Chapter 5
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Chapter 5
I quickly swallowed my tears, pretending to be calm, and gathered my expression.
“No, what are all these clothes about? What are you doing without calling me?”
“I was looking at this serious situation calmly. I think I have a hole in my chest. There’s too much milk, and it hurts…… The baby must have chewed my chest too painfully. I think my n*pple fell off. It hurts so much.”
“What do you mean the n*pple fell off from a child who doesn’t even have teeth?”
“No. There must be a problem. I turned ten years older in one day. Is there any law that says my n*pple won’t fall off? Please check it quickly.”
“Well…… I told you, you have to express your milk when it is full.”
The sadness I had been holding back soared.
As a 16-year-old, no one told me what it was like to be a mother after giving birth. The situation I was faced with without being prepared was both embarrassing and shocking.
“I barely even put my breasts in the child’s mouth!”
“Are you crying? The child doesn’t even cry, so why is the mother crying? It happens to all mothers, so calm down, miss.”
“I’m not crying. I don’t cry that easily.”
“Prideful.”
I gave a lot of strength to the burning eyes.
Mildred smiled and took off my clothes, and clicked her tongue as she looked at my swollen bre**ts. After a while, I could see my milk swaying in the crude wooden bucket.
As I watched it, the realization that I was really giving birth hit me in the head.
The reality that I couldn’t believe even when I saw a child who looked just like me…… It could no longer be denied.
Then, I, who has neither the memories of being embraced nor the memories of having given birth to the child…… What am I supposed to do?
I had to make a decision before I left.
“Now, raise the legs like this and change the cloth for a new one. No, what do you do when you’re so far away? Come closer. You have to learn how to change diapers.”
I covered my nose and shook my head more intensely than ever. And I’m very surprised by two new things I’ve learned.
One, babies have an angel-like face and have vicious poop that kill people.
Two, Mildred’s sarcasm, who doesn’t frown even after seeing a bowel movement that seems to be able to cast out that evil spirit, was truly admirable.
Mildred even laughed, saying, ‘How can your poop be so pretty and healthy-.’
“I am glad that the baby is eating well and is healthy.”
“No. This stinky smell is undoubtedly a problematic smell. Maybe he has poison in the stomach. We have to go to the doctor right now.”
“You were like this when you were young.”
“No way!”
Mildred smiled and wiped every corner of the child’s buttocks with a soft cloth. The child smiled brightly without a single whimper as the cloth came in and out between his white, plump buttocks.
“You have to get used to it, too. You said you were returning to the capital? You’d have to look after the baby by yourself without me while you’re on your way home.”
Right.
This was the problem.
I have to take care of this kid.
It was an undeniable fact that a child came out of my stomach. Without even knowing the father, it was no different from me feeling like he literally fell from the sky.
It even went against my beliefs to get married and have children, something I would never do.
His big bright eyes, two rosy cheeks, and the silvery, wavy hair were all cute and cuddly, but it’s something one can just purely love if it was someone else’s child.
Thinking that this child was mine, my eyes were wide open.
A heavy responsibility followed like a shadow. But apart from the responsibility, I couldn’t afford to raise a child.
My mental age had stopped at sixteen, and as a mother who was no more than an idiot when it came to parenting, I felt pitiful.
The child had to find a better mother than me. For example, a Mildred-like mom.
“Mi, Mildred.”
“Why?”
“Where are Mildred’s children?”
“When I was young, I was not feeling well, so it was difficult to get pregnant. After 11 years of marriage with Robin, we miraculously had a child, and it went away without staying ten months in the womb.”
I was at a loss for words at the unexpectedly heavy story.
But Mildred’s voice was dull, as if she was looking at an old dusty diary for a moment.
“I missed my child, so I helped all the mothers who have children from house to house, so even though I couldn’t raise my child even once, I became one in caring for them.”
I was just about to ask if she could take care of the child but the question just got scattered.
I was already indebted to Mildred and Robin just for taking care of me when I first came.
I never knew when I might return here, but it was really shameless to leave the child with her.
The child gave a refreshing laugh as he played with Mildred and her hands after finishing the diaper change.
As I approached and sat next to the child, he stretched out his arms towards me as if recognizing me.
“He wants you to hold his hand.”
Mildred rushed, and I awkwardly held out my index finger.
The child grabbed my index finger with both hands.
The soft warmth stuck to my index finger.
In an instant, a tingling sensation pierced through the hairs all over her body.
My heart was pounding and my toes were twitching.
I put my hands behind my back in amazement.
As if the child was disappointed, his mouth was wobbling, but he didn’t cry.
Mildred rubbed her nose against the child’s nose, and a shrill burst of laughter broke out.
“Later, when Mom finds her memory, you have to say everything you were upset about, okay?”
“…… What are you talking about?”
I took a step away from him, and then turned my head.
The cozy sunset light soaked the forest. A path with a particularly dark color caught my eye over the cold frozen ground.
It was a soft road made by Robin who stopped by the village once a week.
“Mildred.”
“Why?”
“Is it far from here to town?”
“It only takes an hour to walk. Do you need anything?”
I shook my head and inhaled.
The selfish and ugly inside was dressed in a mask pretending to be cool and rational.
I can’t help it, this was the best. Both for me and for the child.
I waited for the morning to come, constantly repeating the decision, like an escape.
The child, wrapped in a yellow floral blanket, looked up at me with only his face exposed.
His two large eyes were full of curiosity.
“What you looking at.”
I awkwardly held the child in my arms and walked along the forest path.
Every time the cold winter wind blew my cheeks, it felt like it was whipping my selfish me.
The more I did, the more I stared at the winding road.
The place I arrived at on foot from dawn was a village at the bottom of the mountain.
To be precise, it was a temple in the village.
If you leave a child in front of the temple, I have heard that the temple will keep the child safe.
A quiet winter morning.
The bare branches swayed softly, and dust swirled around the stone steps of the temple where the cold wind had descended.
I looked down at the child who had been turning away all the time.
The child was holding my hair tight with his little hand and sucking it through his mouth.
“…… It’s not food.”
As I pulled out my hair, the child burst out laughing again cheerily.
I feel like he was excited just by looking at me.
His nose and cheeks the size of a pea were slightly red like a peach.
“When I find my memory, I’ll come back.”
When I realize you are my child
“…….”
“Both you nor I suffer because I can’t even change diapers, and you can live comfortably here. Understand?”
“…….”
“Did you understand?”
“Mya!”
“You know how to answer?”
The child folded the corners of his eyes and smiled softly.
The sunlight on the tip of his long eyelashes shone very naturally.
This light darkened my heart.
I could feel my weak emotions rising, despite the fact that I had made up my mind to be cool all last night.
However, due to feelings of pity or responsibility, it was impossible to blindly take a child who I thought was only someone else’s.
I had to find my lost ten years, and I had to straighten out my messed up life.
A child was something I shouldn’t have in my life.
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Chapter 5
I quickly swallowed my tears, pretending to be calm, and gathered my expression.
“No, what are all these clothes about? What are you doing without calling me?”
“I was looking at this serious situation calmly. I think I have a hole in my chest. There’s too much milk, and it hurts…… The baby must have chewed my chest too painfully. I think my n*pple fell off. It hurts so much.”
“What do you mean the n*pple fell off from a child who doesn’t even have teeth?”
“No. There must be a problem. I turned ten years older in one day. Is there any law that says my n*pple won’t fall off? Please check it quickly.”
“Well…… I told you, you have to express your milk when it is full.”
The sadness I had been holding back soared.
As a 16-year-old, no one told me what it was like to be a mother after giving birth. The situation I was faced with without being prepared was both embarrassing and shocking.
“I barely even put my breasts in the child’s mouth!”
“Are you crying? The child doesn’t even cry, so why is the mother crying? It happens to all mothers, so calm down, miss.”
“I’m not crying. I don’t cry that easily.”
“Prideful.”
I gave a lot of strength to the burning eyes.
Mildred smiled and took off my clothes, and clicked her tongue as she looked at my swollen bre**ts. After a while, I could see my milk swaying in the crude wooden bucket.
As I watched it, the realization that I was really giving birth hit me in the head.
The reality that I couldn’t believe even when I saw a child who looked just like me…… It could no longer be denied.
Then, I, who has neither the memories of being embraced nor the memories of having given birth to the child…… What am I supposed to do?
I had to make a decision before I left.
“Now, raise the legs like this and change the cloth for a new one. No, what do you do when you’re so far away? Come closer. You have to learn how to change diapers.”
I covered my nose and shook my head more intensely than ever. And I’m very surprised by two new things I’ve learned.
One, babies have an angel-like face and have vicious poop that kill people.
Two, Mildred’s sarcasm, who doesn’t frown even after seeing a bowel movement that seems to be able to cast out that evil spirit, was truly admirable.
Mildred even laughed, saying, ‘How can your poop be so pretty and healthy-.’
“I am glad that the baby is eating well and is healthy.”
“No. This stinky smell is undoubtedly a problematic smell. Maybe he has poison in the stomach. We have to go to the doctor right now.”
“You were like this when you were young.”
“No way!”
Mildred smiled and wiped every corner of the child’s buttocks with a soft cloth. The child smiled brightly without a single whimper as the cloth came in and out between his white, plump buttocks.
“You have to get used to it, too. You said you were returning to the capital? You’d have to look after the baby by yourself without me while you’re on your way home.”
Right.
This was the problem.
I have to take care of this kid.
It was an undeniable fact that a child came out of my stomach. Without even knowing the father, it was no different from me feeling like he literally fell from the sky.
It even went against my beliefs to get married and have children, something I would never do.
His big bright eyes, two rosy cheeks, and the silvery, wavy hair were all cute and cuddly, but it’s something one can just purely love if it was someone else’s child.
Thinking that this child was mine, my eyes were wide open.
A heavy responsibility followed like a shadow. But apart from the responsibility, I couldn’t afford to raise a child.
My mental age had stopped at sixteen, and as a mother who was no more than an idiot when it came to parenting, I felt pitiful.
The child had to find a better mother than me. For example, a Mildred-like mom.
“Mi, Mildred.”
“Why?”
“Where are Mildred’s children?”
“When I was young, I was not feeling well, so it was difficult to get pregnant. After 11 years of marriage with Robin, we miraculously had a child, and it went away without staying ten months in the womb.”
I was at a loss for words at the unexpectedly heavy story.
But Mildred’s voice was dull, as if she was looking at an old dusty diary for a moment.
“I missed my child, so I helped all the mothers who have children from house to house, so even though I couldn’t raise my child even once, I became one in caring for them.”
I was just about to ask if she could take care of the child but the question just got scattered.
I was already indebted to Mildred and Robin just for taking care of me when I first came.
I never knew when I might return here, but it was really shameless to leave the child with her.
The child gave a refreshing laugh as he played with Mildred and her hands after finishing the diaper change.
As I approached and sat next to the child, he stretched out his arms towards me as if recognizing me.
“He wants you to hold his hand.”
Mildred rushed, and I awkwardly held out my index finger.
The child grabbed my index finger with both hands.
The soft warmth stuck to my index finger.
In an instant, a tingling sensation pierced through the hairs all over her body.
My heart was pounding and my toes were twitching.
I put my hands behind my back in amazement.
As if the child was disappointed, his mouth was wobbling, but he didn’t cry.
Mildred rubbed her nose against the child’s nose, and a shrill burst of laughter broke out.
“Later, when Mom finds her memory, you have to say everything you were upset about, okay?”
“…… What are you talking about?”
I took a step away from him, and then turned my head.
The cozy sunset light soaked the forest. A path with a particularly dark color caught my eye over the cold frozen ground.
It was a soft road made by Robin who stopped by the village once a week.
“Mildred.”
“Why?”
“Is it far from here to town?”
“It only takes an hour to walk. Do you need anything?”
I shook my head and inhaled.
The selfish and ugly inside was dressed in a mask pretending to be cool and rational.
I can’t help it, this was the best. Both for me and for the child.
I waited for the morning to come, constantly repeating the decision, like an escape.
The child, wrapped in a yellow floral blanket, looked up at me with only his face exposed.
His two large eyes were full of curiosity.
“What you looking at.”
I awkwardly held the child in my arms and walked along the forest path.
Every time the cold winter wind blew my cheeks, it felt like it was whipping my selfish me.
The more I did, the more I stared at the winding road.
The place I arrived at on foot from dawn was a village at the bottom of the mountain.
To be precise, it was a temple in the village.
If you leave a child in front of the temple, I have heard that the temple will keep the child safe.
A quiet winter morning.
The bare branches swayed softly, and dust swirled around the stone steps of the temple where the cold wind had descended.
I looked down at the child who had been turning away all the time.
The child was holding my hair tight with his little hand and sucking it through his mouth.
“…… It’s not food.”
As I pulled out my hair, the child burst out laughing again cheerily.
I feel like he was excited just by looking at me.
His nose and cheeks the size of a pea were slightly red like a peach.
“When I find my memory, I’ll come back.”
When I realize you are my child
“…….”
“Both you nor I suffer because I can’t even change diapers, and you can live comfortably here. Understand?”
“…….”
“Did you understand?”
“Mya!”
“You know how to answer?”
The child folded the corners of his eyes and smiled softly.
The sunlight on the tip of his long eyelashes shone very naturally.
This light darkened my heart.
I could feel my weak emotions rising, despite the fact that I had made up my mind to be cool all last night.
However, due to feelings of pity or responsibility, it was impossible to blindly take a child who I thought was only someone else’s.
I had to find my lost ten years, and I had to straighten out my messed up life.
A child was something I shouldn’t have in my life.
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