CH 7

Oh My Love, The First.

As the background sound changed once again to the song of an unknown singer, the sound of someone’s laughter and someone’s conversation gently adorned the inside of the café. However, on the other hand, there was a time when no one could even say a word hastily. At that moment. 

2) I wish you blue bird in the spring…

At the sound of the ringtone that broke the silence, their eyes turned to one place. It was easy to know who the sender was thanks to the device being on the table. The name on the screen shook. Seo Youngwoo. Thinking it was great timing, Ha Joyoon gently pressed the corner of his eye with his palm. Contrary to his cold, sinking heart, a scorching heat rushed up on his face.

Kang Taejung’s caller tune was the same as before, but the ringtone had changed. He probably forgot to change the caller tune as well since maybe there was no such thing as their song anymore. What did you expect and what do you remember? Did you not know that time always beautifies, adorns, and discolors memories, and sometimes the dull blade of those beautified memories can inflict fatal wounds?

The loud sound of the ringtone in his ears did not seem to diminish over time. As Kang Taejung had described, a persistent person, the caller must have strong patience and someone who doesn’t know how to give up. In that way, this person must have dug into the void in his relationship with him that had been solid for thirty-one years, like that- 

“Don’t answer it.”

He opened his mouth with his gaze fixed on the phone. Only black despair was chewing him up bit by bit.

“Yoon-ah”

“Please don’t answer it.”

A look of discomfort appeared on Kang Taejung’s face. As if it knew the state of his shaking heart,  the small machine shook its whole body and announced its presence. Swallowing his dry saliva, Ha Joyoon said once again. Don’t answer it. A shabby voice came out of the vocal cords. A wretched and miserable heart swelled up and weighed on him. Kang Taejung, who was watching Ha Joyoon, was also not comfortable.

He didn’t want to hurt someone who had been in his heart for a long time in this way. But now, the person next to me is Seo Youngwoo, not Ha Joyoon. He was the one who devoted himself to look after him, who gave up everything due to Ha Joyoon’s disappearance. Despite being aware of Seo Youngwoo’s feelings for him, he was too busy to cut them off. A sincere confession was consistently ignored and often hurt by mean words. It was such a tough time to the point that even now when he thinks about it, regret and guilt come to his mind first.

Recalling how a few days ago, the guy was trembling with anxiety that he might be told to break up, Kang Taejung realized that he had to make a ‘choice’ again. All without knowing what kind of pain that choice would cause him for the rest of his life.

“Sorry.” 

When the notification with heavy decisions fell, light brown eyes containing various emotions shook violently. Kang Taejung’s heart sank heavily at the sight. Vines of responsibility for that choice wrapped themselves around him. Turning away from the face made up of delicate lines, Kang Taejung finally pressed the call button. Immediately a familiar voice came out.

<Hyung, where are you?>

At the bright voice, Kang Taejung turned his eyes away and responded as he pretended to be calm.

“Outside.” 

<Did you get off work?>

“Yeah, just now.”

<I just finished up my own work, too. Where are you right now?>

“P’w pera wffalcu eq klat rbwfbcf obg j yla.” 

<Who is it?>

“Aera… rbwfbcf P xcbk.”

<…….>

“…….” 

Pc gfrqbcrf ab tlr jcrkfg, atf qfgrbc yftlcv atf qtbcf jcv atf qfgrbc lc ogbca bo tlw kfca rlifca ja atf rjwf alwf. Ktf ygbkc fsfr rajglcu ragjluta ja tlw delmxis alcufv klat rjvcfrr jcv regqglrf. Bjcu Kjfpecu, ktb kjr yegvfcfv klat atja offilcu, mibrfv tlr fsfr ab jnblv la. Llr mbkjgvis jcv alwlv rfio kjr gfoifmafv lc Lj Absbbc’r fsfr.

<Let’s meet up, since I’m off work.>

“Right now? Youngwoo-ah….”

<Hyung, I have something really important to tell you. I want to meet you right now.> 

“I’m in the middle of a conversation.”

<Please, Hyung. Come to me.>

At the sound of the man’s pleading voice, the hand that was holding the phone tightened. He was smart and quick-witted. Seo Youngwoo didn’t even know that he was guessing the current situation, seeing that he no longer asked who he was with. After some hesitation, Kang Taejung chose again.

“… All right, I’ll come now.” 

The call ended with a short answer. And he faced his past choice, looking at him in disbelief.

“Yoon-ah, I’m sorry. I think I need to get going now.”

“…….”

“Yoon-ah.” 

“Someone you know?”

Kang Taejung’s shoulders stiffened at the question. Just someone you know? It was difficult to find a single piece of energy in the voice that was whispering again. Betrayal and sorrow, created a long trajectory. Following the trail, tears streamed down silently on Ha Joyoon’s dry cheeks. They dripped down his cheeks and chin without any mercy.

“To you, I’m just another person you know now?”

“…….” 

“I’m sorry, Taejung-ah. I know this is terrible of me… but I’m not ready to break up with you. I can’t even imagine such a thing.”

“Yoon-ah!”

The poison that had been lurking at the bottom of the heart was expelled in the form of tears. His clenched fists trembled like a sick man. There was no longer a person who had always been one step away from each other’s emotions. He, too, was just one of many ordinary people who was going through a break-up, nothing special. Thus, Ha Joyoon floundered in the swamp of his emotions and lost his temper.

“Go.” 

“…….”

“I’m leaving, but I can’t end things like this with you… I just can’t… just no… Taejung-ah, see you later.”

“Yoon-ah!”

“You and I, we’ve been together since we were born…. It can’t be like this. Just as you need time, I also need time and a chance….” 

Ha Joyoon continued to speak with difficulty, without even thinking of hiding his trembling hands.

“If I… wasn’t really a piece of trash to you… then please don’t be so cruel to me.”

“…….”

“I’ll go first. I can’t afford to let you go first today…. I’ll call you later. Please answer my call….” 

He unilaterally poured out his words and got up from his seat. He felt dizzy, but he clenched his teeth and endured it. Kang Taejung remembered the cause of Ha Joyoon’s disappearance for the past five years. Gunshot wounds during civil war, and prolonged unconsciousness. When he thought about it that far, his face turned white and he jumped up without realizing it.

“Yoon-ah, your health….”

The hand that extended toward the other person stopped in mid-air. The brown eyes that looked down at the hand that couldn’t even bear to touch him quickly lost their light.

“Don’t force yourself to worry…. From the moment you came in here until now, you didn’t care about me.” 

Ha Joyoon turned around as it was, with a cold glance along with a sour smile. Creak. The chair was pushed back with its dry scream. The moment came when there was no more conversation. It was a breakup that resembled a pallor. Following the silent footsteps, one of the two walked out of the café. And a man who was following his back drooped his head to hide his own anguish. Soon, a breath resembling a shriek came out.

After a while, he slowly got up. There was no more hesitation in the back of Kang Taejung, who left the café by walking out, the same way as Ha Joyoon did.

Clack-

The hand that closed the car door and started the engine stopped for a moment. 

“Haa….”

A deep sigh blended with the night air and flowed out. The clock inside the vehicle blinked to indicate the time. It was dawn, and the day had passed. From now on, even if he diligently goes home, he would just have to close his eyes for an hour or two and leave straight away.

It was right to leave immediately, but for some reason the man was breathing slowly, and not moving a finger like a statue. In the dark alley, the only light was the scarlet light of street lamps. Through the dim light shining through the window, a sculpture-like face revealed itself little by little.

After a long time had passed, Kang Taejung managed to cover his eyes with his arm and leaned back on the seat, letting his body hang languidly. The tension that lasted all afternoon brought about a sudden feeling of weakness. 

‘Hyung, thank you for coming. I was being too stubborn, right? I’m sorry, I was just so anxious all of a sudden. I’m not usually like this… It’s just not as easy as you’d like it to be. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not confident about being with you.’

As soon as he saw Kang Taejung, who came to him, Seo Youngwoo hugged him and confessed his inner feelings. At all the anxiety, worry, regret, and vivid emotions, Kang Taejung smiled and carefully patted his body, which was one head smaller than his, as he himself  tried to hide his heavier heart.

‘Then what about me?’

‘Me.. What about our relationship? 

Why? Accepting Seo Youngwoo’s confession was only possible because he had concluded Ha Joyoon’s chapter. Because he was willing to accept his death and start anew. Or because he had concluded that even if he hadn’t died, the two would no longer be able to maintain a normal romantic relationship. However.

‘You want us to break up? Tell me properly.’

His hardened lips softened slightly. Even though he had already concluded in his heart that they had broken up and that it was completely over, he was unable to answer Ha Joyoon’s question until the end. It’d be a lie to say he had no regrets. That he’s not sorry, not happy to see him back or that he’s just not happy, they’d all be lies from him.

However, Kang Taejung was tired enough of Ha Joyoon’s long-running arbitrary resoluteness and selfishness to offset all that longing. Relationships with an unclear future always made him feel insecure and uneasy. 

Above all, what scared him the most was the impact Ha Joyoon’s absence had on him over the past five years. He didn’t want to go through that time, which was more terrible and painful than he had imagined.

Perhaps if he had properly answered Ha Joyoon’s question about breaking up, it would have been the end. He knew his tendencies better than anyone. Maybe.

Kang Taejung completely covered his face with both hands due to a sense of shame. There was a perception that there was room for a relationship that could be completely concluded  by avoiding the path of a final decision. Therefore, he had no choice but to admit his own cowardice.

You said you needed time and a chance, too. 

But I still need time as well.  I have to cut you out of my life completely, and let you go.