Chapter 364 Weak & Ugly
"No matter how I look at it, I'm weak. Physically, I'm no match for that Commander. When it comes to Mana, Yarnha outclasses me. Though she's a whole Forest, so I don't know if that counts. Lin had two of those High Elven Pupils, while I only have the one. In Status, Raven outclasses me so much that I could barely move in his presence. Feels like if he had told me not to breathe, my body would have stopped doing so. There's nothing where I can consider myself strong. It's not that I was stronger. You were just weaker."
The white-scaled Monster shrugged.
"Get it? It's a simple distinction really."
No answer came from the Ex-General, who clenched his teeth until they bled.
'Ice Magic... There was no way he could have reacted to my lightning in time! He completely read my timing and erected a barrier of Ice! Son of a bitch!'
Never had he been as humiliated.
Never did he think such humiliation was possible.
He lay there, silently.
He clenched his teeth, because that was all he could clench.
His arms were connected to his shoulders by the blood that dirtied the ground between them. The same was true for his legs and hips.
"Physically, I'm outclassed. I'm weak. But that's not all. In spirit... Yeah. In spirit too, I am outclassed." n/.o-.v(/e.-1..B.-I-)n
In other words, The Ex-General's four limbs had been separated from the rest of his body.
"I ran away... But that's for the best. But I love her. I do... But I can't be with her. Too much I want to destroy. Too much I want to crack and crush and shatter. I can't put them through that. I can't pull them into it. I can't... Corrupt them, any further. I love Elisa, but I can't be with there-"
The white-scaled Monster's hand twitched, and it clicked.
"The same reason... Why I love her... Why I hate her... The reason why I love her, would have made me hate her in the past? No. It's... Something more childish than that."
The twitching hand moved to cover Mark's face for a couple of seconds as he thought.
"I think... I think I get."
Silence-
"Ha... Haha... Hahahahaha!"
As the white-scaled Monster's laughter grew louder, so did the Ex-General's whimpers.
"The guilt, the loneliness, the boredom... They brought me to despair. They made me doubt whether I deserved to live. I was so useless too. Deadweight. Useless, weak, stuck. Trapped. And that led to me... Hating everything. I fantasized about... Terrible things. Well," Mark chuckled dryly. "Terrible for that world, I suppose. I fantasized about bringing down buildings, haha! About breaking. About destroying things. I hated everyone. I hated the world for its unfairness. I hated the world... For not caring about me. I hated... I had no respect or attachment for life or the world. I had lost hope in everything. I wanted to watch the world burn, so to say... And it was the same for you."
Mark remained silent for a bit.
Gulp-
The urge to break a plate.
The urge was strong. He didn't give in to it.
"You were trapped too. It was lonely. It was hard. You had no idea whether or not you would make it out. Whether or not you would live. Whether or not you would leave. Whether or not you would die inside that room, inside that tower, inside that Dungeon. I clung to... Maybe you had something to do with it. I clung to who I was as a kid, didn't I? With you, I didn't want to look at who I became afterward. I only wanted to remember 'The boy who loved running', didn't I? I didn't want to remember the time inside that hospital, what led me to that hospital, or what I grew into. That image of a child, enthusiastically watching from the bench... That's... What I wanted to share with you."
The white-scaled Monster covered its eyes with a hand as it took a deep breath in.
"But that's not who I was. It's not all I was. I changed, inside that hospital. The despair... Changed me. I didn't have the strength to look at the future. The strength to accept my condition. The strength to think about 'What's next'. But you... You..." Mark's voice shook. "You do. You have the strength that I lack. The time inside the Dungeon didn't change you. Despite the world hurting you, you don't want to hurt it. You even let go of getting payback. Your love for the world, your hope... You didn't let them die. You didn't let the despair or challenges change you. I love you, Elisa. You're everything... That I wasn't. That I wish I was. You suffered the same thing! No, my suffering was only a portion of what you went through! I might have spent longer in that hospital than you spent inside the Dungeon but... What you went through was... Incomparably worse. I died before my parents. I have no idea what it's like to lose a father. Much less for him to be murdered in front of you. To see your people be hurt. To be kidnapped. To be... Poisoned. You suffered so much more! And yet you still... You still... Held Krista in your arms as soon as you saw her. You still nagged me for making Monsters suffer. You still wanted to pat that Elk. You still... Love life. And the world. You didn't let anything change you. You didn't let anything kill your hope. You smiled and you laughed even though... Even though it was a Monster talking to you. A Monster that killed your..."
Mark slowly fell to his knees.
"I'm not like you. I'm not strong like you. What went through was enough... For my hatred to carry over onto my next life. Even now, I want to break and crush and destroy and kill! Despite everything you went through, you don't want to do these things. You don't feel the urge to break. You're... Beautiful, and strong. I'm not. I'm weak. Too weak... To shine the way you do."
The white-scaled Monster grew silent.
"Ha..." It chuckled dryly. "Objectively, you suffered much more. But I took it way worse than you did. That just shows how weak I am, huh? My tolerance to pain is way lower. Or is it because it hit me when I was younger? Who knows... It doesn't matter... What matters is that... Right now..."
Mark scratched his neck.
"I'm glad you're not here."
His empty eyes stared at the ground below.
"Loving you... For being so strong. Hating you... For showing me how weak I am. Ha... Childish, and insecure..."
The white-scaled Monster clenched its fists.
"I'm sorry for getting your hopes up."
The people here will take care of you until you get better.
"I'm sorry for not being good enough."
My name is Minah, I'll be in charge of you here!
"I'm sorry for not trying harder."
Don't lose hope! You have to do it! If not for your sake, then do it for your parents! Hell, do it for me!
"I'm sorry for disappointing you."
Want to pray together? Mm! Let's pray that you get better! That you get healthy and strong!
"But in the end... I can't help but feel glad... I'm glad... That I'm not with you anymore. I won't be able... To disappoint you anymore."
You can't keep skipping your physical therapy. You have to get out of bed! I know it's not easy... Fine, let's pray for a bit! Let's pray that you get better!
"No, that's not it. I'm glad not to be with you... With the two of you because... Deep down, I knew..."
Let's pray that you get better, so that you can live freely!
"I knew that... I knew..." The white-scaled Monster whispered, its face showing no emotion. "That I didn't deserve you."
The Monster whispered, as dark tears went down the dark lines drawn on its white scales, before fading away.
