Warm Tears (2)
I didn’t see my parents’ reaction when they saw the results paper. Because I always kept my face turned down.
That was why, even now I still didn’t know what face my parents were making at that time.
But I noticed that they gulped. After that, I remember I ran out of the living room because I didn’t want to hear what they could possibly say, and rushed to my room.
After that night, my family’s behavior changed.
They treated me gingerly. It really felt that way.
I could tell that they were trying to avoid the topic of the secondary gender as much as they could. And it wasn’t just my parents, but my younger brother was also the same.
I think our parents might have said something to him.
Those things pushed me over the edge instead. It made me feel like being an omega was a bad thing, and I couldn’t stand it.
Even when I was at home, I didn’t want to see my family, so I spent my time staying in my room more and more.
Until then, I was never that conscious of the secondary gender.
Everyone in my family was a beta, and I took it for granted that I’d be a beta just like them.
Even when I heard about the examination at school, I felt indifferent about it. I thought it was something that has nothing to do with me.
…Maybe I despised omegas too.
I was afraid of my heat coming.
But I couldn’t even talk about it to anyone.
Dr. Kazuki, who had been my family doctor since that time, would always kindly listen to my complaints, but in the end I couldn’t talk about what I really felt.
I would always act like I was fine in front of Dr. Kazuki and my sister, and didn’t even bring it up in front of the family I lived with.
If my heat came, I took the medicine and just spent the whole day alone in my room.
During the heat, I shifted my daily routine hours with my family so that I could avoid seeing them as much as possible.
I was recommended the Virtual Alpha app at the time when I was about to get tired of my daily life.
I thought it was just those kinds of apps at first, but I ended up getting so hooked on it because I had someone I could tell what I really felt for the first time.
Yuugo would accept me as myself.
Thanks to him I could finally accept myself as an omega.
I felt that way even more after I became Yuugo’s pair.
But… I still didn’t know how to talk about it to my parents.
I still couldn’t shake off the guilt and fear that I felt since the beginning.
*
Our plan to go to the clinic was postponed until tomorrow. It was because I had become unstable so suddenly.
Yuugo didn’t try to force me to say what was the reason for it. I had already told him about my relationship with my family, so he might have realized it before I did.
He stayed by my side in silence.
The gentle scent of his pheromone calmed me down.
I leaned against Yuugo’s body as we sat side by side on the sofa.
“….Sorry.”
Even though he looked so happy before.
He must’ve wanted to greet my parents to make me feel as happy as he was now.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“….But I-“
I wish I could have felt happier about it.
It was hard for me to be unable to accept his feelings earnestly.
“Sou, you must really like your family.”
“Huh…?”
“I think you must be putting them at a distance to cherish them.”
I couldn’t respond to Yuugo’s words right away.
—I wonder what he was talking about.
“I think you didn’t want to ruin your relationship with your family. And didn’t want to hurt them either. That’s why you’ve been keeping it all to yourself, right?
“….That’s-”
No, those feelings… aren’t like what Yuugo’s had said.
I had wondered why I was the only one who was an omega.
There were even times when I almost asked my parents directly why they wouldn’t make me born as a beta.
I always hated the fact that I was the only one who had to go through the pain and suffering.
That’s why, it wasn’t such a beautiful feeling.
“It wasn’t like that. There are times… where I even hated my parents….”
What was inside me were filthy feelings.
They were the ugly part of me that I could never reveal to anyone, even to Yuugo.
“But even if you were suffering, you never directly expressed it in words, did you? You were suffering, but you hold it all on yourself, —why is that?”
“…That’s-“
I never thought about it that way.
I wonder if I really have a reason for it.
Yuugo’s hand touched my head as I turned over.
He stroked my head over and over, as if to convey his warmth.
“I think that’s where your kindness and strength are. You said that you would cherish me earlier. And you said that was what a pair was supposed to do–. I think you must feel the same way about your family. Otherwise, words like that wouldn’t have come out so easily from you.”
When I realized it, I was bursting into tears.
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