Chapter 15 - Yoo Jonghyuk's side quest #14: Compliments are good for the health. [part 11]

"Yoo Jonghyuk? Are you referring to that person you just hurt and kicked out a few moments ago?"

Kim Dokja cast a meaningful gaze before curling up the ends of his mouth, allowing a burst of self-deprecating laughter out. The teen slightly bent his back while his shoulders uncontrollably jumped up and down. He tried to hold back that mocking amusement guffawing out of his mouth, but his efforts were in vain since his chilling laughter kept reverberating around the room.

He had almost forgotten that his hyung's name was also 'Yoo Jonghyuk'. And now that he remembered it again, he felt nothing but more bitter resentment towards himself. Although they both saved Kim Dokja in their own way, in the end, what he did was letting the one physically close to him down while leaving the other one hidden in the darkness. At this point, there is no more turning back and things are unable to revert to the initial state.

"No, not him." Kim Dokja slowly shook his head while still chuckling to himself. "The 'Yoo Jonghyuk' I am referring to is inside a novel."

He is the protagonist.

And I am the reader.

Nothing less and nothing more than that.

A real-life 'Yoo Jonghyuk' will probably bring too much excitement for Kim Dokja's poor heart to handle without immediately having a cardiac arrest on the spot. The regressor was someone from a different plane of existence, literally. And for the teen, 'Yoo Jonghyuk' was just an idol he could fondly gaze from afar but will shy away if near.

Kim Sunri blinked in confusion and looked quite skeptically at the boy that was clearly losing it, but she didn't think much and just took it as her cousin finally revealing his true colors. "Hah, a novel? Why? Do you fear that he'll judge you too? Hahaha! What a loser!"

Loser? How rude. He is just a bookworm.

Kim Dokja is a kid blessed with high EQ but unfortunately behaves antisocially. He can easily tell what other people feel, a skill that had always allowed him to give the most adequate response according to the situation. Even though it was easy for him to figure out others, the same argument didn't imply that he is also sėnsɨtɨvė about what other people thought about him. And truthfully speaking, most of the time he just didn't care about them. He simply learned how to ignore the disdainful gazes, filtering all the sneering and jeering directed at him till he slowly became accustomed.

Despite Kim Dokja's timid self, many conflicting thoughts would start to clash inside his mind when he does care about someone. Because in contrast with his pure and sincere feelings, something else would have stopped his heart from opening completely. He often torments himself with unnecessary doubts and what drives these actions are his usual insecurities.

A clear example can be made with 'that person'.

When he desperately asked if anyone remembered him, Kim Dokja wanted to shout that he does. However, he wasn't able to do it, his voice couldn't reach him. Would he be hated because he couldn't respond to his call?

Should 'Yoo Jonghyuk' hate a hypocrite like him who wished for his well-being but at the same time, shamefully hoped for the story to continue?

There were times when Kim Dokja grew impatient and ruthlessly spoke of the regressor as if he was nothing more but an animal destined to be butchered in the end. He lashed out his harsh words and each time he did so, a strange sour feeling would gush forth from the bottom of his heart. Almost as if he felt guilty towards a fictional character.

How absurd was this thought... Has his sanity finally left him unrestrained?

The tale of a twisted hero who gave in the darkness while still tightly grasping the broken shards of lights within his bloodied hands. The exciting feeling of following the making of a legend, filled with many twists and turns, a feeling of both dread and hope towards the unknown. An uncertain tomorrow, a fortunate encounter, a fateful meeting, a heart-wrenching betrayal, countless blood-boiling battles and many more other feelings that Kim Dokja had managed to experience together with 'Yoo Jonghyuk'.

However, Kim Dokja was a guilty man.

Honestly speaking, he was just like the constellations whom 'Yoo Jonghyuk' hated the most but as it turns out, he may be far worse than them. At least those constellations were proving themselves to be a rather lucrative source of income, but what could Kim Dokja do besides freeloading the show? He can't give anything to 'Yoo Jonghyuk' because he was blocked by a harsh, physical barrier called reality. And that's the main reason why he often supported tls123 with his small donations. But one shouldn't misunderstand his actions, because what he did wasn't a generous act of charity. Instead, it was just a petty act of self-gratification towards himself.

Would 'Yoo Jonghyuk' despise him if one day he found out about the truth?

Kim Dokja was indeed scared of such a terrifying outcome. Of all people, he entirely held faith in no one. But he could wholeheartedly put his blind trust on 'Yoo Jonghyuk' simply because the protagonist was unable to retaliate against him. They were separated by a different plane of worlds and dimensions. By the sole fact that he'll be forever kept in the dark, meant that he will be also forever unable to judge the reader who silently watched over him since the beginning.

Was it just pure admiration or maybe something else?

His real thoughts regarding 'Yoo Jonghyuk' were still a mystery.

But one thing is clear, the same disease that 'Yoo Jonghyuk' was afflicted with was by far more common in reality rather than the fictional world. The reason why these feelings came into existence in the first place.

Kim Dokja tilted his head sideways while the corners of his mouth tugged upwards, displaying a dull and shallow smile on his thin red lips. He spoke with a mild and unhurried voice.

"But isn't it because we feel lonely?"

Kim Sunri had long readied herself to engage in a fierce battle against her cousin. Initially, she got enraged because of his long silence, but now she was just baffled by the sudden smile. The girl had been taken aback by the unforeseen subject change. However, the surprise was swiftly pushed aside by another wave of contemptuous indignation welling up inside her, ready to burst out at any given moment. The feeling had hit her square in the face with full-impact, forcefully urging out the strong impulse to scoff at the ludicrous question.

But Kim Dokja interrupted her just when she was about to spat out more arrogant words from her mouth.

"I don't entirely resent you because I know your situation."

Her entire face twitched with scornful distaste while she expressed herself vocally with a loud snort. Those heartfelt words were filtered through Kim Sunri's ears as the worst insult she has ever heard in her entire life, triggering the enraged beast hidden inside of her.

"What do you even know about me?! That I am the legitimate daughter, and yet those two bastards child can easily get my father's love that I am unable to? That I am being ostracized by everyone because of them?! Nothing! You know nothing, Kim Dokja!"

"This is my chance to prove myself worthy of his affection! I will no longer be considered as mere air in his eyes! I will be finally regarded as his daughter! I want him to be proud of me! I want him to brag about me like those two bastard siblings! No... I want to be better! I want to be the best in his eyes!"

"...Mother said that it was because I'm not good enough. Thus if I become the best, we can become a happy family! Kim Dokja, you won't understand this joy even if someone explains it to you!"

Albeit Kim Sunri's breath had been running short at this point and even though her throat felt dry and exhausted, the depths of her eyes shone set ablaze by a mixture of both bitter resentment and unyielding determination. But the young man before her just knit his beautiful brows and began shaking his head in slight disappointment. His actions served to further provoke and rile up the fuming girl even further.

"...Happy family? Yes, this is undeniably a concept too far out of reach for me."

Encouraged by Kim Dokja's agreement, she ended up smugly lifting her chin while pointing her index finger at the perpetually smiling teen. "See? I told you before! You are nothing but an unwanted existence! Your father was a waste of the society, your mother is a woman with blood on her hands and you are nothing more than fate's morbid joke. So tell me, what gives you the right to sympathize with me!"

For Kim Dokja who's used to show his heart to everyone while hiding his true self, the 'happiness' she had been talking about was indeed but a distant memory from his hazy past. He had been feeling lost for a long time, a wandering soul trying to find a small beacon of light to grasp on.

And when he finally found one...

He disregarded everything else and leeched himself onto it, unwilling to let go for anything else in the world.

"Why do you ask?"

Kim Dokja's voice had been extremely curt while the contorted face of a wailing girl was being reflected in his deep and ŀustrous hazel eyes. The initial shred of pity he felt towards her had been completely torn apart by that distasteful display of stupidity.

"I hate talking in a roundabout way, but you give me the feeling that if I didn't make myself clear, you wouldn't understand."

From his mouth, the usual mellow laughter that was once filled with a lighthearted liveliness was now bursting out with unconcealed mockery. He didn't mind making a quick shortlist to help this delusional person in her understanding process.

"I have seen many people like you in my life. 'There are still other people I can mock and humiliate, so I am not the worse, I did not hit rock bottom yet.' And you degrading others just to feed your wounded ego, it's a pathetic display." Kim Dokja's smile slowly morphed into a mocking smirk while he said that.

"Hiding behind sharp words won't change anything, because the moment you choose to live your life with this type of mindset, you have already lost."

"I can understand the selfish you who just wanted affection, but I cannot relate to your mindset."

"And most importantly, what's making me eligible to judge you." Kim Dokja briefly paused and focused his gaze on Kim Sunri's shaking pupils. "It's simply because you look down on yourself."

"Shut up, you waste!" The girl's expression flinched as she desperately cried with a hoarse voice. And while still livid with rage, she tried to stop him from saying anything more.

"Kim Sunri, you poor child. We are similar but there's also a huge difference between us."

Kim Dokja's voice had been oddly warm, but unfortunately for Kim Sunri, she could only feel cold. Streams of salty tears were already rolling down from her rosy cheeks, with a face that was scrunching up in refusal, her appearance was a total mess as if she was suffering from a meltdown. However, she still refuses to shut her big mouth.

"Y-You! You- Alright! If you say we are similar, then it means that you also look down on yourself! So that still gives you no rights!"

Kim Dokja wore a wry smile before helplessly shaking his head again like an elder trying to hold a conversation with a rather stubborn youngster. He really wondered how can someone be so delusional but pitiful at the same time. Moreover, don't these kinds of words sound especially more ironic coming out from his mouth? But in all honesty, who knows? Maybe it's a family trait after all.

"Everyone will come to terms with their fears one day. We both lied to ourself but unlike you, I didn't succumb in the end. You lied to obtain other's appreciation while I lied for myself."

If what's good and bad are just opinions separated by common sense. And if the truth doesn't matter in the end, then why don't we just create our own truth with our lies?

But what's a fake, in the end, will just remain a forgery of reality. What exactly are these emotions? He just thought that they were normal, everyone would feel sad sometimes, right? But he should also check the frequency of how many times that hollow feeling had visited him. In the end, it was only a matter of time before Kim Dokja would drown himself in his own self-loathing.

"You hate everyone but in the end, the one you hate the most is yourself."

"And that's where we are similar."

"We both hate ourselves, but I don't look down on myself anymore."

Kim Sunri suddenly jerked her head upwards, glaring fiercely at the person standing before her through a blurry vision. She was tired of constantly taking hits like a sandbag! If he wanted to hurt her with words, then she will reciprocate the service and double also the serving! She will drag him down with him. Why she should be the only one suffering?

"Prideful one aren't you! But unfortunately, that's the reason why your most cherished hyung... Will. Die. Soon! Hahahaha!!"

The information came as a bolt from the blue, catching the teen completely unaware. Kim Dokja's expression seemed to slightly crack while the girl before him smugly lifted the corner of her mouth in a smug smirk.

His eyes both dangerously narrowing, with a dark expression, he inquired.

"What are you implying?"