Chapter 312 - Empty feelings (2)
Then, she would have to try to put her business idea into motion. She would have to find a building, find the money, and every other little detail that went into establishing her dream bakery. Deep down, she knew how to do what needed to get done, but she still felt like she was being held back, like she couldn't move forward.
Her parents were so successful in their business ventures and boasted about that all the time. They prodded her to be just as successful or she'd be a failure. There was no grey area for them, and that was a huge leap for Ying Sheng to get from where she was at now to where they were at. It almost seemed impossible, but she doubted they cared about that.
They wanted her to succeed for them, not for herself. She hated herself for wanting the approval of her parents still. She still wished that they would pay attention to her efforts and be proud of her for dreaming and trying. That was all she wanted from them, and she hadn't heard a peep from them since she moved out. Granted, she hadn't tried to reach out either, but they were the ones who said she would amount to nothing. They broke the already weak ties between them. It was only right that they tried to repair them.
"The struggle isn't done yet. We have to actually start our businesses, and you know how much work that's going to be," Xing Yue muttered as she messed with the ends of her hair.
"All of that paperwork is going to be so boring. I thought we did enough in this class," Xing Yue sighed, her shoulders sagging some.
Ying Sheng didn't say anything. What could she add? She already had enough to worry about without thinking ahead to the future. Right now, she was struggling and nearly failing. How could she possibly expect herself to succeed when it came time to actually start her business, which was harder than just going through school to learn it? She felt like she was in over her head, and she hadn't even started.
"We should have more optimism, girl. All of that bad energy is basically going to curse your business," Hannah pointed out, mentally shaking herself off.
"You're right. Your boutique is going to be a hit. It's so cute that you'll have a wine bar!" The brunette girl told Xing Yue excitedly.
"Right? What's better than wine and shopping?" Xing Yue giggled before glancing over at Ying Sheng . "And you've got a restaurant, right?"
"Bakery," Ying Sheng corrected her, but maybe it didn't matter. Maybe it wouldn't be anything more than an idea. It all came down to her, and she was mindlessly fighting herself. How could she defeat her own self?
"How cute," The brunette quipped. "I can't wait for my girls only gym. No gross boys allowed," she smirked.
"I'd totally go," Xing Yue replied with an enthusiastic nod.
Ying Sheng's mind immediately shifted to Liam , the darkness lightening slightly. He was far from gross. Despite having seen him a few hours ago, she already missed him. When she was around him, things felt so much lighter and like she had more control over them.
The only problem was that all she wanted to do was spend time with him. She wanted to ignore her worries and responsibilities and just let loose with him, to go off into their own little world. She knew that wasn't good for her, despite how great it felt to her. She couldn't use him as an excuse to put everything else in her life on hold.
Even if he made her feel better, Ying Sheng knew that she couldn't always rely on him. She couldn't place that burden on him, which meant she had to find comfort in herself or in something else. She loved how familiar Liam was, and she didn't like the thought of having to back away from him to teach herself how to cope without him.
Ying Sheng shifted in her chair uncomfortably, wishing that she was anywhere but here. She needed to work on her business plan, not sit here and talk to people about it. Frustration clashed with stress, and Ying Sheng found herself grabbing her things and getting up from her seat.
"Where are you going? Class isn't over yet for like another two hours," Xing Yue asked her, giving her a confused look.
Ying Sheng merely shook her head, not caring that she was skipping out so early. She wasn't going to waste her time here. She pulled her backpack on and walked out of the classroom without a single look back. Dr. Harris could mark her absent for all she cared. She just wanted to go home and try to get her head on straight since things felt like they were getting away from her.
It felt like campus melted away all around her, her focus shrinking as she mindlessly headed to her car in the parking garage. She knew the things that she was doing wrong, but they were so deeply embedded in her life and her attitude now that it felt impossible to stop. She wanted to be better about her classes, her projects, and her attitude toward things that were hard in her life.
Her parents had raised her on viewing things as black or white, good or bad. If she wasn't doing something one hundred percent right, she was still doing it wrong. It made her feel like everything she did was wrong because it wasn't perfect. She could never reach the bar that they had set, and it frightened her thinking that she was already destined to fail.
Luckily, the drive back to the apartment was short. She doubted driving while her mind was so clouded was a good idea, and the tears burning at her eyes the whole way there didn't help. She just needed a moment to reground herself, to convince herself that she was doing okay and that she could get herself back on track. She didn't have to be completely hopeless if she could crawl her way back to where she needed to be. She didn't have to be a disappointment.
Once she parked, Ying Sheng slung her backpack onto her back and headed to the front door, blinking her eyes quickly to try to fight off the tears. Tears never solved anything. Her mother told her that. She sniffled and unlocked the door, trying to keep her hands from shaking too much.
She stormed straight to her room, tossing her backpack to the side and immediately throwing herself onto her bed. She wanted to work, but she also just wanted to take a breath and stare at the ceiling. She couldn't possibly write anything intelligible right now. She had to clear her mind, to think straight about what she wanted for herself. What she was doing now wasn't right.
Maybe she just needed some rest. Drawing in a deep breath, Ying Sheng forced her eyes shut, enveloping herself in darkness and trying to find comfort in its simplicity. However, it didn't stay calm and quiet for long. Her thoughts seeped through, and her anxiousness demanded to be felt. She couldn't argue against her own mind, and she couldn't stop herself from succ.u.mbing to all of the negative noise.
Her parents were so successful in their business ventures and boasted about that all the time. They prodded her to be just as successful or she'd be a failure. There was no grey area for them, and that was a huge leap for Ying Sheng to get from where she was at now to where they were at. It almost seemed impossible, but she doubted they cared about that.
They wanted her to succeed for them, not for herself. She hated herself for wanting the approval of her parents still. She still wished that they would pay attention to her efforts and be proud of her for dreaming and trying. That was all she wanted from them, and she hadn't heard a peep from them since she moved out. Granted, she hadn't tried to reach out either, but they were the ones who said she would amount to nothing. They broke the already weak ties between them. It was only right that they tried to repair them.
"The struggle isn't done yet. We have to actually start our businesses, and you know how much work that's going to be," Xing Yue muttered as she messed with the ends of her hair.
"All of that paperwork is going to be so boring. I thought we did enough in this class," Xing Yue sighed, her shoulders sagging some.
Ying Sheng didn't say anything. What could she add? She already had enough to worry about without thinking ahead to the future. Right now, she was struggling and nearly failing. How could she possibly expect herself to succeed when it came time to actually start her business, which was harder than just going through school to learn it? She felt like she was in over her head, and she hadn't even started.
"We should have more optimism, girl. All of that bad energy is basically going to curse your business," Hannah pointed out, mentally shaking herself off.
"You're right. Your boutique is going to be a hit. It's so cute that you'll have a wine bar!" The brunette girl told Xing Yue excitedly.
"Right? What's better than wine and shopping?" Xing Yue giggled before glancing over at Ying Sheng . "And you've got a restaurant, right?"
"Bakery," Ying Sheng corrected her, but maybe it didn't matter. Maybe it wouldn't be anything more than an idea. It all came down to her, and she was mindlessly fighting herself. How could she defeat her own self?
"How cute," The brunette quipped. "I can't wait for my girls only gym. No gross boys allowed," she smirked.
"I'd totally go," Xing Yue replied with an enthusiastic nod.
Ying Sheng's mind immediately shifted to Liam , the darkness lightening slightly. He was far from gross. Despite having seen him a few hours ago, she already missed him. When she was around him, things felt so much lighter and like she had more control over them.
The only problem was that all she wanted to do was spend time with him. She wanted to ignore her worries and responsibilities and just let loose with him, to go off into their own little world. She knew that wasn't good for her, despite how great it felt to her. She couldn't use him as an excuse to put everything else in her life on hold.
Even if he made her feel better, Ying Sheng knew that she couldn't always rely on him. She couldn't place that burden on him, which meant she had to find comfort in herself or in something else. She loved how familiar Liam was, and she didn't like the thought of having to back away from him to teach herself how to cope without him.
Ying Sheng shifted in her chair uncomfortably, wishing that she was anywhere but here. She needed to work on her business plan, not sit here and talk to people about it. Frustration clashed with stress, and Ying Sheng found herself grabbing her things and getting up from her seat.
"Where are you going? Class isn't over yet for like another two hours," Xing Yue asked her, giving her a confused look.
Ying Sheng merely shook her head, not caring that she was skipping out so early. She wasn't going to waste her time here. She pulled her backpack on and walked out of the classroom without a single look back. Dr. Harris could mark her absent for all she cared. She just wanted to go home and try to get her head on straight since things felt like they were getting away from her.
It felt like campus melted away all around her, her focus shrinking as she mindlessly headed to her car in the parking garage. She knew the things that she was doing wrong, but they were so deeply embedded in her life and her attitude now that it felt impossible to stop. She wanted to be better about her classes, her projects, and her attitude toward things that were hard in her life.
Her parents had raised her on viewing things as black or white, good or bad. If she wasn't doing something one hundred percent right, she was still doing it wrong. It made her feel like everything she did was wrong because it wasn't perfect. She could never reach the bar that they had set, and it frightened her thinking that she was already destined to fail.
Luckily, the drive back to the apartment was short. She doubted driving while her mind was so clouded was a good idea, and the tears burning at her eyes the whole way there didn't help. She just needed a moment to reground herself, to convince herself that she was doing okay and that she could get herself back on track. She didn't have to be completely hopeless if she could crawl her way back to where she needed to be. She didn't have to be a disappointment.
Once she parked, Ying Sheng slung her backpack onto her back and headed to the front door, blinking her eyes quickly to try to fight off the tears. Tears never solved anything. Her mother told her that. She sniffled and unlocked the door, trying to keep her hands from shaking too much.
She stormed straight to her room, tossing her backpack to the side and immediately throwing herself onto her bed. She wanted to work, but she also just wanted to take a breath and stare at the ceiling. She couldn't possibly write anything intelligible right now. She had to clear her mind, to think straight about what she wanted for herself. What she was doing now wasn't right.
Maybe she just needed some rest. Drawing in a deep breath, Ying Sheng forced her eyes shut, enveloping herself in darkness and trying to find comfort in its simplicity. However, it didn't stay calm and quiet for long. Her thoughts seeped through, and her anxiousness demanded to be felt. She couldn't argue against her own mind, and she couldn't stop herself from succ.u.mbing to all of the negative noise.
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