Chapter 344 Shaking Hand, II
Strong and beautiful?
Sure, I want to be strong.
I want to be stronger.
Beautiful? Why would I want that?
Why would I want to be beautiful like Elisa or Krista?
Beautiful...
What does being beautiful even mean?
Beauty.
Elisa and Krista.
Different from the ugliness inside the Dungeon.
Beautiful.
Like those northern lights? Like a forest?
Beautiful in that way?
Is it the same beauty? Or are there different types of beauty?
I'm not sure.
Beautiful and strong.
I want to be strong.
I want to be stronger.
What for?
So that I can run!
But you can run now.
I want to run faster then! For longer!
How fast is fast enough? How long is long enough?
I'm not sure.
I want to be stronger.
What for?
So that I can fight the enemies standing in my way.
So that I don't need to be scared. So that I can stop worrying.
So that I can live freely.
Live freely? What does that mean?
It means being free.
Being free to do... What?
"Why are you running away?" The Darkness asked.
The white-scaled Monster ran and ran, and the Darkness kept appearing behind it no matter how far the Monster ran.
"Are you scared of me? Why?"
Mark clenched his teeth and continued running.
"Did you love Elisa?"
The question pierced his heart quicker and deeper than any dagger could have.
"Remember the time when she lay on your body? When she listened to your heart as it beat? How did that feel?"
"I was... Nervous."
"Nervous? It didn't look that way."
"Of course it wouldn't... I'm a Monster after all."
"Is that so? Doesn't seem like that has anything to do with being a Monster."
"Mm?"
"You were nervous. Why didn't you show it? Why didn't you let her know?"
"Because..."
"Because you have to keep up appearances? Because you have to act strong? Because you have to act like a man? Because a Monster looking nervous would have looked ridiculous?"
"I... Guess so..."
"A Monster looking nervous. That would look... Endearing in a way, don't you think?"
"Maybe."
"You preferred to hide it."
"I did."
"You told her that you would stay with her. To the Elven Forest. You told her that despite not planning on doing it."
"I was planning to! I-"
"You're such a liar, Mark. An ugly liar. A good liar. It's ugly, isn't it, how good you are at lying?"
"I'm not... A Liar."
"Let's go back to that time. She lay on you. She listened to your heart beating. It felt nice, didn't it, having her so close?"
"It did."
"Then you felt her heart. With your hand. Remember?"
"..."
"Your hand was shaking. Remember? Why was your hand shaking?"
"Shut up."n)-0velBIn
"Why was your hand shaking?"
"Shut up!"
"You're a liar, Mark. An ugly, ugly liar. Did you think staying with Elisa would change that too? Staying with her... Getting hit for her... You wanted to be beautiful too, didn't you?"
"What the hell does that even mean?"
"There was only one way for you to be beautiful. Only way you knew how to be beautiful."
"Ha! And what would that be?"
"Dying for her."
The white-scaled Monster clenched its fists.
"But instead of dying for her, you hurt her. How ugly... And pathetic."
"Shut up."
"Earlier, you would have let her kill you. That Commander. You would have let her. You would have let yourself die."
"I was fighting."
"Were you? But at one point, you wished for it, didn't you? You thought it would be easier, didn't you? You deluded yourself into thinking it would be a good thing. You killed someone she held dear. So you thought dying by her hand wouldn't be so bad? You always fuck things up, Mark. It's in your nature. But you thought that dying that way would, at least, constitute one good thing you've done, huh? Allowing her to grieve by taking your life... Something you wouldn't have the ability to fuck up afterwards. Is that how little you trust yourself?"
"I don't... I don't trust myself... But I didn't-"
"You lied to Elisa. Over and over again."
"I didn't!"
"What did you tell her then? When weren't you lying?"
"I didn't lie to her!"
"Why didn't you tell her the truth?"
"WHAT TRUTH??"
"That eeeverything was your fault. That the reason she suffered was you. The reason she was captured was you. The reason she was Corrupted was you. The reason why her father and her people were killed and tortured. All of it, is your fault."
"I didn't... I didn't ask for any of that!"
"But it was still to your benefit."
"I'm not to blame for that!"
"Then why didn't you tell her? In the first place, she was pretty smart, so she might have figured it out anyways. Still, you should have told her, don't you think?"
"I..."
"She trusted you with her life. You know that, right?"
"I do."
"Did you trust her with yours?"
"I... I did."
"Did you? Really?"
"Yes! I did! I trusted her! More than anyone!!"
"More than anyone...? How can you say that, when she's the only one?"
"...?"
"You didn't start counting the others as real, did you? Levi, the Fire Spirit... None of them really count. The only one was Elisa. The only one you knew. You fell in love with the first one you met. Isn't that pathetic?"
"It isn't!"
"So you loved her?"
"I did!"
"But she wasn't special."
"She was!"
"How would you know? You haven't known anyone else."
"..."
"You trusted her with your life. And she trusted you with hers."
"Yes."
"She trusted you with her life."
"She did. And I trusted her with mine."
"THEN WHY WAS YOUR HAND SHAKING??"
Thump-
The Darkness' sudden shouting made the white-scaled Monster stumble.
It fell to the ground, shuddering.
"WHY WAS YOUR HAND SHAKING, MARK? WHY??"
The white-scaled Monster hurriedly stood back up and ran away.
The Darkness remained unmoving for a bit.
"Why was your hand shaking?"
Soon, it would disappear, and reappear next to the white-scaled Monster.
"She trusted you with her life..."
Behind the Monster. Slightly to the right at times, slightly to the left at times.
"You trusted her with your life..."
As if guiding that Monster somewhere. Towards something.
"But you couldn't trust yourself with hers."
