while after the container is empty and stand up when the conversation stops.

I went to the side of Miyagi.

I comb Miyagi’s hair as she sits down and touch her ear, and she moves her body slightly ticklishly and grabs my clothes.

When I crawl my fingers, I touch something hard. It’s in the shape of a small flower, and when I touch it, I feel that I am special to Miyagi. I don’t care if it’s just me who feels that way.

I puts my lips to her cheek.

I gently touch and move away.

If we maintain the status quo, we can kiss like this.

I stroked her lips with my thumb.

Miyagi pulled herself together and looked up at me.

Our gazes meet.

I squeeze my own hand. My heart is beating so fast that I feel my heart will burst before I can touch Miyagi at this rate.

I close my eyes from me and put my lips on top of hers.

For a moment, really.

A light touch and then a quick separation.

When I opened my eyes, Miyagi was still in front of me, unchanged.

「Tomorrow, Sendai-san, go buy me something that isn’t pudding.」

Miyagi says, releasing my clothes from her grasp.

「Alright.」

Just a little patience.

Right now, it is more important that Miyagi is here.