Volume 10 - CH 6
Clack.
With a different hand from the one that had the handkerchief drenched in red wrapped around it, I twisted the doorknob. What appeared beyond the door was Suzutsuki’s room. It wasn’t as luxurious and bourgeois compared to her room in her own residence, as this was just a normal flat apartment, so it was fairly normal. A bookshelf, a bed, a TV, a closet…all living necessities were present similar to Masamune’s room.
However, there was one difference—A giant mirror that stood out drastically. A full-length mirror, I think you call it. It stood in the corner of the room, having large cracks inside of it, like someone hit it with a blunt object. It looked like spider webs almost, not allowing you to confirm your own appearance inside of it.
“…So you’ve come, Jirou-kun.”
I heard a voice from a bit further away. Turning my gaze towards the source of said voice, I spotted Suzutsuki, simply standing there. However, she had her back turned towards me, not allowing me to see her expression.
“Did something ridiculous again? I heard the ruckus even from here.”
“…Don’t worry, it’s not that big of a deal.”
“You suck at lying as always, I see.” Suzutsuki said, not looking at me.
Quietly, I formed a fist with my injured hand. Konoe gave me first-aid treatment with this handkerchief, but the wound still hurt. Being cut by a knife like that would probably warrant a visit to the hospital, and the scar would probably stay there, but that doesn’t matter at all. What mattered is that I needed to see Suzutsuki.
“I’m sorry. My maid must have caused you some trouble. But, don’t be angry at her, it’s all because I ordered her.”
“…Suzutsuki.”
I wanted to tell her that I didn’t mind. But, there was something more important to clarify.
“Suzutuski…why did you stop coming to school?” I asked Suzutsuki’s back.
—Let’s meet tomorrow. That’s what she told me. And yet, she didn’t come to school. She didn’t come to meet me.
“…Fine, I’ll tell you.” She still kept her back towards me, and continued. “—I couldn’t smile anymore.” She said.
“…You couldn’t smile anymore?”
I was confused, and the best I could do was return the question. Even so, Suzutsuki continued.
“Two weeks ago, after we went on a double date with Usami-san…When she told me that, I couldn’t smile anymore. It’s weird, right. Even though I was so good at it before…”
“……”
“I mean, that’s how I’ve been living my high school life. You remember what Usami-san said, yes?”
“…Yeah.”
Inability to put trust into others—Usami Masamune said that Suzutsuki Kanade had this problem. Masamune herself was similar before. That’s why she said that she and Suzutsuki are the same. Suzutsuki is wearing the mask of an honor student, and it’s because she can’t put faith into others. In other words, she didn’t have anybody she could be her true self around. That’s why she was all alone…
“It’s exactly as Usami-san said.” She spoke, like she was confessing her sins. “I’m sure that I can’t trust anybody at school. I somehow managed to melt into the environment at school, but it was all because of my acting. That’s all…nonsense. That’s who I am.”
“…Yeah, it’s true that you were acting like an honor student at school, but…”
Why? Why was there any need to go that far?
“You seem curious about the reason why, Jirou-kun. It’s quite simple.” She said, and continued. “Because that’s much easier, right?”
“…Easier?”
“Yes, that’s right. I don’t understand other people’s feelings, and I can’t put faith in them. I have no idea what people think about me. That’s why, if I act like an honor student, I can perfectly fit in.”
“……”
“That makes everything much easier. Nobody will deny me. Nobody will hurt me, and I can rest easy. That’s why I put on the mask. I just kept lying to myself, and to everybody. But…Hearing what Usami-san said, it felt like I had gotten crazy.” She continued. “Everything she said was true. I feel like my mask was pulled off me. She broke my mask, and revealed my true face. So far, that never happened, and yet she made it look so simple.”
“But, that’s because she…”
“I know, I know. She wanted to save me. But, Jirou-kun…I’m scared.”
“…Scared?”
“…Yes. Over these two weeks, I tried going to school. But, I couldn’t. I was scared of meeting everyone. I even tried to hide from Subaru or Ichigo. Do you understand why?”
“………” I stayed quiet, and looked around her room.
The clue I found awfully quickly—The mirror. Or rather, the broken mirror. The cracks on it made it virtually impossible to confirm one’s own appearance inside of it. And then, Suzutsuki’s previous words.
—I became unable to smile.
“…I’m such a coward, I can’t help but hate myself for it. Even as I prepare to head to school, someone inside of my heart tells me ‘What if someone says the same as Usami-san?’. ‘What if they saw right through your nonsense?’, you know.”
“………”
“Thinking about it that way, I got so scared…and practiced smiling in front of the mirror as much as I could, but…it was all for nothing. No matter how much I smile, it’s all fake. If I don’t do better than before, people will see through it again…”
“……”
I see, that’s why she didn’t come to school. Normally, she’s a perfect and unparalleled honor student, and everybody admires her, but…In fact, she’s just a weak, fragile girl, who can’t put faith into other people. She tried her hardest to hide these weak parts about her, kept up her act no matter how far she had to go, she kept up her mask, and relied on making up lies…
“…It’s impossible. The moment I think about the possibility of people seeing through me, I can’t put any faith in them. In you, Subaru, Ichigo, Kureha-chan, Usami-san, and even my other servants. Even my family…”
“………”
“When I think that I can’t put faith into anybody…I don’t know what to do…and I can’t tell anybody about my honest feelings…because I’m too scared…”
“……”
“That’s why…I…I…”
All of a sudden, Suzutsuki’s voice sounded weak. She might just be crying right now. However, I couldn’t see that, as she still hadn’t turned around towards me. She probably was scared to see my expression. Not knowing what she should do.
“……”
…Ahh, she’s probably exhausted. Ever since we got into the second term, she’s been acting off. She suddenly turned into Yamitsuki-san, trying to make me hate her, used me and Kureha as servants, and then became Derechuki-san. She probably was having a lot of trouble behind the scenes as well.
It’s been around three months since the new term started. That entire time, she was worrying, suffering, being exhausted, and pushed to the ground. And then, the finishing touch was Masamune’s statement two weeks ago. For Suzutsuki, it was the final straw that broke the person that she was.
Look at the mirror. She tried smiling again and again, but to no avail. She can’t even put faith in her own lies. She vented her anger out on the mirror…which only exhausted her even more. Yet, I—
“……”
Stop. I can always curse my own inability later. What’s important is what I do from here on out. Because…
“Listen, Suzutsuki.”
While she kept her back turned towards me, I just told her what I wanted to.
“I…confessed to Konoe.”
“—Eh?”
For a second, Suzutsuki sounded like she didn’t know what to say. That’s right, the reason Suzutsuki felt so pressured is because of me. We were supposed to be friends, and yet I hid my confession from her. I didn’t want to tell someone else, and kept it hidden. So, I don’t know why, but Konoe did the same, and kept her own distance from Suzutsuki. If I had to guess, that must have been even more tough for her, as she can’t put faith in other people. After all, we were supposed to be her closest friends.
“T-That’s a lie! That can’t be true!”
However, Suzutsuki denied my words immediately.
“Why? Why are you lying about that? If you confessed to Subaru, then you two should be dating by now, right?”
“…No, we aren’t. She rejected me.”
“…!?”
It seemed unbelievable to her. But even so, I continued.
“Sorry. I’ve been keeping quiet this entire time. It was just hard to say…”
“……”
“I’ll apologize. I’m sorry. I want to make up with you. So, could you maybe listen to my request?”
“…Request?” Suzutsuki, still not turning around, returned the question.
“Could we become friends again?”
“……” She swallowed her breath.
“There might be times where I have to keep secrets from you again. Everybody has secrets, but even so…Won’t you put faith in me? I’ll trust you as well, okay?”
“……”
“I don’t think that human relationships can ever be perfect. People hide things, people fight, but even so…I want to forgive all of that, and get along with you.”
“……”
“That’s why, please…If you’re fine with me, could we become friends again?”
“……”
A long silence filled the room. And then—
“…Why?” She asked with a quivering voice. “Why are you being that nice to me? What you’re saying is right. Human relationships can never be perfect. That’s why friends have to make up for it. But…why would you want to be friends with me?”
“Why…isn’t that obvious?” I answered with no hesitation.
I want to be friends with Suzutsuki.
“You looked like you were having fun.”
“Eh…?”
“It’s simple. When you’re with me or Konoe, you always look like you’re enjoying yourself. Or, was that all just acting?”
“N-No…! I…”
“You had fun, right? You were laughing for real, and told us your honest feelings. I hate to admit it, but your smile was really cute.”
…That’s right. Lack of faith in people or not, she looked like she was having fun when she was with Konoe and me. If so, then isn’t it fine? I don’t care if she puts up a mask at school. As long as she can call us her friends, nothing else matters. And, if she wishes for it, then we can try and find more people she can call friends. We’ll surely be able to help—That’s right. We can make Suzutsuki smile. As long as it makes her happy.
“Not to mention, you think of your servants as your family, right?”
“…But, I…there were times when I couldn’t properly put trust in them, and couldn’t tell them my honest feelings…”
“Don’t be so down about that. Nobody is pressuring you that much. You want them to be your family, right? What’s the big problem, then? Surely, Ichigo-san will be glad.”
She most likely already feels that way. No problem at all, really. Just look at Konoe and Ichigo-san. Just like Suzutsuki likes them, they surely feel the same way.
“But…but…” Her voice sounded teary.
It sounded like she was desperately trying to deny my words. And then, another silence happened, filling the air. I don’t know how long it lasted. Only then, she seemingly made up her mind.
“…Are you fine with me?” She spoke, anxiously.
Her attitude was different from her usual perfect self. I’m sure that this must be an important first step for her. She faintly opened up her heart. That’s why I have to answer her feelings. Straightforward, and directly.
“—Yeah. I want to be your friend. That’s why, even if it’s just a bit, please have some faith in me, and I’ll do the same.”
“—” I heard the sound of Suzutsuki swallowing her breath.
I think that she was crying right now. I don’t know if my words reached her, but…if this managed to close the distance between us…
“………Hey, Jirou-kun.” She still sounded worried, but still continued with all her might. “You said that you’d be my friend, right? If so…would you mind listening to my honest feelings?”
“……”
Honest feelings…She wanted friends she can be honest with. Someone she can tell the truth to. So if she wished for that…
“Yeah, if you’re okay with me.” I answered.
I probably was too desperate to save Suzutsuki, desperate to grant her any wish—
“—I like you.”
However, I would have never imagined what happened after that. In an instant, she turned around, revealing the tears running down her eyes. They were large grains of tears. And yet, she looked directly at me, and tried her hardest to convey her feelings.
“—I love you!”
With a different hand from the one that had the handkerchief drenched in red wrapped around it, I twisted the doorknob. What appeared beyond the door was Suzutsuki’s room. It wasn’t as luxurious and bourgeois compared to her room in her own residence, as this was just a normal flat apartment, so it was fairly normal. A bookshelf, a bed, a TV, a closet…all living necessities were present similar to Masamune’s room.
However, there was one difference—A giant mirror that stood out drastically. A full-length mirror, I think you call it. It stood in the corner of the room, having large cracks inside of it, like someone hit it with a blunt object. It looked like spider webs almost, not allowing you to confirm your own appearance inside of it.
“…So you’ve come, Jirou-kun.”
I heard a voice from a bit further away. Turning my gaze towards the source of said voice, I spotted Suzutsuki, simply standing there. However, she had her back turned towards me, not allowing me to see her expression.
“Did something ridiculous again? I heard the ruckus even from here.”
“…Don’t worry, it’s not that big of a deal.”
“You suck at lying as always, I see.” Suzutsuki said, not looking at me.
Quietly, I formed a fist with my injured hand. Konoe gave me first-aid treatment with this handkerchief, but the wound still hurt. Being cut by a knife like that would probably warrant a visit to the hospital, and the scar would probably stay there, but that doesn’t matter at all. What mattered is that I needed to see Suzutsuki.
“I’m sorry. My maid must have caused you some trouble. But, don’t be angry at her, it’s all because I ordered her.”
“…Suzutsuki.”
I wanted to tell her that I didn’t mind. But, there was something more important to clarify.
“Suzutuski…why did you stop coming to school?” I asked Suzutsuki’s back.
—Let’s meet tomorrow. That’s what she told me. And yet, she didn’t come to school. She didn’t come to meet me.
“…Fine, I’ll tell you.” She still kept her back towards me, and continued. “—I couldn’t smile anymore.” She said.
“…You couldn’t smile anymore?”
I was confused, and the best I could do was return the question. Even so, Suzutsuki continued.
“Two weeks ago, after we went on a double date with Usami-san…When she told me that, I couldn’t smile anymore. It’s weird, right. Even though I was so good at it before…”
“……”
“I mean, that’s how I’ve been living my high school life. You remember what Usami-san said, yes?”
“…Yeah.”
Inability to put trust into others—Usami Masamune said that Suzutsuki Kanade had this problem. Masamune herself was similar before. That’s why she said that she and Suzutsuki are the same. Suzutsuki is wearing the mask of an honor student, and it’s because she can’t put faith into others. In other words, she didn’t have anybody she could be her true self around. That’s why she was all alone…
“It’s exactly as Usami-san said.” She spoke, like she was confessing her sins. “I’m sure that I can’t trust anybody at school. I somehow managed to melt into the environment at school, but it was all because of my acting. That’s all…nonsense. That’s who I am.”
“…Yeah, it’s true that you were acting like an honor student at school, but…”
Why? Why was there any need to go that far?
“You seem curious about the reason why, Jirou-kun. It’s quite simple.” She said, and continued. “Because that’s much easier, right?”
“…Easier?”
“Yes, that’s right. I don’t understand other people’s feelings, and I can’t put faith in them. I have no idea what people think about me. That’s why, if I act like an honor student, I can perfectly fit in.”
“……”
“That makes everything much easier. Nobody will deny me. Nobody will hurt me, and I can rest easy. That’s why I put on the mask. I just kept lying to myself, and to everybody. But…Hearing what Usami-san said, it felt like I had gotten crazy.” She continued. “Everything she said was true. I feel like my mask was pulled off me. She broke my mask, and revealed my true face. So far, that never happened, and yet she made it look so simple.”
“But, that’s because she…”
“I know, I know. She wanted to save me. But, Jirou-kun…I’m scared.”
“…Scared?”
“…Yes. Over these two weeks, I tried going to school. But, I couldn’t. I was scared of meeting everyone. I even tried to hide from Subaru or Ichigo. Do you understand why?”
“………” I stayed quiet, and looked around her room.
The clue I found awfully quickly—The mirror. Or rather, the broken mirror. The cracks on it made it virtually impossible to confirm one’s own appearance inside of it. And then, Suzutsuki’s previous words.
—I became unable to smile.
“…I’m such a coward, I can’t help but hate myself for it. Even as I prepare to head to school, someone inside of my heart tells me ‘What if someone says the same as Usami-san?’. ‘What if they saw right through your nonsense?’, you know.”
“………”
“Thinking about it that way, I got so scared…and practiced smiling in front of the mirror as much as I could, but…it was all for nothing. No matter how much I smile, it’s all fake. If I don’t do better than before, people will see through it again…”
“……”
I see, that’s why she didn’t come to school. Normally, she’s a perfect and unparalleled honor student, and everybody admires her, but…In fact, she’s just a weak, fragile girl, who can’t put faith into other people. She tried her hardest to hide these weak parts about her, kept up her act no matter how far she had to go, she kept up her mask, and relied on making up lies…
“…It’s impossible. The moment I think about the possibility of people seeing through me, I can’t put any faith in them. In you, Subaru, Ichigo, Kureha-chan, Usami-san, and even my other servants. Even my family…”
“………”
“When I think that I can’t put faith into anybody…I don’t know what to do…and I can’t tell anybody about my honest feelings…because I’m too scared…”
“……”
“That’s why…I…I…”
All of a sudden, Suzutsuki’s voice sounded weak. She might just be crying right now. However, I couldn’t see that, as she still hadn’t turned around towards me. She probably was scared to see my expression. Not knowing what she should do.
“……”
…Ahh, she’s probably exhausted. Ever since we got into the second term, she’s been acting off. She suddenly turned into Yamitsuki-san, trying to make me hate her, used me and Kureha as servants, and then became Derechuki-san. She probably was having a lot of trouble behind the scenes as well.
It’s been around three months since the new term started. That entire time, she was worrying, suffering, being exhausted, and pushed to the ground. And then, the finishing touch was Masamune’s statement two weeks ago. For Suzutsuki, it was the final straw that broke the person that she was.
Look at the mirror. She tried smiling again and again, but to no avail. She can’t even put faith in her own lies. She vented her anger out on the mirror…which only exhausted her even more. Yet, I—
“……”
Stop. I can always curse my own inability later. What’s important is what I do from here on out. Because…
“Listen, Suzutsuki.”
While she kept her back turned towards me, I just told her what I wanted to.
“I…confessed to Konoe.”
“—Eh?”
For a second, Suzutsuki sounded like she didn’t know what to say. That’s right, the reason Suzutsuki felt so pressured is because of me. We were supposed to be friends, and yet I hid my confession from her. I didn’t want to tell someone else, and kept it hidden. So, I don’t know why, but Konoe did the same, and kept her own distance from Suzutsuki. If I had to guess, that must have been even more tough for her, as she can’t put faith in other people. After all, we were supposed to be her closest friends.
“T-That’s a lie! That can’t be true!”
However, Suzutsuki denied my words immediately.
“Why? Why are you lying about that? If you confessed to Subaru, then you two should be dating by now, right?”
“…No, we aren’t. She rejected me.”
“…!?”
It seemed unbelievable to her. But even so, I continued.
“Sorry. I’ve been keeping quiet this entire time. It was just hard to say…”
“……”
“I’ll apologize. I’m sorry. I want to make up with you. So, could you maybe listen to my request?”
“…Request?” Suzutsuki, still not turning around, returned the question.
“Could we become friends again?”
“……” She swallowed her breath.
“There might be times where I have to keep secrets from you again. Everybody has secrets, but even so…Won’t you put faith in me? I’ll trust you as well, okay?”
“……”
“I don’t think that human relationships can ever be perfect. People hide things, people fight, but even so…I want to forgive all of that, and get along with you.”
“……”
“That’s why, please…If you’re fine with me, could we become friends again?”
“……”
A long silence filled the room. And then—
“…Why?” She asked with a quivering voice. “Why are you being that nice to me? What you’re saying is right. Human relationships can never be perfect. That’s why friends have to make up for it. But…why would you want to be friends with me?”
“Why…isn’t that obvious?” I answered with no hesitation.
I want to be friends with Suzutsuki.
“You looked like you were having fun.”
“Eh…?”
“It’s simple. When you’re with me or Konoe, you always look like you’re enjoying yourself. Or, was that all just acting?”
“N-No…! I…”
“You had fun, right? You were laughing for real, and told us your honest feelings. I hate to admit it, but your smile was really cute.”
…That’s right. Lack of faith in people or not, she looked like she was having fun when she was with Konoe and me. If so, then isn’t it fine? I don’t care if she puts up a mask at school. As long as she can call us her friends, nothing else matters. And, if she wishes for it, then we can try and find more people she can call friends. We’ll surely be able to help—That’s right. We can make Suzutsuki smile. As long as it makes her happy.
“Not to mention, you think of your servants as your family, right?”
“…But, I…there were times when I couldn’t properly put trust in them, and couldn’t tell them my honest feelings…”
“Don’t be so down about that. Nobody is pressuring you that much. You want them to be your family, right? What’s the big problem, then? Surely, Ichigo-san will be glad.”
She most likely already feels that way. No problem at all, really. Just look at Konoe and Ichigo-san. Just like Suzutsuki likes them, they surely feel the same way.
“But…but…” Her voice sounded teary.
It sounded like she was desperately trying to deny my words. And then, another silence happened, filling the air. I don’t know how long it lasted. Only then, she seemingly made up her mind.
“…Are you fine with me?” She spoke, anxiously.
Her attitude was different from her usual perfect self. I’m sure that this must be an important first step for her. She faintly opened up her heart. That’s why I have to answer her feelings. Straightforward, and directly.
“—Yeah. I want to be your friend. That’s why, even if it’s just a bit, please have some faith in me, and I’ll do the same.”
“—” I heard the sound of Suzutsuki swallowing her breath.
I think that she was crying right now. I don’t know if my words reached her, but…if this managed to close the distance between us…
“………Hey, Jirou-kun.” She still sounded worried, but still continued with all her might. “You said that you’d be my friend, right? If so…would you mind listening to my honest feelings?”
“……”
Honest feelings…She wanted friends she can be honest with. Someone she can tell the truth to. So if she wished for that…
“Yeah, if you’re okay with me.” I answered.
I probably was too desperate to save Suzutsuki, desperate to grant her any wish—
“—I like you.”
However, I would have never imagined what happened after that. In an instant, she turned around, revealing the tears running down her eyes. They were large grains of tears. And yet, she looked directly at me, and tried her hardest to convey her feelings.
“—I love you!”
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