The sound of breathing and running echoed through the alley. At dawn, Yaba left the temporary residence as the eunuch singers fell asleep. He told the thug that he had left something behind at the dorm, so he begrudgingly sent him there. As he walked down the steps of his apartment, he prayed that Cocaine’s words were false. Please! Please!
The black and burnt interior of the dormitory was like a shelter for the soul. Without taking off his shoes, he ran to the bathroom and turned on the light. He grabbed his trembling hand and opened the toilet water tank lid. Yaba covered his mouth and swallowed the screams that were on the verge of exploding. The lid fell to pieces on the floor, and only the afterglow filled the space.
The poison bag that had been in the toilet until morning was gone. Oh, right! Perhaps Cocaine had expected him to check it, and he had hidden it somewhere else in advance. Yaba meticulously searched the bathroom and inside the dormitory. He looked up the stairs and the roof. Cold sweat falling on his back and the sound of his panting breath was like a sensation from another world. He moistened his burning mouth with his tongue and looked around the bathroom again. Nothing. All the poison he had been collecting for several months was gone.
‘After all, if your delusion breaks down, you will not face reality, but will create another delusion and escape. You live your whole life in such a gutter-like delusion and you will die that way.’
Cocaine had sprinkled ridicule. Yaba glanced back. The only sound in the house was the faint sound of the wind. Pushed into a reality he couldn’t handle, and his knees collapsed. Was there really no poison? Was he really fumbling in front of the water purifier? No. If that’s the case, then that he was empty-handed means that Cocaine was right. He hadn’t broken himself to that extent. Cocaine was the one who conspired.
Right now, his mind was in a mess and it was impossible to guess what was going on. The pale man might be waiting outside the bathroom door. If he entered the darkness, he would snatch him right away and take him away. He would have to wait until the sun comes up.
He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and tried to sit down. At that moment, his body trembled. Ugly scars appeared on both of his wrists. The wound that took up half of his wrist was wrapped around like a bracelet. Yaba checked his eyes by closing and opening them again and again.
“Ah, wh… at…?”
When… When did this…
It was the first time he had seen the wounds that had been healed for a long time, and it was a sign of an attempt to end his life. Yaba staggered a step back and was horrified when he saw the reflection in the mirror opposite. A smear-like burn mark wrapped around the nape of his neck. Rubbing his eyes, he took his hand to the nape of his neck. The feel of his fingertips was clear. He pulled up his shirt. He also had burn marks the size of a palm on his back. The marks looked old, like old trees, and were disgusting.
Ughh… A thin moan rang out. His bones convulsed like they were about to break.
‘There is no need to be surprised by what lies ahead. When you accept something new, you have to go through that much pain.’
‘Anything. Like if it hurts where it didn’t hurt, or you can see something you didn’t see.’
His hands trembled. The sound of cracking from the inside deafened his ears. He shouldn’t be here. Because the ghost of a pale man was wandering in this apartment. The man who made his eyes weird. Yaba ran out of the apartment. The dark alleys and flickering street lights were like lights of the soul leading him to nirvana. He ran using the lights as signposts. Thoughts were jumbled up like insects caught in a spider’s web. Now he couldn’t tell from where to where the reality was. What are these wounds? So what about poison?
Then what about Cha Yiseok… ?
The time he had spent with him? The space they filled up together? And him going to the villa and singing?
… Then he himself? Did he really exist?
Fear pressed down on his shoulders. It was dark everywhere. Throughout the run, he chewed Cha Yiseok’s name in his mouth like a spell to hold him back. His name fell to the floor like hallucinations.
He saw an old-fashioned payphone at the local supermarket. He rummaged through his pants and took out a coin. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the phone and dialed his number. His eyes flickered and his hands misaligned several times. The other party did not answer the call. He hung up again and dialed his number. The beeps were long and boring. His heart was pounding like it was about to explode with anxiety about whether this number existed.
After a while, a voice came over. As though he was waking up or drunk, the voice cracked.
— Yes.
It was him. It’s his voice. A moment so intense cannot be a fantasy. The pleasure it gave him was so great, that even if he lost his mind this could not be a delusion. Sadness crept into his eyes.
“Yiseok-ah. The medicine you gave me is strange.”
He heard a sound of him getting up.
— Where are you?
“… The drug is weird.”
Silence passed slowly.
― It’s because that bastard’s drugs are wearing off and you’re in the process of adapting to mine. Endure it a little longer.
“Until when?”
Until when…?
— It’s going to be soon, so don’t avoid it. Never close your eyes and look at yourself clearly. If you do well, I’ll reward you.
‘Haa… where are you?’ His firm voice sounded anxious. As if the only thing he could rely on in the world was his voice, he tried not to miss a single breath. His throat went numb. His face was wet with tears.
‘Come to my apartment now. No, stay there. Where are you?’ His voice came over like a distant past. Yaba hung up the phone quietly. This was enough for now. If he’s real, it seemed that he would be able to endure this night. He leaned his ragged body against the wall. It felt like the sensations in his legs had disappeared.
After a while, the phone rang again. The sound was persistent. The black sky was pressed down with great pressure like the hidden deep sea. The lights flickered like luminescent creatures in the sea.
Yaba raised his hands. The scars on his wrist were still there. The burn marks on the back of his neck were felt on his fingertips. Why didn’t that man say anything when he saw these hideous wounds? Wasn’t it disgusting to lick and suck these things? Kang Giha said he gave him antidepressants to save Yaba. So, did Cha Yiseok give him the antidepressants to show him the truth?
How much more of the truth did he want to show?
