1298 Arrogance
Ryu felt like the world was collapsing around him, his expression finally twisting somewhat. His lips pulled themselves into a thin line and his jaw began to pop with veins. It truly felt like every aspect of his body was being stretched to the thinnest possible degree.
A string of doubt entered his heart.
Retreating now was impossible because that would mean shattering his Dao Heart. Although this staircase allowed for failure, that was under the assumption that the pressure was within the limits of what the trial taker could manage. In addition, there would always be some backlash when one failed, causing cracks in one's foundation. It was only a matter of whether the benefits you had gained outweighed what was snatched back upon your failure.
The worst part was that Ryu had a completely unbending Dao, it didn't allow for failure and it didn't allow for retreat. Even worse than the usual, the backlash for his failure would destroy him, this was the problem with being so uncompromising. As a result, the negatives he would experience would be easily tens of times that of anyone else in this position regardless.
However, moving forward also felt entirely impossible. This was just the first step, and there were thousands ahead. If the first step felt like this, what about the second? The hundredth? The thousandth?
He couldn't go forward and he couldn't retreat. It felt like he was entirely stuck, destined to suffer for the rest of his days.
The string of doubt in his heart only seemed to grow.
Had he needed to take a step onto these stairs? He had already assumed it was a test, didn't he hate to be tested? But the reason he had moved forward anyway was because he was curious, because he was arrogant about his abilities, because he felt that it wouldn't be a big deal for him one way or another.
His arrogance had always been such a huge problem, and this was hardly the first time it had landed him in such a situation.
The first time was when he insisted on breaking through into the Spiritual Severing Realm with hardly any preparation. Cultivation had been so easy for him up until that point that he took it for granted. He broke through directly, out in the open, not even in a secluded location, and he had suffered greatly for it, his actions resulting in the death of his grandfather who had gone all out just to save him.
No, was that really the first time? Even before that, when he was just a blind little boy in the Tor Kingdom, how many times had his arrogance made his life harder than it needed to be? He had been slapped by his "father", he had been publicly whipped, he had even been forced to watch a Granny Miriam die because of him.
Would he have been slapped on the day of his Awakening if he simply accepted his loss silently?
Would he have been whipped by his so-called maternal grandfather if he had simply agreed to marry Yaana?
Would he have been forced to watch Granny Miriam die on his behalf if he hadn't been so resolute in standing against his treatment? If he had just accepted it, if he had just resigned to his fate, if he had just accepted his defeat... Would Granny Miriam have died?
This matter seemed to become like walls closing down around him, suffocating him to a greater and greater extent. It seemed to sink in at that moment, it couldn't' have been clearer. His cultivation journey... Wouldn't it end here?
Going backward meant the destruction of his Dao Heart. Moving forward was impossible, and even if he could take a second step, unless he could make it to the end the conclusion would be just the same. In fact, the backlash would only be worse.
Scenes of his first life sped by his eyes and he realized that even the matters of the Tor Kingdom weren't the first time.
After he failed his Awakening at seven years old, if he hadn't been so resolute in making a name for himself and had simply accepted his Fate, would his family have had to put so much emphasis into finding methods of keeping him alive? If his grandfathers hadn't taken so much time out of their cultivation to find the countless rare herbs they had to extend the life of a mortal, would they have been more powerful than he knew them to be? Would they have grown powerful enough to resist the Martial Gods?
Why had he killed himself? Wasn't he far too arrogant then as well? He really thought that so long as he could gain the strength to cultivate, he would be able to fix everything...
But hadn't his wife still spent millions of years in pain and a lonely abyss? Hadn't his grandparents died one after another? Hadn't his father vanished in an attempt to save him, leaving his mother to withstand the coming burden all on her own?I think you should take a look at
Had his strength fixed anything? Did he even have strength right now? What was this insignificant amount of strength worth?
And now, despite having sacrificed so much, he was about to lose it all.
He had told his wives that he was a selfish bastard. Even if there was no threat, he would still want to reach the top, to sit atop the world and look down on it. And for what purpose, exactly? So that he could say he could? So that he could have the adoration of people who he didn't even know? To leave behind a legacy for future generations he would never meet to fawn over?
What was any of it worth? What was his hubris worth? What were his goals worth? Weren't they just there to safety a baseless vanity within his soul? A sinful sort of greed that existed in the depths of his heart?
The more Ryu thought, the more savage and violent the veins across his body and face became. It looked as though roaring dragons were raging beneath his pale skin, unwilling to give up until they had broken through.
For maybe the millionth time, Ryu thought about Sarriel and her words. She had a great deal of hubris in her bones, he had personally seen it, but she was willing to place it down for the sake of her family, willing to lower her head, to suffer grievance, to feel a constant pang in her heart again and again all so that she could grow powerful enough to one day avenge them and rebuild her Clan.
A saying he had thought of even more times than that came to Ryu once again.
What mattered wasn't that you knew something, but it was more important how you came to know it. What was important wasn't how you had come to be a certain type of person, but what mattered more was how that had come had built a certain comprehension, but rather how you had come to grasp it.
This was what Yaana had experienced. Her revelations from her past life were still within her, but because of her Black Rose, it didn't hinder her and rather helped her. If it had been anyone else, remembering once again would have been thousands of times more difficult.
As for why it was important now, it was because Ryu sensed that maybe this philosophy applied to personalities as well.
If you never experienced fear, then how could anything you do be counted as bravery? If you were usually an easy going person and one day you snapped because of ill treatment, could you still be called a hot head?
By the same token, if Sarriel's hubris was so bone deep, could her actions be called cowardly? Or was it more accurate to call her resilient?
If a leader was forced to sacrifice someone, but he was well known as a caring and kind person, versus a cruel and selfish person, wouldn't the optics be different?
Actions didn't come with absolute conclusions. They would change depending on the context.
Was it really right for him to look down on Sarriel so much? At least currently, her journey was still continuing, and yet here he was, about to witness the end of his own.
The pressure had squeezed down to the point Ryu's vision was beginning to swim. His bent knee trembled and threatened to collapse, a strong rush of pressure beginning an attempt to push him down from the stairs.
The seed of uncertainty within his heart grew larger and larger, making him feel every pump of his heart as though it was an increasing weight that was pressuring him.
Dao Hearts had always been relative. Ryu's own was exceptionally powerful, but when compared to that of a False Sky God, or rather, closer to a True Sky God, the gap was still enormous. Just the act of having a fully formed Godhood by proxy created a Way of the Soul that was far beyond that of land bound cultivators.
And now, Ryu was suffering as a result. The only thing that kept his standing was the very same hubris that was weakening by the second.
