Volume 1 - CH 2
“H-hey! Are you okay? Pull yourself together! You’ll die at this rate! I said, pull yourself together!”
It hadn’t been difficult for Renier to figure out where the whistling was coming from. There was a forest of cedars far beneath the cave where Renier hunted often, and a trail of bright red blood had been left over the white cover of snow. Neither the people of the Southlands nor the people of the Northlands visited this region often because it was the boundary between Rock Mountain and Salt Mountain.
A large boy was hiding in the rocky mountains under a makeshift shelter he had made from branches in order to block out the wind. The boy had already lost consciousness by the time Renier found him.
It only took Renier one look to realize that the boy was a Northlander, the people who were also called beastmen. For starters, his appearance was starkly different from that of the Southlanders that Renier was so accustomed to seeing. He was very large, he had hair all over his limbs and even on the back of his hand, and his mud-colored hair was as tangled as an overgrown field of weeds.
But the boy still looked human, unlike what Renier had always imagined. He even looked fairly young, considering the roundness of his slightly freckled visage.
Renier studied the unconscious boy for quite a long time. She was a little afraid because she had always been told that the Northlanders were half-beast half-human beastmen who were the descendants of a man-eating beast, but the boy didn’t look much different from other humans, he was wearing proper clothes and shoes, and he was even carrying a weapon. There was no way that a beast would make shoes for himself, much less put them on.
Still, Renier couldn’t help but be impressed. Had he really survived for several days while also sending out distress signals despite having lost so much blood?
The boy was alive, but he was in grave condition. A bronze spear was lodged deeply inside his thigh, and the flesh immediately surrounding the wound had turned blue —though Renier didn’t know if this was because the spear tip had been poisoned or because of frostbite.
In any event, the boy would only die immediately if Renier tried to pull the spear out right now because she would neither be able to stop the bleeding nor give him proper treatment. Actually, it was probably more likely that the pain would kill him first. Renier couldn’t help but wonder how the boy was even still alive right now.
Renier covered the boy’s eyes and bound his hands tightly in front of him first before she poured some of her precious wine into his mouth. Then, she began slapping him hard across the face.
“U……. Ugh!”
He only began groaning after Renier had slapped his face red. He tried to look around wildly at first, after having realized that he was blindfolded and his hands were bound, but he didn’t try to struggle. It seemed like he didn’t have any energy left in his body. Instead, he took a shaky breath and began to ask question after question.
“Who are you? D-did you……save me? Which mountain tribe do you hail from? And……why have you covered my eyes? And my hands?”
The boy’s manner of speech sounded weird and funny to Renier and made him sound like an old man, but Renier had no way of knowing if this was simply how the Northlanders spoke or if the boy had a special manner of speech. She had never heard a Northlander speak, after all.
“I tied up your hands because I didn’t want you to take off the blindfold. I’ll untie them if you promise me that you’ll keep the blindfold on. Be warned that I’m just going to up and leave if you take it off.”
“Pray tell me why you’ve covered my eyes first.”
The boy’s quiet and raspy voice sounded incredibly melancholy, but it also sounded scarily composed.
“Hear me out first. You’re going to die within the day if I don’t save you right now. You probably know this too, but no one knows if it’ll be another week or ten days until this storm blows over.”
“…….”
“You’re probably from Salt Mountain, judging by how you were whistling, but no one else will come to help you even if you keep whistling for a hundred more days. Your whistle won’t travel even a single league in this weather. You obviously won’t be heard by anyone in Salt City, and no one from your tribe will come to rescue you either.”
“I’m aware of all that too. I kept sending signals anyway because I had to do anything that I could to keep living. And, here you are.”
You would’ve frozen to death here if those five bastards hadn’t died this morning and they had their way with me. Renier smiled wryly.
“The cave that I’ve been staying at isn’t too far from here. I’ve stashed some medicinal wine that I’ve made there, there’s a fire, and there won’t be any wild animals nearby because there are too many people. You might be able to make it if you manage to hold out for a little longer.”
“A cave?”
“Yeah. A cave. But I can’t let a Northlander know where the cave is, and I can’t let you see the faces of the people living there either. And I’ll be beaten to death too if they find out that I saved a Northlander’s life. That’s why I covered your eyes.”
“Are you one of the grave robbers in the divine stone mines?”
The boy’s voice suddenly turned frigid. Renier flinched before she pouted and said,
“It’s true that I’ve been hiding in the mines, but I couldn’t care any less about the divine stones. I’ve never dug up a single pebble. I’m already busy enough trying to hunt and eat.”
“…….”
“You don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to. But I swear on the names of the great Enlil, Enki, Utu, Nanna, and Ninhursag that I’ve never touched a divine stone in my life —not even a piece as small as an eyelash.”
The boy’s expression mellowed when Renier swore by the first gods that came to her mind. He steadied his breathing to endure the pain for a while before he managed to reply,
“I believe you. You didn’t dig up any divine stones.”
“Hmph, am I supposed to be grateful and throw myself at your feet just because you believe me? Are you Northlanders not taught what you’re supposed to say in times like this?”
Renier retorted disgruntledly because her mood had only soured more when it had already been at rock-bottom. It was only then that the boy finally grew flustered and said,
“……I apologize for being late in conveying my gratitude. I owe you a huge debt of grace. I am Kuhn of Salt City, son of Huwatu and Kahala. What is your name? Where are you from? Who is your father?”
“Are you insane? Why the hell would you ask me that when you know I’m working my ass off trying not to get caught by you Northlanders?”
“…….”
“Anyway, you’re absolutely not allowed to see anything until I tell you that it’s okay to take off your blindfold. I’ll help you as long as you promise me you won’t.”
The boy furrowed his brow for a moment as he fell into thought.
“I wish to know why you’re helping me despite saying that your own life may be in danger if you do.”
Renier suddenly grew annoyed. How am I supposed to explain that? My throat closes up and I feel like I want to die whenever I think about ‘why.’ She had no choice but to forcefully quash his question.
“Why do you keep prattling on and on about everything when I’m telling you that I’m going to help you? You know what?! I’m helping you just because I want to!”
“I want to trust you. That’s why I wish to know the reasoning behind your incomprehensible actions,”
the boy quipped back slowly but stubbornly.
Renier had no idea why this big buffoon only kept asking one question after another when he could’ve simply said thank you and quietly let her carry him away. Still, she was surprised by how rational and cautious the beastman was now that she had finally met one. Renier hesitated for a moment before she quietly said,
“I never would’ve helped the likes of a Northlander like you under any normal circumstances.”
“Then, why are you helping me?”
Renier stood silently in place for quite some time because she didn’t know how to answer. She recalled the corpses whose limbs had bent in strange places after falling down the cliff. A cry rushed up from deep within before she knew it, and her eyes grew moist with fresh tears. She tried her best to blink them away, but the teardrops fell from her eyes before she could stop them and audibly dripped down to her feet.
The boy waited with his head lowered for a while before he quietly said,
“Don’t cry.”
“…….”
“I apologize if I asked you something I shouldn’t have. I’ll just make you a promise.”
“Hmph……shit, well thanks, I guess.”
“You have my word that I will not undo my blindfold until you permit it. I won’t see anything. I’ll do whatever it is that you tell me to. You swore to me upon the names of the great gods, so I’ll also make you this promise on the name of Lord Utu, the god of the sun whom I believe in,”
said the boy named Kuhn in a quiet yet calm voice.
Renier gave the boy the rest of the fruit wine that she had been saving. Fruit wine was often used as medicine or emergency rations because it was both nutritious and also helped warm up the body.
The boy was still blindfolded as Renier just barely managed to help him to his feet. He flinched and groaned whenever his left leg, the one that had been stabbed by the spear, touched the ground. Renier nearly fell over when she tried to carry him on her back. The boy was much bigger than her, and he was also rather heavy.
“Ditch the axe. It’s heavy.”
“……Urtur (puppy) is like a part of my own body.”
Seriously? Puppy? Are you kidding me right now? You gave your axe a cutesy name like that? And that’s why you can’t bear to throw it away?
“Hey! You’re fucking heavy enough as it is, okay?! Can’t you see my legs shaking under your weight right now? Oh, wait, I guess you can’t. But anyway, ditch it! You promised me that you’d do whatever I tell you. Are you going back on your word already?”
“……I merely forgot for a moment. I’ll cast it aside.”
The boy flung the bloodied axe that had been hanging at his waist to the ground. He had probably meant it when he said his axe was like a part of his own body, considering how much hesitation Renier could feel from him.
Renier trembled as she began walking with the boy on her back. He was so heavy that she felt like her waist and knees might fold at any given moment. She could feel the boy gritting his teeth and clenching his arms so hard they were practically twitching in an attempt to swallow back his groans every time she readjusted her grip on him and the pain in his leg grew worse.
Renier felt like he would crush her throat and burst open her lungs when he did that, but she couldn’t exactly tell him to stop either, so she simply gritted her teeth and desperately marched on. Her breath seemed to be burning as she panted for air until she finally started smelling blood.
Just then, she heard an extremely tense voice from behind ask her,
“Wait. You……are you a woman?”
Shit, Renier cursed to herself. How’d he know? The boy had apparently figured it out immediately just by touching her arms a bit, even though she had bound her chest so tightly that it felt like a slab of stone. Gods damnit!
“I am.”
The body on Renier’s back suddenly grew stiff. The boy lost all the composure he’d had earlier and struggled desperately to climb off. Renier sat him down on a nearby rock out of irritation, and the bewildered boy mumbled,
“I-I didn’t know. I would’ve never……had you carry me on your back if I’d known.”
“Why? Then, are you just going to go ahead and start walking on that leg of yours?”
But the boy dawdled for quite some time instead of replying until he finally flinched and said,
“Wait, then are you telling me that you were living with those pieces of trash in the divine stone mines even though you’re a woman? Were you?”
“You’re the first person I’m going to murder if you dare and tell them that I’m a woman.”
“……The others don’t know?”
“No one else knows, and everyone who did know is dead now.”
“Did you kill them?”
He had posed his question so flatly that Renier almost nodded back without thinking. Renier flared up in anger as she shouted back,
“What do you care?! They went ahead and croaked all on their own, so what the hell was I supposed do about it?!”
“I never meant to criticize you. Why are you angry?”
“I’m not angry! I’m not!”
Renier suddenly stopped herself as she yelled. She knew that she shouldn’t be taking her frustrations out on the boy. Renier felt sorry, and her voice withered as she pulled the boy up to his feet by the hand. She said,
“I’ll help you walk if you don’t want me to carry you. Grab my shoulder. And take this, too.”
The boy put one hand over Renier’s shoulder and clung to the makeshift cane that Renier had made for him using a tree branch with the other as he strenuously hobbled along. He clenched his jaw so hard that it began looking like a peach pit and he hissed out a sharp breath of air between gritted teeth every time his injured leg touched the ground, but he refused to let Renier carry him and walked on his own two feet until the bitter end.
His face was so drenched in cold sweat that it looked like he’d been doused in water by the time Renier could finally see the cave entrance.
Renier had him sit for a moment and ran to her secret storage in between some rocks to fetch some wine and two pieces of dried meat. The boy struggled desperately not to pass out as he sat on a rock, and Renier gave him her precious wine and meat without a moment’s hesitation. She even cut up the meat into tiny pieces with her own teeth so it’d be easier for him to eat because it looked like he was having a hard time chewing.
“The meat’s precious, you know? And so is the wine. And I’m giving it to you even though I don’t have much left.”
“So it seems.”
“So it seems? Is that what you Northlanders say to people who give you precious things even though they’re complete strangers?”
“……You have my thanks.”
Renier didn’t know if the beastmen were generally adverse to expressing their gratitude or if it was just this boy, who spoke like an old man, who had a questionable personality. She would’ve cursed at and grown annoyed with him had he been one of the grave robbers, but she decided to swallow back the blunt words she had been about to say because she was so grateful that the rascal had made it this far without dying.
Renier gently placed the pouch of wine on top of the boy’s hand.
“Eat up. You have to eat to get better.”
The boy’s eyes were still covered as he held the wine pouch in his hand. He immediately pulled back when his fingers cautiously brushed against Renier’s. He stared in the direction where Renier was sitting with his eyes covered for quite some time before, in a raspy voice, he said,
“I wish to know your name.”
“Gods……. You’re a stubborn one, aren’t you?”
“If you can’t tell me your name, then will you at least tell me your age? I’m sixteen, and I’ll turn seventeen and have my coming-of-age ceremony after the spring equinox passes.”
……He’s the same age as me?
Renier was momentarily dumbfounded as she stared back at the boy.
Renier had always fervently wanted to have a friend her age. Not the misters or the old men who sniggered and smacked their chops whenever their eyes met hers, not the slave women who always nagged at her and ratted her out so they could vent their frustrations on her, nor the young children whom she’d had to look after, but a friend her age with whom she could share even the heaviest burdens in her heart.
But Renier had never known such a friend in her life. Not even once. To be exact, she’d never had the time to relax and make friends her age because she’d always been so busy running away from people all the time. That was probably how it would always be, all things considered. Renier had been abandoned in a random forest, so she had no parents, siblings, or even any relatives.
Renier began giggling in the lieu of a reply. Sixteen —she had finally met someone her age, but he was a beastman bastard from the Northlands and the only reason she had even met him in the first place was because of the nightmare that had taken place that morning. She was so glad and happy that she thought it might drive her insane.
The boy frowned when he heard Renier laughing and let out a sigh.
“I have no idea what it was that I did wrong this time. Should I not have asked for your age either?”
“You’re just some brat who hasn’t even come of age yet —ha, hahaha— and yet you’re asking a lady how old she is? That’s enough. Go home and suck on your mother’s tits, and then sit on her lap and have her teach you some manners. Okay?”
“…….”
“Why aren’t you saying anything? Don’t ask me any questions about me. Don’t ask me anything! Okay? Got that? Haha, ha…….”
“I understand, so stop crying. I’ll stop asking.”
The boy’s pallid and cold hand passed through the air. Renier knew that he was offering to wipe away her tears, but she ignored him and drew back instead. His hand stayed there for quite some time before he finally dropped it.
Renier abruptly stopped laughing. Then, she belatedly realized that the blindfold over the boy’s eyes was moist with tears.
“Why are you crying?”
“I wasn’t crying. Northlander men don’t cry like little…….”
The suddenly stopped mid-sentence and quickly whipped his head to the side. But he must’ve miscalculated, as the moisture on the blindfold suddenly began to spread. Sniiiff, sniff. He did his best to press down the noises he was making from within, but that wasn’t something that could easily be suppressed by force of will alone. Renier furrowed her brows when she saw the boy’s face crumble and his lips twitch. A dull ache spread through her chest.
“You’re right. I was seeing things. Were you just feeling a little down?”
The boy simply nodded back, unable to reply. Apathetically, Renier asked,
“Will you tell me why you were feeling so down?”
“……I won’t ask you any questions, so you shouldn’t ask me either.”
“I’ll answer you if you answer me.”
“…….”
“I was really sad because you told me that you were sixteen. Is that good enough?”
The boy looked utterly dissatisfied as he turned back to Renier. And so, Renier decided to cite the names of the damned gods once more.
“I’ll swear by all the great gods who decree fate that I seriously meant it when I said that I was really sad because you told me that you were sixteen.”
The boy looked like he couldn’t comprehend her at all, and he looked like he was dying to ask more questions as he shook his head. It was clear as day that he was stubbornly thinking, ‘Why should I have to tell you the truth when you’re obviously lying to me?’
“I…I simply fell into a moment of melancholy because you were crying.”
“Why’re you saying that it’s my fault? Damn it, you know what? —I’ll swear on the name of the great Lady Inanna that I wasn’t lying! You just don’t understand my sadness because you’re dull and incapable of understanding me, got it?”
“…….”
“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to,”
Renier spat out as she pouted.
The boy fell silent and nodded to himself for a long time. He still looked like he couldn’t understand at all, but he didn’t find fault with what Renier had said either because she had sworn on the names of the great gods. The boy looked so honest to a fault that Renier thought that he probably hadn’t even imagined that Renier, who neither believed in nor worshiped the gods, hadn’t meant it when she had sworn on their names.
In a hoarse voice, the boy quietly answered,
“I suddenly thought about my mother.”
Huh? Renier tilted her head to the side. That wasn’t because I told him to go such on his mother’s tits, was it? The boy reluctantly elucidated,
“My mother and father passed away before my very eyes three days ago. ……I wasn’t able to save them.”
Oh, shoot.
“She grew angry and screamed at me, asking why I’d only come now and why I wasn’t leaving. That ended up being the last things she ever said to me. I wasn’t even able to say thank you……. I was trying to forget, and I only remembered because you were crying. I never meant to blame you.”
The boy lowered his head and clenched his hand into a fist on top of his knee. Moisture spread across the blindfold once more.
Renier reached out and was about to touch his eyes before she hesitated. She wanted to offer him warm words of consolation or ask him about what had happened and why, but she felt like his tears would begin spilling out from the already drenched blindfold if she did. He was already having such a hard time holding himself back, and she didn’t want to see him suffering even more.
And so, instead of gently touching the boy’s eyes, she grabbed his face tightly by the cheeks and purposefully made it sound like she was pouting as she said to him,
“Yeah, and so what? You’ll end up having a touching reunion with your mom and dad before Lady Ereshkigal by the end of the day if you don’t get your act together and stop whining. I’m sure they’ll like that a whole lot!”
Renier squeezed his cheeks tighter as she fumed at him. It was getting harder for her to look at the soaked blindfold. She continued,
“I don’t have a mom and dad either. Well, I did at one point, but I don’t even know what they looked like because they left their own daughter in the middle of the woods for the beasts to feast on! And then I got myself sold off all over the place from one nasty person to the next. I’m much more pitiful than you, okay?! So stop whining. Got it?”
Renier said whatever came to her mind, and she didn’t know whether she was trying to console the boy or simply saying things out of self-pity. Then, she lowered her voice and muttered,
“……Thing’s aren’t going to get any worse for you than they are now. So…….”
Something suddenly touched her cheeks just then. It was the boy’s fingers, which were covered in dried blood.
“Enough. I’m all right now.”
His cold fingers slowly began caressing Renier’s wet cheeks. Renier scowled heavily. The rascal wasn’t reacting the way she had anticipated he would. The boy continued,
“I don’t know your n-name, and I don’t know w-what to say either, but……in any event, I will never forget this.”
Renier was absolutely convinced that the rascal had never learned how to read a room properly. She fumed about how he had never learned how to respond properly despite already being sixteen and cried for a very long time.
Before they entered the cave, Renier instructed the boy,
“Keep your mouth, eyes, and ears shut and stay quietly in a corner when we get to the cave. Play along with my story that you got stranded while trying to mine some divine stones in the Whitesalt Mountains, and just lie down in a corner of the cave, eat the food I give you, and get better. Okay?”
“Will you release me as soon as I recover?”
Renier paused. I’m willing to save his life, but will I send him back too? I haven’t thought that far yet.
“I don’t know yet.”
“Are you planning to trap me inside that cave forever? I need to return home. There is something I must do.”
“Yes, of course —just like how the grave robbers here have to go home too. And how they have things that they must do too,”
Renier grumbled. Then, she added,
“Who’s going to guarantee that you won’t try to get back at me? To put it more bluntly, how do I know you won’t come back with people from Salt City to kill me later?”
“You…….”
The boy looked like he’d just heard something preposterous and stuttered with his jaw agape for a moment before he continued,
“Is it common for people to murder their saviors in the Southlands or the West? I owe you my life, and I will repay this debt without fail.”
“What? And you expect me to believe it when a Northlander tells me that he’s going to repay his debt? Aren’t you people from Salt City the descendants of the man-eating eagle who ate the mother of his own children?”
Renier huffed in the boy’s face. When Southlanders insulted others by calling them ‘Northlanders’ or ‘beastmen,’ they were also implicitly calling them ‘ingrates’ and ‘traitors.’ This was because, according to the legends, the ancestor of the Salt Mountain Tribe was a man-eating eagle who had eaten Armanu, the goddess of the Golden Forest and the mother of his children. The boy shouted back,
“Where did you hear that nonsense?! The people of Salt City do no such thing!”
Renier was about to retort, “Anyone can say anything,” but she stopped herself. The boy looked truly offended. He looked enraged as he grumbled,
“I’m not one to make many promises…….”
“Hmm?”
“But I have never gone back on my word once I’ve given it.”
“Oh…….”
The boy’s manner of speech still sounded old-fashioned and he was so absurdly sincere that it made him sound ridiculous, but strangely enough, it also made Renier want to trust him.
But she wasn’t about to simply let his sincerity persuade her either. She had witnessed an endless stream of betrayal, fraud, and murder during her three years in the divine stone mines. And she had already experienced more than her fair share of betrayals and other horrible things. Renier knew best that humans were less trustworthy than even beasts or insects.
“That’s big talk from someone who’s on death’s door. Sure, whatever. Let’s say that you really will repay your debt. How are you planning on doing that? Are you going to give me your life if I ask for it?”
“……It was you who gave me my life, so I shall return it to you whenever you ask it of me.”
Renier was dumbstruck by the boy’s unhesitant reply. Then, she raged,
“Wow, what the fuck?! I’m going out of my way here to save your life, but now you’re just going to throw it away? Are you trying to drive me insane?”
“I don’t understand you. Why are you angry at me for saying that I’m willing to return to you what you gave me should you ask for it? I am willing to give you back my life whenever you ask it of me.”
“You know what? —that’s enough. I’ve no use for a Northlander’s life. It sucks that it’s hard enough just trying to make it through every day, so why do I have to be responsible for someone else’s life too?”
The boy stopped talking and frowned for a moment before, in a heavy voice, he asked,
“……Do you not wish to live?”
“I really don’t. I wish a rock the size of a person would just fall on my head while I’m fast asleep. That way, I can die instantly without feeling the pain.”
A long stretch of silence fell between Renier and the boy. Then, Renier grouchily said,
“Sure, whatever —if you really insist on repaying your debt, then I want you to listen to just one wish of mine.”
“I would listen to ten of your wishes, so long as they are within my capacity to fulfill.”
“Hey, I said that’s enough. I don’t need ten or even a hundred wishes fulfilled —I just need one. My wish…”
Renier felt her insides churning. The words that she had been stuffing back inside her had finally found the opportunity to break free and were surging up her throat. Her voice quivered ever so slightly as she said,
“…Is for you to live a very, very long life. I’ll kill you myself if you drop dead immediately after I’ve gone out of my way to save you. Live until you’re a hundred years old. Actually, a hundred years isn’t long enough. Live until you’re a hundred fifty —or at least five times as long as most people. You got that? Five times.”
The boy looked dumbfounded.
“Why five times, of all things?”
“Stop asking me to explain everything! Just tell me whether you’ll make my wish come true or not!”
“……I-I cannot. I am sorry.”
“Ugh, seriously?! Can’t you just say yes or whatever and move on? —it’s not like I’m actually going to check to make sure you live until you’re a hundred fifty years old or anything! That way, you can just forget about repaying your debt or whatever and go home with no strings attached!”
But the boy seemed disinclined to do that, and he shook his head and said,
“I’ll endeavor to do my best. But I will not make you a promise that I cannot be sure I can keep. So, state another wish.”
Renier looked up at the stubborn boy’s stubbornly honest face. She couldn’t help but start giggling when she saw how sincere he was. Five times as long as most people, huh? Renier, you lazy wench, is it really too much for you to save five lives?
But things would still be ridiculous even if I did manage to save five lives. Do you seriously believe that it will erase everything I’ve done?
“Fine. I can’t help it if you say no. Let’s go with something else, then.”
Renier recalled the large and heavy axe the boy had been carrying. There had been dried blood on it. Renier had barely managed to pick it up with two hands, but the boy had easily tossed it aside with just one. Renier hesitated for a moment before she asked,
“Are you……good at hunting?”
“I am. I hunted a sabretooth tiger alone when I was ten, and I’ve never once been bested by any beast or predatory bird of the Whitesalt Mountains. I can hunt you any creature that you wish.”
“I’m pretty decent at hunting too. And I don’t need any creatures. Have you ever killed a person before?”
“I have. Is there someone you want dead, perchance?”
the boy asked ever so calmly. Renier looked down at her toes in silence instead of answering. Flatly, the boy continued,
“I am the greatest warrior of the Salt Mountain Tribe. I have never been afraid or hesitant to cut down a person for the sake of defending the honor and lives of my family and tribe. Whom do you wish for me to kill, and for what reason?”
“Is the reason important?”
“You can never undo the act of taking another’s life. And so, there must be an appropriate reason to do so.”
“And who gets to decide whether a reason’s appropriate or not?”
“I do.”
Renier looked quietly back at the boy who was the same age as her. They clearly lived in different worlds, but they felt even more different than Renier had initially believed. He had replied ever so calmly when he had said, “I do.” Just how many people in the world were capable of answering with so much certainty and without any regard for the blessings or curses or the gods?
Would this child believe that the men from earlier had died for ‘an appropriate reason?’
Slowly, Renier said,
“If I ever come to find you later, a long, long time from now…….”
So, by the time I’ve saved all five lives, suffered the same as all the people I’ve hurt until now, and I’ve balanced the scales before the eyes of that whimsical goddess and all the other gods, and by the time I’ll be able to look up at Lady Ereshkigal and speak to her with my head held high even after’s I’ve been dragged before her…
“Will you kill me in one single blow? Don’t ask me why, and make it quick enough that I won’t feel any pain as I die.”
The boy’s face crumbled yet again. It was only a long time later that he quietly asked,
“……Why?”
He always had to ask for an explanation —it was like he refused to simply let go of anything he didn’t understand. Renier was tired of telling his to stop asking why. She returned to being sullen as she retorted,
“Because it’s too difficult to die after getting hit on the head by a large rock. And I want to die painlessly, without having to be afraid, and without having to know that I’m actually dying.”
The bewilderment on the boy’s face only grew deeper. He clutched his wound and let out a long breath —was it a groan or a sigh?— before he shook his head yet again.
“I will not.”
“……Hmph. I knew you’d say that. You’re saying no to everything. Why did you even ask me to tell you what my wish is to begin with?”
“I cannot slay my life’s savior with my own two hands. Pray state another wish.”
“Did I ever ask you to repay your debt? I’m telling you that you don’t need to,”
Renier grumbled before she abruptly shut her mouth. She had suddenly thought of something that she could ask him to do. It was such an appropriate request that it left a bitter taste in her mouth. She said,
“Fine. In that case, listen to just this one request of mine. ……It shouldn’t be too hard.”
Those five men wouldn’t have died…….
Renier bit her lips as she thought. Yeah. They wouldn’t have died. They wouldn’t have died if I’d just submitted to the disgusting blessing that Goddess Inanna gave me. If I’d just let them have their way with me and satisfied their lust instead of frantically fighting back.
……Then, those vile men back in the Southlands never would’ve gotten hurt, I never would’ve been sold off to the Golden Forest, and I never would’ve become a runaway slave. I would’ve gotten married to a suitable slave in the Southlands, had lots of children, and lived the rest of my life quietly. I might’ve even become the rich fisherman’s mistress and gotten to drink milk with honey every morning.
If only Renier had simply surrendered herself to Goddess Inanna’s blessing, that is.
“Once you’ve fully recovered…….”
The questions that she forced herself to bury came back to her like a cataract. No, like a tsunami. Was I supposed to just stay still and let them have their way with me? Five people died. They didn’t need to die. I never meant to kill them. If I didn’t fight back and try to run away, if I’d simply let them rape me…
But I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to. But, was it right for others to die just because I didn’t want to? Do I have to pay the price for that now? Can I even pay it to begin with? Renier’s mind was in such chaos that she thought she might lose her mind.
Renier wrapped the wish circling inside her mouth around her tongue and moistened her lips. Her throat hurt so much that it felt like she was ripping it open with an arrowhead.
Do I just want to be punished? Or am I just trying to make myself feel better? Isn’t it better to ask a person or a beast to punish me than to be punished by the gods? People are more merciful than the gods are, and beasts are more merciful than people are, aren’t they? Renier grew more melancholy the longer she continued thinking.
“I want you…….”
Tears fell from her eyes, and her throat slowly began to close up. The boy was constantly scowling and breathing hard —perhaps his wound was hurting—, but he waited patiently for Renier to answer him with a solemn look on his face. Renier’s voice seemed to stick to itself as she finished,
“……To rape me.”
It hadn’t been difficult for Renier to figure out where the whistling was coming from. There was a forest of cedars far beneath the cave where Renier hunted often, and a trail of bright red blood had been left over the white cover of snow. Neither the people of the Southlands nor the people of the Northlands visited this region often because it was the boundary between Rock Mountain and Salt Mountain.
A large boy was hiding in the rocky mountains under a makeshift shelter he had made from branches in order to block out the wind. The boy had already lost consciousness by the time Renier found him.
It only took Renier one look to realize that the boy was a Northlander, the people who were also called beastmen. For starters, his appearance was starkly different from that of the Southlanders that Renier was so accustomed to seeing. He was very large, he had hair all over his limbs and even on the back of his hand, and his mud-colored hair was as tangled as an overgrown field of weeds.
But the boy still looked human, unlike what Renier had always imagined. He even looked fairly young, considering the roundness of his slightly freckled visage.
Renier studied the unconscious boy for quite a long time. She was a little afraid because she had always been told that the Northlanders were half-beast half-human beastmen who were the descendants of a man-eating beast, but the boy didn’t look much different from other humans, he was wearing proper clothes and shoes, and he was even carrying a weapon. There was no way that a beast would make shoes for himself, much less put them on.
Still, Renier couldn’t help but be impressed. Had he really survived for several days while also sending out distress signals despite having lost so much blood?
The boy was alive, but he was in grave condition. A bronze spear was lodged deeply inside his thigh, and the flesh immediately surrounding the wound had turned blue —though Renier didn’t know if this was because the spear tip had been poisoned or because of frostbite.
In any event, the boy would only die immediately if Renier tried to pull the spear out right now because she would neither be able to stop the bleeding nor give him proper treatment. Actually, it was probably more likely that the pain would kill him first. Renier couldn’t help but wonder how the boy was even still alive right now.
Renier covered the boy’s eyes and bound his hands tightly in front of him first before she poured some of her precious wine into his mouth. Then, she began slapping him hard across the face.
“U……. Ugh!”
He only began groaning after Renier had slapped his face red. He tried to look around wildly at first, after having realized that he was blindfolded and his hands were bound, but he didn’t try to struggle. It seemed like he didn’t have any energy left in his body. Instead, he took a shaky breath and began to ask question after question.
“Who are you? D-did you……save me? Which mountain tribe do you hail from? And……why have you covered my eyes? And my hands?”
The boy’s manner of speech sounded weird and funny to Renier and made him sound like an old man, but Renier had no way of knowing if this was simply how the Northlanders spoke or if the boy had a special manner of speech. She had never heard a Northlander speak, after all.
“I tied up your hands because I didn’t want you to take off the blindfold. I’ll untie them if you promise me that you’ll keep the blindfold on. Be warned that I’m just going to up and leave if you take it off.”
“Pray tell me why you’ve covered my eyes first.”
The boy’s quiet and raspy voice sounded incredibly melancholy, but it also sounded scarily composed.
“Hear me out first. You’re going to die within the day if I don’t save you right now. You probably know this too, but no one knows if it’ll be another week or ten days until this storm blows over.”
“…….”
“You’re probably from Salt Mountain, judging by how you were whistling, but no one else will come to help you even if you keep whistling for a hundred more days. Your whistle won’t travel even a single league in this weather. You obviously won’t be heard by anyone in Salt City, and no one from your tribe will come to rescue you either.”
“I’m aware of all that too. I kept sending signals anyway because I had to do anything that I could to keep living. And, here you are.”
You would’ve frozen to death here if those five bastards hadn’t died this morning and they had their way with me. Renier smiled wryly.
“The cave that I’ve been staying at isn’t too far from here. I’ve stashed some medicinal wine that I’ve made there, there’s a fire, and there won’t be any wild animals nearby because there are too many people. You might be able to make it if you manage to hold out for a little longer.”
“A cave?”
“Yeah. A cave. But I can’t let a Northlander know where the cave is, and I can’t let you see the faces of the people living there either. And I’ll be beaten to death too if they find out that I saved a Northlander’s life. That’s why I covered your eyes.”
“Are you one of the grave robbers in the divine stone mines?”
The boy’s voice suddenly turned frigid. Renier flinched before she pouted and said,
“It’s true that I’ve been hiding in the mines, but I couldn’t care any less about the divine stones. I’ve never dug up a single pebble. I’m already busy enough trying to hunt and eat.”
“…….”
“You don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to. But I swear on the names of the great Enlil, Enki, Utu, Nanna, and Ninhursag that I’ve never touched a divine stone in my life —not even a piece as small as an eyelash.”
The boy’s expression mellowed when Renier swore by the first gods that came to her mind. He steadied his breathing to endure the pain for a while before he managed to reply,
“I believe you. You didn’t dig up any divine stones.”
“Hmph, am I supposed to be grateful and throw myself at your feet just because you believe me? Are you Northlanders not taught what you’re supposed to say in times like this?”
Renier retorted disgruntledly because her mood had only soured more when it had already been at rock-bottom. It was only then that the boy finally grew flustered and said,
“……I apologize for being late in conveying my gratitude. I owe you a huge debt of grace. I am Kuhn of Salt City, son of Huwatu and Kahala. What is your name? Where are you from? Who is your father?”
“Are you insane? Why the hell would you ask me that when you know I’m working my ass off trying not to get caught by you Northlanders?”
“…….”
“Anyway, you’re absolutely not allowed to see anything until I tell you that it’s okay to take off your blindfold. I’ll help you as long as you promise me you won’t.”
The boy furrowed his brow for a moment as he fell into thought.
“I wish to know why you’re helping me despite saying that your own life may be in danger if you do.”
Renier suddenly grew annoyed. How am I supposed to explain that? My throat closes up and I feel like I want to die whenever I think about ‘why.’ She had no choice but to forcefully quash his question.
“Why do you keep prattling on and on about everything when I’m telling you that I’m going to help you? You know what?! I’m helping you just because I want to!”
“I want to trust you. That’s why I wish to know the reasoning behind your incomprehensible actions,”
the boy quipped back slowly but stubbornly.
Renier had no idea why this big buffoon only kept asking one question after another when he could’ve simply said thank you and quietly let her carry him away. Still, she was surprised by how rational and cautious the beastman was now that she had finally met one. Renier hesitated for a moment before she quietly said,
“I never would’ve helped the likes of a Northlander like you under any normal circumstances.”
“Then, why are you helping me?”
Renier stood silently in place for quite some time because she didn’t know how to answer. She recalled the corpses whose limbs had bent in strange places after falling down the cliff. A cry rushed up from deep within before she knew it, and her eyes grew moist with fresh tears. She tried her best to blink them away, but the teardrops fell from her eyes before she could stop them and audibly dripped down to her feet.
The boy waited with his head lowered for a while before he quietly said,
“Don’t cry.”
“…….”
“I apologize if I asked you something I shouldn’t have. I’ll just make you a promise.”
“Hmph……shit, well thanks, I guess.”
“You have my word that I will not undo my blindfold until you permit it. I won’t see anything. I’ll do whatever it is that you tell me to. You swore to me upon the names of the great gods, so I’ll also make you this promise on the name of Lord Utu, the god of the sun whom I believe in,”
said the boy named Kuhn in a quiet yet calm voice.
Renier gave the boy the rest of the fruit wine that she had been saving. Fruit wine was often used as medicine or emergency rations because it was both nutritious and also helped warm up the body.
The boy was still blindfolded as Renier just barely managed to help him to his feet. He flinched and groaned whenever his left leg, the one that had been stabbed by the spear, touched the ground. Renier nearly fell over when she tried to carry him on her back. The boy was much bigger than her, and he was also rather heavy.
“Ditch the axe. It’s heavy.”
“……Urtur (puppy) is like a part of my own body.”
Seriously? Puppy? Are you kidding me right now? You gave your axe a cutesy name like that? And that’s why you can’t bear to throw it away?
“Hey! You’re fucking heavy enough as it is, okay?! Can’t you see my legs shaking under your weight right now? Oh, wait, I guess you can’t. But anyway, ditch it! You promised me that you’d do whatever I tell you. Are you going back on your word already?”
“……I merely forgot for a moment. I’ll cast it aside.”
The boy flung the bloodied axe that had been hanging at his waist to the ground. He had probably meant it when he said his axe was like a part of his own body, considering how much hesitation Renier could feel from him.
Renier trembled as she began walking with the boy on her back. He was so heavy that she felt like her waist and knees might fold at any given moment. She could feel the boy gritting his teeth and clenching his arms so hard they were practically twitching in an attempt to swallow back his groans every time she readjusted her grip on him and the pain in his leg grew worse.
Renier felt like he would crush her throat and burst open her lungs when he did that, but she couldn’t exactly tell him to stop either, so she simply gritted her teeth and desperately marched on. Her breath seemed to be burning as she panted for air until she finally started smelling blood.
Just then, she heard an extremely tense voice from behind ask her,
“Wait. You……are you a woman?”
Shit, Renier cursed to herself. How’d he know? The boy had apparently figured it out immediately just by touching her arms a bit, even though she had bound her chest so tightly that it felt like a slab of stone. Gods damnit!
“I am.”
The body on Renier’s back suddenly grew stiff. The boy lost all the composure he’d had earlier and struggled desperately to climb off. Renier sat him down on a nearby rock out of irritation, and the bewildered boy mumbled,
“I-I didn’t know. I would’ve never……had you carry me on your back if I’d known.”
“Why? Then, are you just going to go ahead and start walking on that leg of yours?”
But the boy dawdled for quite some time instead of replying until he finally flinched and said,
“Wait, then are you telling me that you were living with those pieces of trash in the divine stone mines even though you’re a woman? Were you?”
“You’re the first person I’m going to murder if you dare and tell them that I’m a woman.”
“……The others don’t know?”
“No one else knows, and everyone who did know is dead now.”
“Did you kill them?”
He had posed his question so flatly that Renier almost nodded back without thinking. Renier flared up in anger as she shouted back,
“What do you care?! They went ahead and croaked all on their own, so what the hell was I supposed do about it?!”
“I never meant to criticize you. Why are you angry?”
“I’m not angry! I’m not!”
Renier suddenly stopped herself as she yelled. She knew that she shouldn’t be taking her frustrations out on the boy. Renier felt sorry, and her voice withered as she pulled the boy up to his feet by the hand. She said,
“I’ll help you walk if you don’t want me to carry you. Grab my shoulder. And take this, too.”
The boy put one hand over Renier’s shoulder and clung to the makeshift cane that Renier had made for him using a tree branch with the other as he strenuously hobbled along. He clenched his jaw so hard that it began looking like a peach pit and he hissed out a sharp breath of air between gritted teeth every time his injured leg touched the ground, but he refused to let Renier carry him and walked on his own two feet until the bitter end.
His face was so drenched in cold sweat that it looked like he’d been doused in water by the time Renier could finally see the cave entrance.
Renier had him sit for a moment and ran to her secret storage in between some rocks to fetch some wine and two pieces of dried meat. The boy struggled desperately not to pass out as he sat on a rock, and Renier gave him her precious wine and meat without a moment’s hesitation. She even cut up the meat into tiny pieces with her own teeth so it’d be easier for him to eat because it looked like he was having a hard time chewing.
“The meat’s precious, you know? And so is the wine. And I’m giving it to you even though I don’t have much left.”
“So it seems.”
“So it seems? Is that what you Northlanders say to people who give you precious things even though they’re complete strangers?”
“……You have my thanks.”
Renier didn’t know if the beastmen were generally adverse to expressing their gratitude or if it was just this boy, who spoke like an old man, who had a questionable personality. She would’ve cursed at and grown annoyed with him had he been one of the grave robbers, but she decided to swallow back the blunt words she had been about to say because she was so grateful that the rascal had made it this far without dying.
Renier gently placed the pouch of wine on top of the boy’s hand.
“Eat up. You have to eat to get better.”
The boy’s eyes were still covered as he held the wine pouch in his hand. He immediately pulled back when his fingers cautiously brushed against Renier’s. He stared in the direction where Renier was sitting with his eyes covered for quite some time before, in a raspy voice, he said,
“I wish to know your name.”
“Gods……. You’re a stubborn one, aren’t you?”
“If you can’t tell me your name, then will you at least tell me your age? I’m sixteen, and I’ll turn seventeen and have my coming-of-age ceremony after the spring equinox passes.”
……He’s the same age as me?
Renier was momentarily dumbfounded as she stared back at the boy.
Renier had always fervently wanted to have a friend her age. Not the misters or the old men who sniggered and smacked their chops whenever their eyes met hers, not the slave women who always nagged at her and ratted her out so they could vent their frustrations on her, nor the young children whom she’d had to look after, but a friend her age with whom she could share even the heaviest burdens in her heart.
But Renier had never known such a friend in her life. Not even once. To be exact, she’d never had the time to relax and make friends her age because she’d always been so busy running away from people all the time. That was probably how it would always be, all things considered. Renier had been abandoned in a random forest, so she had no parents, siblings, or even any relatives.
Renier began giggling in the lieu of a reply. Sixteen —she had finally met someone her age, but he was a beastman bastard from the Northlands and the only reason she had even met him in the first place was because of the nightmare that had taken place that morning. She was so glad and happy that she thought it might drive her insane.
The boy frowned when he heard Renier laughing and let out a sigh.
“I have no idea what it was that I did wrong this time. Should I not have asked for your age either?”
“You’re just some brat who hasn’t even come of age yet —ha, hahaha— and yet you’re asking a lady how old she is? That’s enough. Go home and suck on your mother’s tits, and then sit on her lap and have her teach you some manners. Okay?”
“…….”
“Why aren’t you saying anything? Don’t ask me any questions about me. Don’t ask me anything! Okay? Got that? Haha, ha…….”
“I understand, so stop crying. I’ll stop asking.”
The boy’s pallid and cold hand passed through the air. Renier knew that he was offering to wipe away her tears, but she ignored him and drew back instead. His hand stayed there for quite some time before he finally dropped it.
Renier abruptly stopped laughing. Then, she belatedly realized that the blindfold over the boy’s eyes was moist with tears.
“Why are you crying?”
“I wasn’t crying. Northlander men don’t cry like little…….”
The suddenly stopped mid-sentence and quickly whipped his head to the side. But he must’ve miscalculated, as the moisture on the blindfold suddenly began to spread. Sniiiff, sniff. He did his best to press down the noises he was making from within, but that wasn’t something that could easily be suppressed by force of will alone. Renier furrowed her brows when she saw the boy’s face crumble and his lips twitch. A dull ache spread through her chest.
“You’re right. I was seeing things. Were you just feeling a little down?”
The boy simply nodded back, unable to reply. Apathetically, Renier asked,
“Will you tell me why you were feeling so down?”
“……I won’t ask you any questions, so you shouldn’t ask me either.”
“I’ll answer you if you answer me.”
“…….”
“I was really sad because you told me that you were sixteen. Is that good enough?”
The boy looked utterly dissatisfied as he turned back to Renier. And so, Renier decided to cite the names of the damned gods once more.
“I’ll swear by all the great gods who decree fate that I seriously meant it when I said that I was really sad because you told me that you were sixteen.”
The boy looked like he couldn’t comprehend her at all, and he looked like he was dying to ask more questions as he shook his head. It was clear as day that he was stubbornly thinking, ‘Why should I have to tell you the truth when you’re obviously lying to me?’
“I…I simply fell into a moment of melancholy because you were crying.”
“Why’re you saying that it’s my fault? Damn it, you know what? —I’ll swear on the name of the great Lady Inanna that I wasn’t lying! You just don’t understand my sadness because you’re dull and incapable of understanding me, got it?”
“…….”
“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to,”
Renier spat out as she pouted.
The boy fell silent and nodded to himself for a long time. He still looked like he couldn’t understand at all, but he didn’t find fault with what Renier had said either because she had sworn on the names of the great gods. The boy looked so honest to a fault that Renier thought that he probably hadn’t even imagined that Renier, who neither believed in nor worshiped the gods, hadn’t meant it when she had sworn on their names.
In a hoarse voice, the boy quietly answered,
“I suddenly thought about my mother.”
Huh? Renier tilted her head to the side. That wasn’t because I told him to go such on his mother’s tits, was it? The boy reluctantly elucidated,
“My mother and father passed away before my very eyes three days ago. ……I wasn’t able to save them.”
Oh, shoot.
“She grew angry and screamed at me, asking why I’d only come now and why I wasn’t leaving. That ended up being the last things she ever said to me. I wasn’t even able to say thank you……. I was trying to forget, and I only remembered because you were crying. I never meant to blame you.”
The boy lowered his head and clenched his hand into a fist on top of his knee. Moisture spread across the blindfold once more.
Renier reached out and was about to touch his eyes before she hesitated. She wanted to offer him warm words of consolation or ask him about what had happened and why, but she felt like his tears would begin spilling out from the already drenched blindfold if she did. He was already having such a hard time holding himself back, and she didn’t want to see him suffering even more.
And so, instead of gently touching the boy’s eyes, she grabbed his face tightly by the cheeks and purposefully made it sound like she was pouting as she said to him,
“Yeah, and so what? You’ll end up having a touching reunion with your mom and dad before Lady Ereshkigal by the end of the day if you don’t get your act together and stop whining. I’m sure they’ll like that a whole lot!”
Renier squeezed his cheeks tighter as she fumed at him. It was getting harder for her to look at the soaked blindfold. She continued,
“I don’t have a mom and dad either. Well, I did at one point, but I don’t even know what they looked like because they left their own daughter in the middle of the woods for the beasts to feast on! And then I got myself sold off all over the place from one nasty person to the next. I’m much more pitiful than you, okay?! So stop whining. Got it?”
Renier said whatever came to her mind, and she didn’t know whether she was trying to console the boy or simply saying things out of self-pity. Then, she lowered her voice and muttered,
“……Thing’s aren’t going to get any worse for you than they are now. So…….”
Something suddenly touched her cheeks just then. It was the boy’s fingers, which were covered in dried blood.
“Enough. I’m all right now.”
His cold fingers slowly began caressing Renier’s wet cheeks. Renier scowled heavily. The rascal wasn’t reacting the way she had anticipated he would. The boy continued,
“I don’t know your n-name, and I don’t know w-what to say either, but……in any event, I will never forget this.”
Renier was absolutely convinced that the rascal had never learned how to read a room properly. She fumed about how he had never learned how to respond properly despite already being sixteen and cried for a very long time.
Before they entered the cave, Renier instructed the boy,
“Keep your mouth, eyes, and ears shut and stay quietly in a corner when we get to the cave. Play along with my story that you got stranded while trying to mine some divine stones in the Whitesalt Mountains, and just lie down in a corner of the cave, eat the food I give you, and get better. Okay?”
“Will you release me as soon as I recover?”
Renier paused. I’m willing to save his life, but will I send him back too? I haven’t thought that far yet.
“I don’t know yet.”
“Are you planning to trap me inside that cave forever? I need to return home. There is something I must do.”
“Yes, of course —just like how the grave robbers here have to go home too. And how they have things that they must do too,”
Renier grumbled. Then, she added,
“Who’s going to guarantee that you won’t try to get back at me? To put it more bluntly, how do I know you won’t come back with people from Salt City to kill me later?”
“You…….”
The boy looked like he’d just heard something preposterous and stuttered with his jaw agape for a moment before he continued,
“Is it common for people to murder their saviors in the Southlands or the West? I owe you my life, and I will repay this debt without fail.”
“What? And you expect me to believe it when a Northlander tells me that he’s going to repay his debt? Aren’t you people from Salt City the descendants of the man-eating eagle who ate the mother of his own children?”
Renier huffed in the boy’s face. When Southlanders insulted others by calling them ‘Northlanders’ or ‘beastmen,’ they were also implicitly calling them ‘ingrates’ and ‘traitors.’ This was because, according to the legends, the ancestor of the Salt Mountain Tribe was a man-eating eagle who had eaten Armanu, the goddess of the Golden Forest and the mother of his children. The boy shouted back,
“Where did you hear that nonsense?! The people of Salt City do no such thing!”
Renier was about to retort, “Anyone can say anything,” but she stopped herself. The boy looked truly offended. He looked enraged as he grumbled,
“I’m not one to make many promises…….”
“Hmm?”
“But I have never gone back on my word once I’ve given it.”
“Oh…….”
The boy’s manner of speech still sounded old-fashioned and he was so absurdly sincere that it made him sound ridiculous, but strangely enough, it also made Renier want to trust him.
But she wasn’t about to simply let his sincerity persuade her either. She had witnessed an endless stream of betrayal, fraud, and murder during her three years in the divine stone mines. And she had already experienced more than her fair share of betrayals and other horrible things. Renier knew best that humans were less trustworthy than even beasts or insects.
“That’s big talk from someone who’s on death’s door. Sure, whatever. Let’s say that you really will repay your debt. How are you planning on doing that? Are you going to give me your life if I ask for it?”
“……It was you who gave me my life, so I shall return it to you whenever you ask it of me.”
Renier was dumbstruck by the boy’s unhesitant reply. Then, she raged,
“Wow, what the fuck?! I’m going out of my way here to save your life, but now you’re just going to throw it away? Are you trying to drive me insane?”
“I don’t understand you. Why are you angry at me for saying that I’m willing to return to you what you gave me should you ask for it? I am willing to give you back my life whenever you ask it of me.”
“You know what? —that’s enough. I’ve no use for a Northlander’s life. It sucks that it’s hard enough just trying to make it through every day, so why do I have to be responsible for someone else’s life too?”
The boy stopped talking and frowned for a moment before, in a heavy voice, he asked,
“……Do you not wish to live?”
“I really don’t. I wish a rock the size of a person would just fall on my head while I’m fast asleep. That way, I can die instantly without feeling the pain.”
A long stretch of silence fell between Renier and the boy. Then, Renier grouchily said,
“Sure, whatever —if you really insist on repaying your debt, then I want you to listen to just one wish of mine.”
“I would listen to ten of your wishes, so long as they are within my capacity to fulfill.”
“Hey, I said that’s enough. I don’t need ten or even a hundred wishes fulfilled —I just need one. My wish…”
Renier felt her insides churning. The words that she had been stuffing back inside her had finally found the opportunity to break free and were surging up her throat. Her voice quivered ever so slightly as she said,
“…Is for you to live a very, very long life. I’ll kill you myself if you drop dead immediately after I’ve gone out of my way to save you. Live until you’re a hundred years old. Actually, a hundred years isn’t long enough. Live until you’re a hundred fifty —or at least five times as long as most people. You got that? Five times.”
The boy looked dumbfounded.
“Why five times, of all things?”
“Stop asking me to explain everything! Just tell me whether you’ll make my wish come true or not!”
“……I-I cannot. I am sorry.”
“Ugh, seriously?! Can’t you just say yes or whatever and move on? —it’s not like I’m actually going to check to make sure you live until you’re a hundred fifty years old or anything! That way, you can just forget about repaying your debt or whatever and go home with no strings attached!”
But the boy seemed disinclined to do that, and he shook his head and said,
“I’ll endeavor to do my best. But I will not make you a promise that I cannot be sure I can keep. So, state another wish.”
Renier looked up at the stubborn boy’s stubbornly honest face. She couldn’t help but start giggling when she saw how sincere he was. Five times as long as most people, huh? Renier, you lazy wench, is it really too much for you to save five lives?
But things would still be ridiculous even if I did manage to save five lives. Do you seriously believe that it will erase everything I’ve done?
“Fine. I can’t help it if you say no. Let’s go with something else, then.”
Renier recalled the large and heavy axe the boy had been carrying. There had been dried blood on it. Renier had barely managed to pick it up with two hands, but the boy had easily tossed it aside with just one. Renier hesitated for a moment before she asked,
“Are you……good at hunting?”
“I am. I hunted a sabretooth tiger alone when I was ten, and I’ve never once been bested by any beast or predatory bird of the Whitesalt Mountains. I can hunt you any creature that you wish.”
“I’m pretty decent at hunting too. And I don’t need any creatures. Have you ever killed a person before?”
“I have. Is there someone you want dead, perchance?”
the boy asked ever so calmly. Renier looked down at her toes in silence instead of answering. Flatly, the boy continued,
“I am the greatest warrior of the Salt Mountain Tribe. I have never been afraid or hesitant to cut down a person for the sake of defending the honor and lives of my family and tribe. Whom do you wish for me to kill, and for what reason?”
“Is the reason important?”
“You can never undo the act of taking another’s life. And so, there must be an appropriate reason to do so.”
“And who gets to decide whether a reason’s appropriate or not?”
“I do.”
Renier looked quietly back at the boy who was the same age as her. They clearly lived in different worlds, but they felt even more different than Renier had initially believed. He had replied ever so calmly when he had said, “I do.” Just how many people in the world were capable of answering with so much certainty and without any regard for the blessings or curses or the gods?
Would this child believe that the men from earlier had died for ‘an appropriate reason?’
Slowly, Renier said,
“If I ever come to find you later, a long, long time from now…….”
So, by the time I’ve saved all five lives, suffered the same as all the people I’ve hurt until now, and I’ve balanced the scales before the eyes of that whimsical goddess and all the other gods, and by the time I’ll be able to look up at Lady Ereshkigal and speak to her with my head held high even after’s I’ve been dragged before her…
“Will you kill me in one single blow? Don’t ask me why, and make it quick enough that I won’t feel any pain as I die.”
The boy’s face crumbled yet again. It was only a long time later that he quietly asked,
“……Why?”
He always had to ask for an explanation —it was like he refused to simply let go of anything he didn’t understand. Renier was tired of telling his to stop asking why. She returned to being sullen as she retorted,
“Because it’s too difficult to die after getting hit on the head by a large rock. And I want to die painlessly, without having to be afraid, and without having to know that I’m actually dying.”
The bewilderment on the boy’s face only grew deeper. He clutched his wound and let out a long breath —was it a groan or a sigh?— before he shook his head yet again.
“I will not.”
“……Hmph. I knew you’d say that. You’re saying no to everything. Why did you even ask me to tell you what my wish is to begin with?”
“I cannot slay my life’s savior with my own two hands. Pray state another wish.”
“Did I ever ask you to repay your debt? I’m telling you that you don’t need to,”
Renier grumbled before she abruptly shut her mouth. She had suddenly thought of something that she could ask him to do. It was such an appropriate request that it left a bitter taste in her mouth. She said,
“Fine. In that case, listen to just this one request of mine. ……It shouldn’t be too hard.”
Those five men wouldn’t have died…….
Renier bit her lips as she thought. Yeah. They wouldn’t have died. They wouldn’t have died if I’d just submitted to the disgusting blessing that Goddess Inanna gave me. If I’d just let them have their way with me and satisfied their lust instead of frantically fighting back.
……Then, those vile men back in the Southlands never would’ve gotten hurt, I never would’ve been sold off to the Golden Forest, and I never would’ve become a runaway slave. I would’ve gotten married to a suitable slave in the Southlands, had lots of children, and lived the rest of my life quietly. I might’ve even become the rich fisherman’s mistress and gotten to drink milk with honey every morning.
If only Renier had simply surrendered herself to Goddess Inanna’s blessing, that is.
“Once you’ve fully recovered…….”
The questions that she forced herself to bury came back to her like a cataract. No, like a tsunami. Was I supposed to just stay still and let them have their way with me? Five people died. They didn’t need to die. I never meant to kill them. If I didn’t fight back and try to run away, if I’d simply let them rape me…
But I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to. But, was it right for others to die just because I didn’t want to? Do I have to pay the price for that now? Can I even pay it to begin with? Renier’s mind was in such chaos that she thought she might lose her mind.
Renier wrapped the wish circling inside her mouth around her tongue and moistened her lips. Her throat hurt so much that it felt like she was ripping it open with an arrowhead.
Do I just want to be punished? Or am I just trying to make myself feel better? Isn’t it better to ask a person or a beast to punish me than to be punished by the gods? People are more merciful than the gods are, and beasts are more merciful than people are, aren’t they? Renier grew more melancholy the longer she continued thinking.
“I want you…….”
Tears fell from her eyes, and her throat slowly began to close up. The boy was constantly scowling and breathing hard —perhaps his wound was hurting—, but he waited patiently for Renier to answer him with a solemn look on his face. Renier’s voice seemed to stick to itself as she finished,
“……To rape me.”
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