Chapter 362 Feeling Needed
"I used to think that I only wanted to fight strong enemies. That I only wanted to kill enemies as strong or stronger than me. But that's not exactly right. Inside the Dungeon... Man that was funny. The Boss Monsters were just too strong. I couldn't have done it alone. No..."
The white-scaled Monster thought silently for a bit.
"I guess I decided not to do it alone. I was scared to do it alone. Scared... Of being alone. So scared that it gave birth to my Necromancy ability? Maybe. They say the Magic Types you can use say something about who you are. Ha. I can use all Magic Types. That's... That's just like me. There are some that I'm better at of course. But they're mostly the fucked up ones, aren't they? Fire, Corruption, Necromancy... I'm not sure about Ice Magic though. That Lich could use it, so I'm sure it's pretty fucked up too. Freezing them in place. Keeping them unable to move. Unable to do a thing... Until their bodies slowly... Stop working. Yeah, I guess I can see it. Dark. Hot and cold. Yeah..."
Mark nodded while scratching his neck.
Every time, I would beat a Guardian, I would grow stronger, only to get a beating against the next Guardian. Every time, I would get my hopes up. With each Evolution, each Body Modification, each newly acquired Skill, each Skill Point used... Then I would get disappointed against the Guardian. Good thinking, Nia. If there were 100 Floors... If I were to be disappointed for too long... Then surely at some point... I would have grown too scared of the disappointment. I would have stopped seeking the answer. Ten Floors... Was a good choice."
"Please, I just... I just want-"
The white-scaled Monster roughly grabbed the old man by the face, covering his mouth.
With an index finger in front of its mouth,
"Shhh. I said it was nice to have someone to talk to. Not to talk with. Stay silent, kay?"
The shaking Ex-General slowly nodded, his gaze glued to the ground.
The white-scaled Monster rubbed its face for a bit.
"All this insecurity bullshit... That Fire Spirit was right. Arrogant and insecure. Like a fucking kid. I'd get insecure after the Boss Monster, then arrogant after getting a bit stronger. It was fucking pathetic." Mark let out a long sigh. "Good times though... Good times. But you know, it's not really about fighting someone stronger." He stood up and started walking, which immediately alerted the Ex-General. The latter's forehead went back to the ground when he noticed that the white-scaled Monster was walking in circles around him. "Fighting a strong one is fun. But that's not what I like the most. What I like the most... Is those like you. You know? That's fucking insecure too. But I'm done judging myself based on shit like that. It's dumb. I'll allow myself to, you know? I like putting others in their place. You thought you were strong. Guess what? You fucking aren't. And I'll make you suffer for your arrogance. Reminds me of those doctors. Most were alright. But some looked down on me like I was trash. Or like an ATM. Know what that is? Probably not. A fucking... Golden goose or whatever. What was that one... About the... The fucking..."
Mark tapped his head with the tips of his fingers as he circled around the Ex-General who was still lying with his stomach against the ground.
"Yeah, it was a goose, right? The goose that laid golden eggs. Something like that. They knew I wouldn't get better, those sons of bitches. They didn't even hide it. Parents had to pay. I had to shut the fuck up. That's power right there. I've fantasized about breaking their fingers, the way I broke yours. Could've settled with plates but... Nah. Too late now. Fantasized about pushing them down the stairs and... Whatever. Doesn't matter. Yeah."
The white-scaled Monster stopped walking.
It was standing out of the Ex-General's field of vision, which made the latter close his eyes out of fear.
"Putting them in their place... Those who look at me like I'm a cripple. Yeah. That's why I used to get so angry inside the Dungeon. Hot-headed and insecure..."
lightsnοvεl The white-scaled Monster walked closer. The Ex-General could tell thanks to the sound of its footsteps.
"Just like with those plates... Feels stupid to take it out on something else. But sometimes you have to. Gotta be able to think with a clear head."
Mark sighed and raised his gaze.
"Who's my enemy? Raven? That Connector that Nia told me about? Gaavah? The Demon Lord of Sloth? That of Lust? All of them? Don't even have the strength to stand up to them..." nove-lb-1n
He clenched his fists.
"But I'll get there. No reason to be impatient. It's clear now, more than ever..."
The white-scaled Monster brought its shaking right hand to its left elbow and held on to it.
"I can't be with Elisa. I can't... Not in that way. I was planning on leaving them. Getting them to the Elven Forest then leaving. How dumb is that? Why would I do that? Keep them safe? It's my fault that the Demon Lords even looked in their direction. Same with Yarnha. I wanted to protect them. I thought I was helping. I thought it was the right thing to do but... I always fuck things up, don't I? I just... I just can't get ANY FUCKING THING RIGHT!"
Mark rubbed his face and clenched his teeth.
He winced, frowned, and felt it rising inside him.
Crack-
The need to break a plate.
"GAAARHRHHHH!!"
"Oh, shut the fuck up. Argh..." Mark held his face with a palm for a bit. "Well, at least it's done now. It's done... We were separated. In a way that makes it certain she won't look for me. That's for the best, probably. If I'd lost control and attacked her or something, she would have forgiven me. I would have apologized in the first place. But this..."
He chuckled, but his throat felt dry. He chuckled, but that's not what he truly wanted to do.
"This! Giving a new shade to the Monster! Titles? Subconscious? Past me? Whichever the fuck it is, that was a fucking genius move! A new shade to the fucking white-scaled Monster. A shade she had no idea about. A shade she didn't know existed. A shade... I didn't know existed."
Mark took a step to his left.
"It's for the best though. It's for the best, right?"
He raised his foot and placed it on the Ex-General's shin.
The latter shut his eyes. "Please..." He mumbled.
"This way, I can't hurt them. This way, they won't be hurt. They're safer this way. They don't need me. They don't need me... I wanted them to need me, didn't I? Felt so useless in that hospital room. Unable to help anyone. It was nice..."
Clench-
"Feeling needed for once."
Crack-
"But that's over now..." The white-scaled Monster walked, while the Ex-general whimpered. "They don't need me now. They haven't... For a while. Since leaving the Dungeon, probably. This sucks... It's for the best."
The Ex-General's elbow was grabbed.
"No...! Please...!"
"This is probably..."
Crack-
"The worst I've ever felt..."
Crack-
"It feels right."
