Chapter 18
Chapter 18
I finished up the lesson early. I didn’t feel like dragging it out today.
Afterward, I took an evening walk with Eriez. The full moon was up high, lighting our path.
I said to Eriez, “And after the training, his highness asked me what I thought love was.”
What was love….
I wanted to know what it was too. What was love, and did it cause my innocent prince to do something so inappropriate?
Was it love who blinded me? Was it because of love that I couldn’t even reprimand the prince, although it was my job as his teacher? Did love prevent me from getting angry at him?
Eriez asked me, “Love? Are you saying you are in love with the prince, but Prince Camille is in love with the Virtuous Priestess? We don’t know how the priestess feels about anyone, but she is supposed to be having relations with the warrior, right? Did I get the gist of this situation?”
How Eriez summarized it was so sad and maddening that it sounded like a bad joke.
“I don’t know, Eri. His highness told me he doesn’t know if he loves that woman. He doesn’t know why he did what he did with her. As for me… If I knew what love truly was, I wouldn’t have been able to become an Innocent One…”
I kicked a small rock helplessly. Feeling tired, I sat down to rest.
“Juya.”
Eriez was walking ahead of me, but when he saw me sit down, he came back. He sat down beside me; I thought he would try to console me somehow, but I didn’t think anything he could say would make me feel better.
After a short silence, I finally told Eriez what happened between the Goddess’ warrior and me.
“Eri, so the warrior told me to watch the prince and the priestess but nothing more. I just don’t get it. I thought… I thought that if I told the warrior what happened, he would fix everything. Ha…. This is the most frustrating part. Why wouldn’t the Goddess’ warrior… Why wouldn’t he do anything about this situation? When I told him everything, he looked so calm. Clearly, something wrong has happened, but he didn’t blame anyone. Not me and not the prince either… I was really beginning to think that the warrior has no intention of bringing the Goddess back to us. He isn’t interested in making her reborn to our world.”
“…”
“Can we really trust him? Our Hakim Karid?”
I was hunched, and Eri put his arm around me. I weakly tried to push him away, but he pulled me closer to him so I could lean on his shoulder. It seemed like he was expecting me to cry. His large hand felt warm, and I felt comforted.
Eri replied, “We need to trust him. We need to believe in Hakim Karid because we must.”
“…”
“He must have a reason for his action… All we need to do is follow his orders. That’s all. Are you upset, Juya, because you wanted Prince Camille all to yourself? If his highness can’t accept your feelings, were you hoping that no one would have him, that he should remain alone? Is that why you told Hakim Karid what happened? You were hoping he would stop this from happening, but when it didn’t go your way…”
“What are you saying, Eri?”
“You stole the Virtuous Priestess because you fell in love with the prince. You followed his ridiculous order because of your feelings for Prince Camille. Haha…. This is too funny. I want to know what love is, too, Juya. What is it that it makes you do such strange things? We are supposed to be fighters, not lovers.”
Eriez’s last words resonated with me deeply. He was right. We were born and trained to fight, not to love. To do our duties, we swore to remain innocent of worldly feelings. We vowed to give up our lives for our mission. All we were supposed to know were duties and responsibilities, not feelings.
Eriez continued hugging my tense body. He whispered to me, “… it’s okay to cry here, Juya.” His kind words were the last straw.
I didn’t know how to cry. I forgot how, so I haven’t cried since I was just a little boy. A soldier knew how to kill, but not how to show tears. It didn’t make sense for a fighter to cry, especially for love…
However, once the tears rolled down from my eyes, I couldn’t stop it. I felt so helpless that I buried my face in Eriez’s chest. I grabbed onto his collars and wet his shirt with my tears. It was embarrassing because tears were a clear sign of weakness. I planned on denying this moment in the future if Eriez ever brought it up, but now… all I could feel was disappointment and desperation.
After sobbing for a few minutes, I felt a little better. I could finally speak coherently.
“Eri… Eri… My love for Prince Camille… I will keep it deep inside my heart. I will keep it innocent. I cannot say I don’t feel it, that I don’t love him, but I will do my best, so his highness never finds out…”
I looked up and forced myself to smile. Now that I expressed my most profound feeling, I could think a little more objectively. I felt like I now knew the answer.
Was I sad because his highness’s beautiful body was touched by someone else other than me? Did I want his body?
No.
Besides, if what I desired was simply a man’s body, then I could have someone even better. Eriez promised me this.
The truth was… I… I felt like I needed to overcome this problem one way or the other.
“So whether Prince Camille and Hawaki get together, or whether his highness marries someone, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about his body anymore. I will make sure I don’t care…”
I kneeled in front of Eri and looked up at him. He was waiting for me to explain myself. I wanted to forget about what happened today. What I saw… and the fact that I cried just now. I needed to fight my emotions and calm down.
“Juya.”
“I think I confused my lust to his body for love. I mean, when you think about it, lust can be easily removed. For example, even right now, with you. It could be like a game. It’s nothing, really. Don’t you agree, Eri?”
When I reached out for him, he seemed surprised. Eriez leaned away from me, but his upper body wasn’t what I was trying to get. He remained seated, and as long as he didn’t stand up, he couldn’t get away from me. What I wanted was the lower half of his body.
If Eriez truly wanted to get away, he could have. He could have pushed me away, but he saw the fire in my eyes.
“Eri, I am so curious about what His Highness’s member looks like. Even now, just thinking about it makes me feel crazy… To think there will be others who get to see it, but not me… Dammit! I just don’t understand why I feel this way. Eri… You told me you are willing to suck my member if that is what I needed, but it’s not enough.”
He remained rigid as I slowly explored his pants to find the string. The place where we sat remained dark, and I couldn’t see clearly. I caressed his pants until I could pull his member out.
“Juya… will this make you feel better? Will this help you?”
I knew what I was about to say didn’t make sense, but I felt like Eriez would understand. I leaned forward towards his crotch and replied, “If I can do this often… If this becomes part of my daily life… Then I won’t go crazy lusting after his highness. I will be able to love and admire him from afar… I won’t have to cross that forbidden line.”
I finished up the lesson early. I didn’t feel like dragging it out today.
Afterward, I took an evening walk with Eriez. The full moon was up high, lighting our path.
I said to Eriez, “And after the training, his highness asked me what I thought love was.”
What was love….
I wanted to know what it was too. What was love, and did it cause my innocent prince to do something so inappropriate?
Was it love who blinded me? Was it because of love that I couldn’t even reprimand the prince, although it was my job as his teacher? Did love prevent me from getting angry at him?
Eriez asked me, “Love? Are you saying you are in love with the prince, but Prince Camille is in love with the Virtuous Priestess? We don’t know how the priestess feels about anyone, but she is supposed to be having relations with the warrior, right? Did I get the gist of this situation?”
How Eriez summarized it was so sad and maddening that it sounded like a bad joke.
“I don’t know, Eri. His highness told me he doesn’t know if he loves that woman. He doesn’t know why he did what he did with her. As for me… If I knew what love truly was, I wouldn’t have been able to become an Innocent One…”
I kicked a small rock helplessly. Feeling tired, I sat down to rest.
“Juya.”
Eriez was walking ahead of me, but when he saw me sit down, he came back. He sat down beside me; I thought he would try to console me somehow, but I didn’t think anything he could say would make me feel better.
After a short silence, I finally told Eriez what happened between the Goddess’ warrior and me.
“Eri, so the warrior told me to watch the prince and the priestess but nothing more. I just don’t get it. I thought… I thought that if I told the warrior what happened, he would fix everything. Ha…. This is the most frustrating part. Why wouldn’t the Goddess’ warrior… Why wouldn’t he do anything about this situation? When I told him everything, he looked so calm. Clearly, something wrong has happened, but he didn’t blame anyone. Not me and not the prince either… I was really beginning to think that the warrior has no intention of bringing the Goddess back to us. He isn’t interested in making her reborn to our world.”
“…”
“Can we really trust him? Our Hakim Karid?”
I was hunched, and Eri put his arm around me. I weakly tried to push him away, but he pulled me closer to him so I could lean on his shoulder. It seemed like he was expecting me to cry. His large hand felt warm, and I felt comforted.
Eri replied, “We need to trust him. We need to believe in Hakim Karid because we must.”
“…”
“He must have a reason for his action… All we need to do is follow his orders. That’s all. Are you upset, Juya, because you wanted Prince Camille all to yourself? If his highness can’t accept your feelings, were you hoping that no one would have him, that he should remain alone? Is that why you told Hakim Karid what happened? You were hoping he would stop this from happening, but when it didn’t go your way…”
“What are you saying, Eri?”
“You stole the Virtuous Priestess because you fell in love with the prince. You followed his ridiculous order because of your feelings for Prince Camille. Haha…. This is too funny. I want to know what love is, too, Juya. What is it that it makes you do such strange things? We are supposed to be fighters, not lovers.”
Eriez’s last words resonated with me deeply. He was right. We were born and trained to fight, not to love. To do our duties, we swore to remain innocent of worldly feelings. We vowed to give up our lives for our mission. All we were supposed to know were duties and responsibilities, not feelings.
Eriez continued hugging my tense body. He whispered to me, “… it’s okay to cry here, Juya.” His kind words were the last straw.
I didn’t know how to cry. I forgot how, so I haven’t cried since I was just a little boy. A soldier knew how to kill, but not how to show tears. It didn’t make sense for a fighter to cry, especially for love…
However, once the tears rolled down from my eyes, I couldn’t stop it. I felt so helpless that I buried my face in Eriez’s chest. I grabbed onto his collars and wet his shirt with my tears. It was embarrassing because tears were a clear sign of weakness. I planned on denying this moment in the future if Eriez ever brought it up, but now… all I could feel was disappointment and desperation.
After sobbing for a few minutes, I felt a little better. I could finally speak coherently.
“Eri… Eri… My love for Prince Camille… I will keep it deep inside my heart. I will keep it innocent. I cannot say I don’t feel it, that I don’t love him, but I will do my best, so his highness never finds out…”
I looked up and forced myself to smile. Now that I expressed my most profound feeling, I could think a little more objectively. I felt like I now knew the answer.
Was I sad because his highness’s beautiful body was touched by someone else other than me? Did I want his body?
No.
Besides, if what I desired was simply a man’s body, then I could have someone even better. Eriez promised me this.
The truth was… I… I felt like I needed to overcome this problem one way or the other.
“So whether Prince Camille and Hawaki get together, or whether his highness marries someone, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about his body anymore. I will make sure I don’t care…”
I kneeled in front of Eri and looked up at him. He was waiting for me to explain myself. I wanted to forget about what happened today. What I saw… and the fact that I cried just now. I needed to fight my emotions and calm down.
“Juya.”
“I think I confused my lust to his body for love. I mean, when you think about it, lust can be easily removed. For example, even right now, with you. It could be like a game. It’s nothing, really. Don’t you agree, Eri?”
When I reached out for him, he seemed surprised. Eriez leaned away from me, but his upper body wasn’t what I was trying to get. He remained seated, and as long as he didn’t stand up, he couldn’t get away from me. What I wanted was the lower half of his body.
If Eriez truly wanted to get away, he could have. He could have pushed me away, but he saw the fire in my eyes.
“Eri, I am so curious about what His Highness’s member looks like. Even now, just thinking about it makes me feel crazy… To think there will be others who get to see it, but not me… Dammit! I just don’t understand why I feel this way. Eri… You told me you are willing to suck my member if that is what I needed, but it’s not enough.”
He remained rigid as I slowly explored his pants to find the string. The place where we sat remained dark, and I couldn’t see clearly. I caressed his pants until I could pull his member out.
“Juya… will this make you feel better? Will this help you?”
I knew what I was about to say didn’t make sense, but I felt like Eriez would understand. I leaned forward towards his crotch and replied, “If I can do this often… If this becomes part of my daily life… Then I won’t go crazy lusting after his highness. I will be able to love and admire him from afar… I won’t have to cross that forbidden line.”
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