Miyagi is right next to me — 238
Translated by KaiesV
Edited by KaiesV
An hour or two.
Maybe shorter, maybe longer, but I don’t know how long it has been because I didn’t bring my phone to bed.
I reach next to Miyagi and touch her hair.
I can’t sleep.
I didn’t get sleepy looking at the ceiling in a daze, or at the penguins by the wall, or at the back of Miyagi’s head.
Twirl Miyagi’s hair around my fingertips and tug gently.
Miyagi does not wake up.
When I relax, a strand of her hair falls from my fingers.
I let out a small breath and call her「Miyagi.」
There is no answer, as if she is sound asleep.
On the bed where we lay together, looking at Miyagi, who would be in a dream world, my stomach grows heavy as I feel the difference between my feelings for her and mine.
At times like this, I can’t sleep forever because I’m worried about Miyagi.
My heart is loud when I feel body heat near me, which I wouldn’t feel if I were alone, and my heart is loud when I hear small breathing sounds in my sleep, which I wouldn’t hear if I were alone. As if in tandem with that heart, the fantasies that I don’t need to have also spread, and the sleepiness flew away into the sky.
I take the penguin sitting behind me and hold her in my arms.
It is small enough to be used as a pillow, but it’s not as strong as Miyagi, who is sleeping peacefully in front of me. It easily caves in when you put pressure on it, but it never complains like Miyagi does.
I close my eyes tightly.
It would be easier if I could sleep peacefully.
If I can spend the time until morning with Miyagi, who will do what I want in my dreams, it won’t be long until sunrise.
One penguin, two penguins, three penguins.
I counted up to fifteen, and wondered if I should count them as animals, since penguins are flightless birds even though birds are birds. And thinking about it makes me extraordinarily bright-eyed.
I really think Miyagi is terrible.
She makes me swear that I will never belong to anyone but her, yet she is sleeping peacefully next to me and doesn’t seem to wake up. She’s the one who should manage me, she should wake up, open her eyes, look at me, and talk to me. If she wanted to, she can kiss me.
I open my eyes and press my hand against Miyagi’s back.
She doesn’t wake up, let alone move.
How does she sleep so well?
——I know the answer.
The more I am aware of Miyagi, the less she is aware of me.
I think that is what it means.
It’s boring.
Very boring.
I put the penguin back against the wall, raises itself up, and exhales a small breath.
I kissed Miyagi’s ear in the darkness, where I would never know if a black cat was lurking. I pat her shoulder, which is out from the futon, and whispers,「Shiori.」
「…Nhn?」
An unvoiced reply is heard, and Miyagi, who had not moved, moves.
My body, which had been on its side, turns onto its back and I gasp. The wish to open the eyes is inverted and turns into a wish to keep them open.
「It’s nothing, go back to sleep.」
「O-kay.」
A sleepy voice comes back to me, though it may not have understood my words.
I regret leaving my phone on the table.
I think it’s useless to take pictures in the dark, but I would like to take pictures of a sleeping Miyagi.
No, if I were to take a picture, a video might be better.
With video, I can always hear the sleepy voice that responds back to my voice, even if I can’t see her face well in the dark.
I’m not sure if I should go get my phone.
As I moved my body with my hands on the bed, Miyagi moved fidgeting again and turned her body toward me.
No.
If I want to get my phone, I have to go over the Miyagi, and probably if I move too much, she will wake up.
I give up on the phone and lie down.
「…Shiori.」
I call out to Miyagi, who turns her body toward me.
I want to call out to her more often, even though I know that if I do it too many times, she will wake up.
Shiori, Shiori, Shiori.
I want to call her again and again because I can’t usually call her like that.
「Shiori.」
When I whispered, Miyagi pushed me in a depressing way, though I think it was unconscious.
I gently catch her hand and kiss her fingertips.
I exhale, thinking of all the bad things that would happen in the New Year if this hand touched me.
It’s not a good idea to be on the bed.
It reminds me of what happened in the past and makes me want to do again what happened in the past.
I go beyond my assigned camp and into the Miyagi’s camp.
I lean in and kisses her softly on the lips.
I touch her cheek and caress her neck.
Wanting to touch her more, I slip my hand inside her sweatshirt and touch her side. When I slide my hand down to check her soft skin and press it slightly below her breasts, Miyagi starts to squirm and I pull my hand out of her sweatshirt in a panic.
I should have made a new promise that day.
Miyagi kept her promise at Christmas, but I didn’t follow through. Doing something like that isn’t everything for me and Miyagi, but I would be happy if something like that happened again. I feel that by repeating the process, we can eliminate the distance between us.
I am sure that by touching places that no one else knows, we are breaking down what separates us from each other. It’s similar to the act of breaking down the wall that separates my room from Miyagi’s room; the more we touch, the more we expand each other’s rooms and see the other that we didn’t know. The two rooms become one and intersect.
I want to touch Miyagi again.
I want Miyagi to touch me again.
「Let’s do it again.」
Miyagi rubbed her eyes sleepily as I told her in a small voice the words that she would absolutely hate to hear if I told her when she was awake.
「…Wh–at?」
I hear a gravelly voice and stroke her hair.
It doesn’t matter if it’s from me or Miyagi.
I wish I had made a new promise, no matter what kind of promise it was, but it wasn’t the kind of promise I could make with a sleepy Miyagi.
「It’s nothing.」
「I’m, sleepy.」
「Sleep well.」
I said so and kissed her on the forehead, and she responded, “Mhmm.”
