Volume 4 - CH 70.2

Meanwhile, Xü Beijin is like “…”

Right, NE isn’t shutting you guys up, but the stream got disconnected again!

Sure is fortunate his livestream isn’t particularly popular, only having a few puppies and kittens for viewers. Even if the stream is cut off, at worse the audience would just quietly unsubscribe and leave…

Though, he is still feeling pissed off.

Not just because of the stream being cut off either, but more…

A more desperate, frustrating, depressing, painful…

He wants to ask, do you even know what that is? What the truth behind all of it is? You know nothing, and yet you still seek?

If you really did know, would you be sure you would not deeply regret knowing it?

Xü Beijin sits there expressionlessly, in dim natural lighting thanks to the grey skies outside. He feels his brain is equally clouded.

He has suppressed his emotions all this time, all these years. In this Nightmare, however, after the livestream has been forcefully disconnected twice, he finds his emotions bursting at the seams.

He feels detached for a moment, casting judgment on himself floating from on high.

Look at you, you pale man with heavy eyebags and a shirt that is decolourised already from all the washing… And that hair, oh man, it is ruffled and flying in all directions. What an unkempt, unscrupulous man. What kind of life must he have led all these years?

It felt like, during countless lonely, hopeless nights, half falling into a deep slumber, he’d be struggling against the ashes of his memories.

… A fire.

He suddenly wonders, if they really can even handle the truth?

There is, that Nightmare…

Perhaps feeling more spiteful, or perhaps, pitiful, but Xü Beijin’s lips twitch slightly, into what might have been a smile.

The lack of lighting is making Xü Beijin’s face rather concealed; he is hesitating. And the result of his hesitation is…

A murmur, “where did that Actor live again?”

Some people want the truth. All these years, Xü Beijin has ignored those people entirely. He knows about the conspiracy theories floating around the Tower, and some other unwritten rules and information.

He saw them, but did not pay attention to them. He heard them, but did not listen. He has locked himself up in the cage, the cage known as sleepless nights.

Until the streaming system arrived, and a window was opened… Or rather, a mere crack. That’s it.

Only he can motivate himself to walk outside of the nights, the memories, the past, the things he can never forget, but is gradually buried deeper and deeper.

So someone wants to know the truth here… If so, he might be able to help.

He can’t help but chuckle.

Although what he is recalling immediately, is how, once, in a Nightmare, Lin Qin told him——You don’t have to smile if you don’t want to.

Xü Beijin lowers his head and puts his hand to his lips. He slowly pulls the bitter angles back flat. With the poker face restored, he thinks, certainly, he will not smile when he does not want to smile.

Then he closes his eyes, to feel the dryness and the dull pain within.

He has calmed down somewhat. All the emotions that were threatening to boil over like bubbling water in a kettle has been forcefully suppressed once again, only leaving behind a helpless self-loathe and self-derision in his chest.

However, this time, the conclusion has been etched deep into his mind.

——To show the truth, to those Missiontakers seeking the truth.

He might never be able to open up his own Nightmare; at least, he doesn’t have the resolve yet, but… he knows some of the Nightmares, the Nightmares that, far better than this Nightmare they’re in right now, implies the ‘truth’ with a much more heavy-handed approach.

He is still considering if what he is doing is logical, appropriate.

Fundamentally, it all boils down to his realisation——A realisation that asks, if he can really still rot away quietly on the bottom floor of the Tower, in his despair, in his solitude? Can he really just sit on the sidelines?

He cannot.

Not just because of his personality, but more importantly, because he can see with his own eyes, the pain and hopelessness in succumbing, in Collapsing. He has made it through a year, two years, five years, a decade; but, can he still go on, forever?

The lack of sleep meant he is now already spending the majority of his days daydreaming and blanking out. He is unbearably weary and exhausted all the time. It is perhaps all in his mind, but what is in his mind, is threatening to topple him over.

He is not a god, he is a human. Mere humans with limits.

At that moment, Xü Beijin isn’t too sure what he was thinking about; it may have been a simple, decisive resolve——A thought that, it is time for some change.

He finally turns his attention back to the stream.

He doesn’t know a lot of Missiontakers; or rather, it is odd for Actors and Missiontakers to have mingled at all. His most familiar Missiontaker would be Lin Qin, but circumstances surrounding Lin Qin himself are somewhat odd.

Lin Qin remembers nothing of Earth, and also possesses that level of prowess that could be said to be a bug… Xü Beijin really can’t help but have guesses and doubts regarding his situation.

No matter what, letting Lin Qin in on this will be a risk, and all the more so when whether Lin Qin is actually interested in that so-called ‘truth’ is called into question. His worldview really is far too simple for that.

So, Xü Beijin turns his attention to that other Missiontaker he’s an acquaintance with – Mu Jiashi. Then next, also to the duo that brought up questions regarding the Apocalypse, memories, and the fog – Fei, Wu Jian.

Xü Beijin is deeply torn inside. He is still trying to make up his mind.

Speaking of, Mu Jiashi has already been to that Nightmare, hasn’t he? Xü Beijin suddenly recalled, even if Mu Jiashi might not have realised back then, what that Nightmare was signifying underneath.

Meanwhile, the Missiontakers are unaware that on the other side of this Nightmare, an Actor is restlessly trying to shoehorn in some changes here.

They’ve arrived at the outskirts of the amusement park, and a brief search later, they find a survivor that is clearly acting odd.

It’s Dai Wu.

Xü Beijin isn’t at all surprised to see Dai Wu in his stream.

Seeing how Dai Wu was back in the first run, he is sure the Actor plays a unique role in this Nightmare. Xü Beijin suspects he might have been an important side character once again.

Though, that said… Why would someone like him have been in Nightmares of the bottom floor of the Tower all along?

Xü Beijin rubs his chin, falling into thought.