That day I was doing pencil sketches.
It takes time for oil paints to dry. Especially in winter, the paint dries slowly. So oil paints take a long time to dry, and I end up doing pencil sketches or watercolors in between.
I have heard that the basis of painting is drawing. Not necessarily because of that, but I don’t dislike pencil sketching so much. There is the frustration of not being able to draw the way you want and the frustration of not being able to express yourself well, but as you add more and more pictures, it gets less and less frustrating, and it simply becomes a joy to draw.
… It was raining outside.
Why is it so cold when it rains in winter? But I don’t dislike this coldness so much.
I feel most at home when it’s a little cold. That’s why I don’t turn on the heater very often.
In a slightly cold room, I don’t turn on the light too much and just move my pencil while rubbing my chilled hands. That somehow calms me down.
…though there are people in this house who don’t like the idea of me being in a cold room.
“Tougo, I hope you’re not still wet. You’ll catch a cold.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
My teacher came in with a towel in his hand. He probably saw my shoes at the entrance but not my umbrella and realized that I had come all this way without an umbrella. No wonder. I didn’t have an umbrella today.
…And just as my teacher predicted, I was still wet.
Of course, I wiped my hands. Otherwise, I would have been in trouble because the paper would have been wet even though I was in the middle of drawing.
However, I didn’t wipe my hair very much. Or rather, even if I wiped my hair, it wouldn’t dry immediately, so I’ve given up on it.
“…come on. What’s with the cold in this room? You didn’t turn on the air conditioner again, did you?” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
“I told you that you could turn it on, but you didn’t turn on the heater. Instead you had the air conditioner on cold… You quite like the cold, don’t you?” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
When I answered, my teacher, laughed happily.
“That’s fine, but you should wipe your hair. You’re really going to catch a cold. Come here.” (Teacher)
My teacher put a towel over my head as I approached and began to dry my hair. He wasn’t very good at it.
“I dry wipe it myself.” (Tougo)
“No, not yet. I want to experience it because I don’t get this kind of opportunity very often. I wonder if this is what it feels like to dry a large dog.” (Teacher)
That may be so, but I wonder how similar it is to the feeling of drying me. I don’t know either, so I can’t say anything.
But for the time being, I decided to be dried until my teacher was satisfied.
After being towel dried by my teacher, I felt a bit distracted, so I decided to take a break. I heard that Teacher also came to take a break, so it was just right that we both took a break.
I hold the cup of cocoa my teacher brought in with both hands and warm my fingertips. I love the feeling of my fingers slowly warming up.
“Ah, it looks like it’s going to stop raining. It’s getting weaker.” (Teacher)
He looked out the window with a cup of cocoa in his hand.
By the way, Teacher still doesn’t drink cocoa for the time being because he has a cat’s tongue. I also have a cat’s tongue. So we both don’t drink cocoa while it’s still hot. But I think it’s a good thing because a cup of hot cocoa makes a good hot water bottle.
“It looks like the rain will be over by the time you leave. I’m glad. You wouldn’t want me to lend you an umbrella, would you…?” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
“Well, take it easy until the rain clears up.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
I sipped from my cup, hoping that the rain would last just a little longer.
…It was natural since I had given up on Teacher’s cup since it was still a little too hot for me to drink.
So for a while longer, the cup of cocoa will be a hot water bottle for my hands.
While warming myself with the cup of cocoa, I look at the desk.
How many sheets of paper are there on the desk? There are several sheets of paper on the desk. Some of them are papers on which I have drawn pictures, but there are more papers on which I am “going to draw on”.
If I have an extra printout from class, I get it and use it as paper to draw on, and if I get a blank sheet of paper, I happily take it home and use it as paper to draw on. That’s why double-sided printing is my enemy.
…However, among the papers lined up on the desk, there is one that “cannot be used for drawing on paper due to its single-sided printing.”
“What’s wrong, Tougo… Oh, is that why?” (Teacher)
Teacher, who looked at me with what must surely have been a reluctant face and then peered over the desk, took up the prints and nodded in agreement.
The printout that my teacher took up was a printout of… our career options survey.
After looking at the printout that said, “career options survey,” my teacher seemed to understand my feelings.
“I see. You are already that time in school. You chose the humanities and sciences for summer, right? Let me look at it… Law school. I see. That’s a very good offer. Very good.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
My teacher looked at my face and laughed.
…He told me that this was my stance.
I’m glad to know that there are people out there who can see my feelings.
Maybe this is how I got my teacher to find me, and that’s how I manage to breathe.
“Hmm… it looks like it’s going to be hard to write this. You’re right on time to turn it in before the deadline.” (Teacher)
“……yes.” (Tougo)
I hate the career counseling I have to do. I am going to have to lie. And even if the lie is true, I still have to lie.
Each time I do this, I feel like my feelings are getting buried inside me.
Every time they get buried, my teacher finds them and digs them up, but still, many people come to bury my heart.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
“Hmm… I have it better than you… but I still have similar things.” (Teacher)
My teacher says then leans against the wall near the window with his cup in his hand.
“I too have told lies on paper. I’m sure you know that too…” (Teacher)
Yes. I know. Teacher is also a teacher, and there are times when he has to hide his feelings by telling lies that he doesn’t want to tell. If anything, he might be having it a lot harder than me.
“…For example, every year, you lie about the somen noodles that are given to you. You say, ‘It was delicious’ even if it was not.” (Teacher)
Um… well. I actually enjoy all the somen noodles.
…In that sense, “Tougo Uezora’s” words on those being delicious may not be a lie.
“Well, aside from somen noodles, it seems that you don’t quite know what you wanted to write in this career survey.” (Teacher)
…I am at a loss for words.
I’ve been looking back at my feelings, but I can’t seem to formulate them properly.
I like to draw. But I can’t put it into words.
I want to paint. I want to paint all the time. But it stops there. …There is surely nothing beyond that.
There is nothing. There shouldn’t be. That is what I felt.
I want there to be something. But I don’t think I should say that.
At least, I can’t write “I want to be a painter” on my career application. I am sure that is not what I want to write…
Seeing me like that, my teacher smiled happily.
“That’s right. I think you like to draw. From my point of view, you look really happy when you draw, and it’s really nice.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
“I hope that you will be able to live a life in which you can do what you want to do. Of course, I know how difficult that could be.” (Teacher)
“……yes.” (Tougo)
I know too There are many reasons why it is “difficult”. I know that too. That’s why I didn’t know what to write in the career option survey, so I ended up writing “law school”.
What is it that I am lacking? Is it words or courage? I don’t even know.
“But you know what, Tougo? In the first place, you don’t have to trust everything about yourself to a piece of paper.” (Teacher)
Mr teacher, however, put a printout of the career choice survey on the desk.
“What you wrote here can’t be everything about you, can it?” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
What is written there is not what I want. There are many other things that I want to write here and many other things that I can’t write here. I have not yet been able to see it clearly or give it form it. …I still can’t see it well, and it doesn’t take shape. I feel like I shouldn’t give it a shape, though.
“Even if you come to terms with reality. Even if the future doesn’t look very good. Even if there are things you have to give up. But we must not lose sight of who we are.” (Teacher)
Teacher doesn’t even look at me as he says,
“Who you are. It is okay to let go of reality and everything else and keep that hidden in your heart.” (Teacher)
“Hidden…” (Tougo)
I responded a little, and he looked at me with a grin.
“That’s right. Yes, keep it hidden. Hide it from those who will try to destroy your treasure as soon as they find it before it has a chance to take shape.” (Teacher)
His words were something no one else had ever said to me.
And I’m sure that’s what I wanted to be told.
“……yes.” (Tougo)
“Well… it’s all things that can’t be done. It’s all a bit of a mess. You have to lie on this paper. You have a lot of unspoken thoughts, and you know who you want to be.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
I have to lie and hide my true feelings. Things that would be destroyed if taken out must be hidden quietly.
But that doesn’t mean you have to pretend you don’t see it, nor does it mean you have to put it away and forget about it.
You can hide the unspoken. You can let it slowly warm up inside of you and wait for the day when it will hatch… like the egg of a bird.
Someday.
“…well, someday.” (Tougo)
My teacher looked at me and smiled, rubbing the cup of cocoa in his hand, which he had drunk out of before I knew it.
“I hope someday you’ll be able to put into words what you really feel.” (Teacher)
“……yes.” (Tougo)
I hope so too.
I hope that one day I will be able to give form to what I have been keeping hidden and incubating for so long.
“If you can put your feelings into words, please let me know. I want to hear how you express yourself.” (Teacher)
“…you know I am not good at putting things into words.” (Tougo)
“Hahaha. That’s right. Yes, you are. But you also know that I’m not very good at drawing, but you let me do it from time to time. That’s similar.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
This is good. Yes. We are good.
Both Teacher and I are full of things that we can’t do.
“Yeah, that’s true. So, will you tell me about it sometime?” (Teacher)
Seeing my teacher grin, I nod.
“Yes.” (Tougo)
Someday. I’ll be able to put it into words.
