Chapter 183
The roar of traffic beneath the overpass overtook everything else. I blinked several times, the ferocity of the summer sun oddly intense. Beside me, the super-heated asphalt of the recently repaved road let off the slightly sour stench of tar. The straps of my always-too-heavy backpack dug into my shoulders.
What was I doing?
Right. I was walking home from the school library. Id stayed behind for a few hours to get some studying in after class and given up after Id read the same paragraph five times until I finally realized my retention was failing and I needed a break.
Up ahead, a boy with a scruffy blonde mop of hair, wearing headphones was sitting on the overpass, flicking pebbles at the cars passing below, smirking at the audible impacts. I didnt know his name, but I recognized him.
For a while, Id suspected my brother was being bullied. Ellison refused to talk about it. Told me he was fine, that hed handle, it. But I saw the way his grades were slipping. The occasional F Did Not Complete, on assignments I knew hed finished.
And when I showed up early, rather than the usual pickup time, Id watched from a distance as the boy on the overpass tripped Ellison, pushed his face in the dirt and SnapBack a selfie with my brother as an unwilling participant before he cackled and moved on.
I knew that interceding then and there would do more harm than good. But it hurt to watch.
I drew closer, some part of me waiting for the boy to notice me. He didnt. Beside the line of pebbles at his side, I noticed the rectangular surface of a phone. The chrome around its rounded edges reflected brightly in the sunthe pro version of whatever Apple put out this year.
Maybe I couldnt directly intercede when Ellison was at school. But that didnt mean I couldnt do anything.
The boy was so fixated on tossing the pebbles, and with the headphones on he was oblivious to the world around him. If someone were to take the phone and toss it onto the road behind him, he probably wouldnt notice until the audio cut out, and by then, a dozen tires would have pulverized it.
Was it petty and childish?
Absolutely.
Was I seriously considering it?
Without a doubt.
I drew near him, the fantasy becoming closer to reality with every step.
Seconds away from carrying out the half-assed plan, I hesitated as the boy suddenly grimaced. He reached up to rub his shoulder and pulled up his shirt sleeve, revealing the dark red line of a recently scabbed over cut. Both above and below it were distended white lines of flesh of similar length. Other cuts that had scarred over.
My half-baked intentions faded from my mind as I passed him, mired in a mix of sadness and concern.
Self-harm was common in kids. Sometimes it was just an outlet, an unhealthy way to vent when a person had no one to talk to. But it was also often indicative of deeper troubles and traumas. I rarely involved myself in other peoples business, but this sort of thing could escalate quickly. It would probably be best to get the kids name from Ellison and report it to the school councillor
A feeling of dj vu washed over me so strongly I stopped in my tracks, followed by a wave of wrongness that started in my chest and spread throughout my body.
What
/////
Betty Botterblahblahblehblehblech.
I glanced up from my emails on the chunky laptop screen to where Iris sat cross-legged next to the oscillating fan. She pursed her mouth in mild disgust, as if shed just swallowed a bug, and her forehead glistened as she glared down at the printout. The sweating was probably more because of the typical July heatwave than effort alone, but shed been at it for hours.
Probably too long.
It was more than happiness.
Unlike the first memory, this was more or less exactly how it happened. And when Iris achieved her victory, Id been happy for her. But this was different. It was like a feeling of warmth and excitement and elevation, so strong and raw and real it felt as if I might burst. It was jarring, because I was certain Id never felt it before.
/////
Stained glass. Black and white attire. A cheap suit that fit me like a burlap sack. More cops in attendance than a fire sale at Cabellas.
My fathers funeral.
Mom wept unconsolably at the far end of a pew a few rows back, which meant it was my job to stand next to the casket, shell-shocked, listening to the never ending platitudes of person, after person, after person, as I shook their hand.
A woman older than god whos name I didnt know or care to learn towered over me, her stretch-marked bosom on display to a degree that felt mildly inappropriate. Her wide brimmed black hat threatened to poke me in the forehead.
Its okay to cry, dear. He was your father.
Leave the boy alone, Beth. Her husband, a man with a bad comb-over, rolled his eyes and stepped away.
It was a strain to smile, as if Id forgotten how. All cried out, I guess.
Beth pressed her lips together, pity radiating off her like an aura. She reached out towards me, hand stalling when I instinctively moved away. I know you must feel all this pressure to be strong. Youre the man of the house now. But you can be strong tomorrow. No one here will judge you if you cry.
I formed a fist slowly. Beth was rude, but they were all thinking it. Watching my stoic expression. Whispering. Judging. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to scream. To not tell this woman she had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. That Id spent most of the funeral trying to cry. Hating myself because all I could feel was anger. Angry at my father for taking the call. Angry at the asshole who killed him.
Angry at myself, for being broken.
Can you move on, please? Youre holding up the line.
The words died in my throat, as hot tears streaked down my face. I would never see him again. Wed never talk long into the evening about his day. He wouldnt be at my high school graduation, or give me long-winded career advice.
That world was gone.
My chest clenched, as unadulterated sorrow unrooted me to my very core. It felt like being plunged into a pit, a place so dark and cold and painful that it was hard to focus on anything other than the ache.
I bowed my head.
Finally, Beth seemed satisfied and moved on, a final Sorry for your loss, her parting shot.
A pair of brown loafers stepped into sight, obscuring my view of the carpet. I slowly looked up. The newcomer wore black, pinstripe pants and a dark purple vest. His hands rested casually in his pockets. His hair was white, and his long well-kempt beard and short-cut hair combined with the rest of the ensemble called to mind a post-hippie aesthetic.
When he spoke his voice was low, charming. Quite the turnout. Your father was clearly loved.
Was there a reason we had to start with this mindfuck? Those words were all I could manage. Because the pain had given way to anger once more. Hastur."
Hastur grinned. Its a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, Ordinator.
I was fucked.
