Sleepless

Milena woke up slowly, before it was time for her to. She wasn't surprised, though. It had become a routine these days. Even as Rayan held her in her sleep, or Blanche curled up next to her, she had a hard time finding sleep and her anxiety woke her up more efficiently than any maid. 

She sighed and rolled over, curling up against the sturdy body next to her. Rayan was sleeping quietly, half his face buried in the large pillow. She grabbed the bed sheets to roll it around her body, and snuggled closer to him. Their bedroom was especially cold this morning. No matter how long they spent warming it up, the cold winter would win during the night as the fire in the chimney died. Several blankets on top of the bed were often not enough. Still, Milena didn't mind snuggling against her husband's cold skin. Rayan's fine muscles and slow breathing were enough comfort for her.

"...Again?" He whispered.

She had no idea how he always woke up when she did. He always slept so deeply, Milena was sure the expression "sleeping like the dead" came from some vampire; but then, he'd suddenly open his eyes or talk. 

She sighed, and kissed his shoulder before leaning her cheek against his arm.

"It's alright. I need to get up early anyway..."

"You need to sleep, Milena."

"I'll sleep earlier tonight. I promise."

He grumbled something, but she just smiled and didn't ask him to repeat himself. She stayed in bed a bit longer, wondering if he had gone back to sleep or if he was still half-awake. Somewhere behind him, the first rays of sunshine from dawn were appearing in the sky between the curtains. She let out another sigh, and after another soft kiss, got up. 

Milena slowly stretched her sore muscles, smiling at the memory of their wild love-making from the previous night. The maids had gotten so used to them asking for a bath late in the night that now, the bathtub would always be filled with boiling water before they went to bed. The young couple didn't even feel the slightest bit of shame. On the contrary, rumors of their good relationship were echoing throughout the Castle, making everyone agree they are a good match.

She sat in front of her dressing table, slowly brushing her hair, thinking about what was waiting for her today.

Since she had come back, the Council was clearly siding with her and Rayan. Despite Ellias' achievements, Milena's power over the Guild had impressed many. For the first time, she was starting to outgrow Philomenie in terms of popularity, and it certainly mattered. What was called the Crisis of Salt had finally been settled and the House De Rosella was no longer welcome among the Guild of Merchants. As promised, Tiphania had spared no effort to replace the Countess’ position, and with Bella's help, she had succeeded. Things were looking bright economically, but of course, the good news was hindered by the upcoming war and the King's declining health. 

Things would have been much brighter without that, and Milena could have rejoiced in her victories. Yet now, all the efforts were pulled towards the armies. Each decision of the Council was going to impact the outcome of the war and it was hard to make the right ones.

With a sigh, she left their bedroom to move towards her dressing room, where Dinah and two other maids were waiting for her. Blanche, too, had been guarding the entrance of her bedroom door, and stretched with a big yawn as soon as Milena stepped out. The white cat was both admired and feared by the maids, but they knew they weren't allowed to touch it. Hence, Blanche was often the target of their curious glances, and was offered treats so often Milena had to scold her maids for over-feeding her companion.

"Good Morning, my Lady," said Dinah. "Did you sleep enough?"

"I'll worry about sleeping later, Dinah; we have a busy day ahead. Is my dress ready?"

"Of course!"

They brought forward a brick red dress, with only a few embroideries and pearls. 

Today was her brother's wedding day, and Milena had no intention to be in the spotlight for once. The Ceremony was going to be extremely private for a young Duke too, so there was no reason to over-do it. Moreover, Milena was going as the younger daughter of the House De Crescent more so than a Princess. She was relieved it would be a small ceremony, with only their close friends and family. This would be a nice change from the bustling Castle to finally go back to the quiet Manor De Crescent. She knew the reconstruction was going well, but there was a lot to do before things would be back to anything remotely normal. Hence, the wedding was going to be held in a side aisle of the Manor as a private, tame ceremony.

It wasn't like Milena had to organize everything by herself, though. Thankfully, most of the wedding details had been taken care of beforehand, so she actually had a few hours to work in her office and take care of some annoying paperwork before she left the Royal Castle grounds.

Due to the recent events, the Royal Guards insisted on accompanying her there, and she had to battle with them for a few minutes before they let her ride Black Bella instead of taking a Royal Carriage. The excess security annoyed Milena. She knew she was a Princess, but she felt like too many men around her was more of a hindrance than actual security... 

Only once she was on Black Bella's back did she get to have some fun for a change. She hadn't been able to ride the beautiful black horse in a while, and riding was one of her favorite activities. She let her mount set the pace, knowing she still had some time before getting there. Her brothers were probably busy already, and Yasina had even stayed overnight to take care of the young bride. Eugenie was actually less worried about her pregnancy than Valentin had let on. It was almost as if she was impatient for their wedding to be over to show off her little belly, despite the customs. Clorence and Prudence were now aware of the matter, but Milena feared the Count's reaction a little. Valentin was a good shot, but she was sure he couldn't outrun his father-in-law's fire...

Upon her arrival at the Manor, Milena was pleasantly surprised. 

A large tent had been put in front of the burned area, as if to welcome the arriving carriages, but it was doing a great job of hiding some of the ravages the fire had caused. Moreover, large pots of flowers had been brought from the De Iris House and scattered around to make up for the burnt garden. The House De Iris was known for their outstanding gardens, and Milena was ready to bet that under Eugenie's supervision, the Manor De Crescent would be gorgeous in just a few years. She was looking forward to it.

"Princess Milena!"

Prudence almost ran to her, looking beautiful in a pale green dress. She had obviously been waiting for her arrival, her cheeks all red from the cold.

"Lady Prudence, are you alright?" Asked Milena, getting down from her horse. "How long have you been standing there! You look like you're freezing!"

"I figured you would come around this time, and everyone is so busy inside, I figured I should wait for you!"

Once again, the young Countess was fascinated by Milena and followed her closely, telling her everything that had happened in the Manor since that morning. Eugenie had arrived early with her sisters to get ready at the manor and the rest of her family was either helping with the preparations or would come later. Her mother's health was notably bad, so she and Eugenie's younger brothers would arrive later. 

Despite it being a little wedding, it was still a Duke's wedding. Milena wondered how her father had managed to cut down the invitations, since everyone was dying to get an opportunity to come. Not only were the nobles always keen to get in a Duke's good graces, but many were probably curious about the Manor's state as well... 

Strangely enough, Prudence gave Milena a little tour of the aisle of the Manor which had been prepared for the wedding, and for the first time, Milena felt like a stranger in her own House. It had been decorated with the delicate but colorful style that Eugenie loved, with dark purple and indigo flowers, some white paper lanterns, and many candles. The usually empty large halls of the Manor were still buzzing with servants running left and right to adjust the silverware, the guests' seats, and sweep the dust off the carpets. The Butler, Digory, was so busy that Milena didn't even dare bother him, and asked the servants who recognized her not to mind her presence.

Finally, she went to the guests’ salon.

Milena had expected to be first, but instead, she ran into Eugenie's aunt, the Countess De Gardenia, who was chatting with her husband's sister, an old widow whose name Milena had forgotten. They both politely bowed at the Princess' arrival.

"Princess! So lucky of us to see you here so early!"

"No, I should thank you for coming so soon, Ladies," said Milena politely. "You must have been busy helping my new sister-in-law prepare."

"Oh, barely! The seamstress she hired is quite something!"

"The dress is wonderful!" Added Eugenie's aunt, hiding her laughter behind her gloved hand.

Milena smiled politely, but she didn't feel like entertaining those women. She knew how much they liked to chat about the latest gossip of the Kingdom and other people's private matters. Milena couldn't bear these types of women. They were only good at spending their husbands' money, throwing parties for any reason, sipping tea, and laughing at other people's misfortune. She was glad Eugenie and many of her generation had grown to be very different from them.

"It is quite a sight indeed! Although, I was curious about that new kind of skirt! Our dear Eugenie has such a thin waist and graceful figure, who would have thought this would suit her so well?"

Milena's cheeks were starting to hurt from forcing herself to smile. She just really wanted to get out of there and go greet her Father and brothers...

"I'm glad it does! After all, she will have to bear children for the Duke soon! I can't wait to see our little nieces and nephews; their parents are both so beautiful, those children will be adorable!"

"Tell me about it!"

Just as they said that, the two women exchanged a burst of exaggerated laughter, and turned to Milena, which is exactly what she feared. The aunt even glanced down at her belt, trying to hide her sour expression behind a fake smile.

"You too, Princess! Surely it shouldn't be too long before we hear some good news from the Royal Castle!"

"Don't let your husband be too busy with matters of the war. It is good to have children as early as possible!"

"I'm taking good notes, Ladies. Now, if you'll excuse me," said Milena, "I'd like to go greet my Father."

"Oh my, look at us simple women keeping this Princess busy! Of course, your family must have been missing you!"

Milena didn't wait for them to add one word before leaving the room. If it hadn't been so heavy, she would have slammed that damned door behind her. 

Still, she let out a long sigh.

"Y-your Highness..." Mumbled Prudence. "I-I'm so sorry about this..."

"Prudence, please go tell your sister I will be there shortly."

It was a rather nice way to send her away, considering how annoyed Milena was. Hence, Prudence quietly bowed and left. Milena closed her eyes for a couple of seconds. She wished Rayan was here. Those tattlers wouldn't have dared to say such things in his presence. 

Now, she blamed herself for feeling so sad. Eugenie was already pregnant; she knew she'd have to suffer the comparison sooner or later. Still, Milena felt incredibly sour. She had only been wed for a few weeks. What were people expecting? Some couples took months before getting pregnant, and the births weren't always fruitful. She tried to tell herself that she still had time while she climbed the stairs to her father's office with a heavy heart.

"...Who is it?" He asked as she knocked on the door.

"Father, it's me. May I come in?"

No matter their statuses and the years, Milena still couldn't dare to walk into her father's office unannounced. Still, she was surprised when he came to open the door himself. 

Upon suddenly facing her father, Milena was surprised. She walked in and, before she could even understand it herself, she began crying slowly.

"Milena..."

Her father gently took her to one of the sofas, sitting next to her, and put an arm around her shoulders. They didn't exchange a word, and he didn't ask. He simply let her cry silently until she calmed down, rubbing her back with his large hand. 

After crying for several long minutes, Milena found herself so silly. She took the handkerchief he handed her, a bit ashamed.

"Sorry, Father, I'm just tired..."

"...It doesn't look like mere fatigue to me, Milena. Talk to me."

Milena lifted her eyes to suddenly find his. ...Since when had she been able to look at him from the same height? Her father wasn't so tall and big anymore. She had grown up, and the vampire man hadn't changed at all; however, he was her Father. She let out a long sigh, and nodded. Although she wasn't so petty as to complain about those women, Milena still tried to find the strength to share her feelings.

"I'm just... tired, Father," she whispered. "I've been an acting Queen for weeks, doing my best to fill in a role that isn't even mine and no one wants to give me. I do my best every day to prove myself, make those uptight politicians happy and navigate this Kingdom to somewhere it can thrive. I've done so much, I exhaust myself for the sake of others, and what do I get? Every day, stares at my belly, rumors, whispers behind my back. It is as if all of my efforts are completely useless because I am without a child. They don't look at my husband or at his brother like that. If I was a man, they'd give me medals. But because I'm a woman, I'm considered a failure? What kind of world is this!"

Her frustrations were coming out all at once. Milena was tired and angry. She couldn't swallow it in silence anymore. Each day, she worked hard for people who didn't seem to care for her efforts unless she was able to conceive. This wasn't just about all the pressure she put on herself, but the attitude of everyone around her. She had enough. 

Anton waited a bit until she had calmed down, still gently rubbing her back.

"...Your mother had a hard time too," he suddenly whispered.

"Mother?" Repeated Milena, surprised.

Their Father never talked about their mother. Hence, Milena was even more shocked to hear this. He gently put her hand in his, and for the first time, she saw him smile softly, his red eyes lost in memories.

"We conceived Valentin shortly after our wedding. Because our... relationship wasn't so good and we were a mixed couple, many people began rumors to try to hurt us. They thought your mother had become pregnant too fast."

"Too fast? How could they...?"

Her father shook his head.

"Anything was good to piss us off. Especially since the King and Queen were having a hard time, people made your mother almost feel ashamed."

Milena suddenly remembered; Valentin was the oldest child of their generation among the Ducal Houses. Henry De Boreal was born the next year, but his parents had been wed for a while also. The House De Nova only had one child, Rachael, and even the House De Winter, who was strictly human, had waited two years after their wedding to conceive.

"How did mother react?" Asked Milena, curious to know more.

"She didn't care," smiled the Duke. "All she was worried about was for Valentin to be born healthy. She was young, and her only worry was that she would miscarry. Thankfully, nothing happened. With Raphael, though, she had a hard time. Human women carrying vampire babies always have a hard time..."

"...What about Lucian, then?"

"She was completely fine. Actually, we even realized late that she was pregnant, because she had very few symptoms. And with you... it was a surprise. She didn't think we'd have another child, but you made your mother sick early on to let us know you were there."

Milena chuckled.

"Really?"

"Yes... She became obsessed with peach and lavender tea, for some reason. She was always cold, too, which surprised me because it hadn't happened with Raphael. She kicked me out of our bed so many times, I lived in my office for a while."

Milena laughed again, imagining the scene of her poor Father sleeping on his sofa.

"When you were born, it was another fight, to keep you healthy..."

His smile gradually disappeared, and he gently rubbed her hand with his fingers. When he looked at her, Milena thought her father had never looked so gentle.

"Do not let others pressure you into motherhood, Milena. Having children... is something that should simply happen when it happens. Do not expect it too hard, and don't let our society pressure you into this wait. It will happen when it happens, and you'll never be prepared enough anyway. Enjoy the time when you're not pregnant, because you may suffer when you are. You'll worry about yourself, about your child, and you won't rest. There is no perfect way for you to become a mother, either. You can't predict anything about a child that is yet to be born."

"...I just want to be a good mother," she whispered.

"You will be a good mother if you simply do your best to be one, Milena. Not the mother everyone expects you to be, but the kind your child will need. You'll be a good aunt for your nieces and nephews, and one day I pray you'll become a grandmother too, maybe even a great-grandmother... Milena, you will be Queen someday; I believe that. You'll be the mother to so many children in this Kingdom. Don't become so bent on the one that will have your blood. You never know who else will need you."