Chapter 345 You Can Never Be Like Them
"You were going to let her kill you. How is that strong? How is that beautiful? Dying and losing can never be strength. You letting her... Are you really that weak? How would that have been beautiful? Beauty can't be made artificially, you know? It would still have been ugly, even if the world hadn't realized it, it still would have been ugly, and weak."
"I am..."
"You are... What?"
"I am... Weak."
"If you were to let someone kill you, why her? Oh... It started earlier, didn't it? Elisa pierced your eye with that dagger. And then you ran away once she told you to go away. Had she tried to kill you, you would have let her, right?"
"I... Don't know."
"Yes, you do. You would have. Because you're weak. Why are you so weak, Mark? Why can't you do anything right? Why wait for that Commander to die? Lin was here under the Demon Lord's orders, wasn't he? Maybe you should have let him kill you. Or Yarnha. She would have used you to fuel the Forest. Maybe you would have been turned into a tree, or flowers. Why didn't you let them kill you?"
"I... Don't want to die."
"You don't, huh? But maybe it would be for the best, don't you think? The world would be a better place without you. But that's obvious, since you're a Monster. You should have died earlier. Before you could hurt Elisa. You should have died against Lin. You should have died against Yarnha. You should have died against Zephyr."
"Lin... Was strong..."
Mark hadn't thought about that Commander much after their fight, but Ani's words kept repeating inside his head.
He never gave in! He never screamed! He never begged for anything! He was strong! Stronger than you! Wayyy stronger than you-
"Can you remember him screaming?" The Darkness asked.
"I... Can't..."
He always knew where he was going! He was never confused! He always knew where he was going-
"Do you know where you're going?"
"I don't..."
He knew who he was-
"Do you know who you are?"
"I..."
"Why didn't you Devour that Commander? Or that Calamity? Why didn't you stay to Devour the loser?"
"Because I wouldn't... Deserve it."
"Did you deserve to Devour Lin?"
"..."
"Would you have been able to beat him without Elisa?"
"No... I don't think so..."
"What about the Guardians that you defeated thanks to your Underlings?"
"That... Was different."
"Was it?"
"They're... Part of..."
"Part of your strength, huh? Do you really believe that? In that case, why didn't you spend more time strengthening them?"
"Because I... Can't keep relying... On others..."n-)o/(v(.e-)l..b--1(-n
"What about Elisa? You relied on her a lot. You couldn't have beaten Lin without her. Fighting that Commander would have been much tougher without Elisa rousing her up."
"It's... Different."
"Right. You even justified staying with her that way. Isn't that illogical? You don't want your Underlings help, but you want Elisa's?"
"I... Don't know what I want."
"Ha! That much is clear." The Darkness chuckled. "You can never be like them. You're wicked. You're corrupted. To your core."
"I don't... Think so..."
"Huh? Wouldn't that explain your affinity with Corruption Magic? With Dark Magic?"
"I can't... use Dark Magic."
"Sure you can! You have, can't you remember?"
"It wasn't... Me..."
"It was. You were half asleep, but it was you!"
"What are you... Trying to say?"
"It's the reason why you didn't die against Zephyr. The reason why you didn't die against Yarnha."
"What... Is?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"...?"
"You mistake it for something that it's not."
"What is it then?"
"INSTINCT!"
"IT'S NOT!"
"IT IS! AND IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO ACCEPT IT! INSTINCT IS WHAT KEPT YOU ALIVE ALL THIS TIME!"
"I can't... I can't... Accept that!"
"Why not?"
"Because then... Because if it's instinct then..."
"Well, yes. A Monster's instincts shouldn't be underestimated. Those instincts cannot be tamed. They can't be subdued."
"No... No! That's not true! There's something inside of me! It wasn't me!"
"You don't like it? That part of you?"
"It's not a part of me! And I hate it!"
"You see what happens when you go wild. When you-"
"That's it! It's the Corruption! It's the Titles! It's..."
"The Corruption? You know that's not a justification. Just like the -Influence- you were talking about earlier."
"What... Yes, it is!"
"How so?"
"Because even Elisa...! Even Elisa..."
"Elisa... What?"
"Even she... Lost control."
"But you're not like her. You're just not, Mark. You have to accept it."
"HOW DO YOU KNOW??"
"Because look at the difference between what happens when she loses control and when you do."
"..."
"You get it, don't you? You're different. You're wicked. When she lost herself, when the Corruption got the best of her, what's the worst thing she did?"
"She... Shot me..."
"That's right. It's the difference between the pure and the wicked. The worst thing she did... Was attack a Monster. And looking at you well, can you blame her?"
"..."
"You can't. And that's why you didn't blame her for it. If anything, that's when you should have died, don't you think? Zephyr wouldn't have cared about her. Neither would have Raven. Yarnha wouldn't have attacked her. The Demon Lord of Sloth wouldn't have noticed her. And you wouldn't have hurt her. Eeeeverything is your fault. Everything that went wrong in her life, is your fault. From beginning to end. And you say you want to explain yourself?"
Too much.
It was way too much for Mark to retort or say anything back.
"Can you remember the first time you shook hands? The time when you agreed to fight together?"
"I... Think I do."
"Can you remember what she said?"
"I... Can't."
"Huh? You loved her, but you can't remember? Let me jog your memory then. She said you better not let her down, since you got her hopes up."
"..."
"Can you remember what you answered?"
"I CAN'T! I FUCKING CAN'T! IT WAS LONG AGO! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO-"
"You said that you would try." Mark immediately felt his stomach burn as if it were on fire. "You didn't promise more than that. Just that you would try. Now, tell me. Did you? Try?"
"I did! I tried! I tried to protect them! I-"
BLEUGH-
Heaps of dark blood left the white-scaled Monster's mouth as it fell to its knees.
"You did try, huh? Then you did as promised."
It stared at its reflection. The liquid was dark. Why was its reflection visible.
"I tried. I did. I really did. I tried... But..."
"Oh. There's a -but-?"
"I should have... I SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER DAMNIT!" Mark shouted as his fist descended upon the dark puddle.
"How so?"
"I DON'T KNOW! I SHOULD HAVE... I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE! I SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER! I... I...!"
"You tried, but it still wasn't enough. Not nearly enough. You let her down. You couldn't live up to her expectations. All the hope you gave her... Was crushed. And it's aaall your fault."
How long did Mark stare at his reflection?
How long did he stare into that dark puddle?
How long did he stare at the ugly face covered by white scales in front of him?
"Oh..." He started. "I get it now..."
