Chapter 347 The Child & The Monster
Who is he?
I can't help but ask myself that as I stare at him.
Small. Thin. Young. A child.
Big. Muscular. Powerful. A Monster.
I'm the Monster.
Seeing the difference between us... Is he the interior? And I the exterior? Something like that?
No.
No, he can't be.
Because I am both.
Then?
Tsk. Why do I ask myself that? It's been clear from the beginning.
Even before, it wasn't Mina. It was him.
It was always him.
My past self.
But why would my past self look at me this way?
I thought you would be happy.
Look. My heart beats powerfully. My legs work. I can run. I can do so many things.
Why aren't you happy?
You couldn't do any of those things. Is that why you're mad at me? No, that can't be the case. Because I am both.
Why aren't you happy?
It started with my heart, then spread to my legs, then continued spreading. That's how it went, right, my past self?
Look at me now.
I can grow more arms or legs if needed. I have a tail that's stronger than my other limbs! I have wings! I have spider legs that grow from my lower back!
Why aren't you happy?
I made sure to have so many limbs, so that I would always have something to fall back on.
Why aren't you happy?
Oh. The heart was the main issue. But you have nothing to worry about!
It's not my heart that's beating, but a Monster's!
I stole a Monster's heart so that I wouldn't have the same issues!
Still, one heart is a bit... Do you think I should get more? More hearts? More limbs? More lungs? More... More. More!
Why aren't you happy?
I thought I was doing a good job.
Don't you think so?
You wanted to run.
I ran.
I ran a lot. I ran to so many places! I ran towards so many things and...
I also ran away.
But that's just how running is, right? Like playing tag! You can't always be chasing...
I don't understand.
I've fought so many.
Ani, Lin, Yarnha, Floor Guardians, and countless other Monsters.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Why do you look angrier than all of them?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Why do you hate me so much?
Why are you so angry?
I want to know.
I don't want to know.
I'm scared of learning about it.
I'm scared that learning about it will change me.
I'm scared of accepting you.
I don't want to!
I want you to stay this way! As a story that I told Elisa!
You're -The boy who loved running-. I don't want you to be any more than that!
In the first place, you're weak! You're just a child! You can't do anything! You died without accomplishing anything! You're useless and helpless to the world around you! You're... You're...
You're not me!
You're not me...
I don't want to remember...
Why are you so persistent?
I want to know...
These emotions that I feel, but that aren't mine... You can make them mine...
If I remember, then those emotions will make sense.
But-
"Coward." The child pointed at the white-scaled Monster, whose body was covered by darkness, just like half of his face.
"Do you hate me?" The white-scaled Monster asked.
The child shook his head.
"Then...?"
"I don't want you to forget me. You have to remember me!"
The white-scaled Monster remained unmoving for a while as countless thoughts passed through its mind.
"Do you hate me?" The child asked.
The white-scaled Monster was surprised. It took some time before answering,
"I... I think I do."
"Why?"
"I can feel it... Your hatred. But also... My hatred towards you. But I... I don't understand it."
"Then understand it!" The child shouted enthusiastically.
"Why do you hate so much? Why do you hate me?"nOvE(lB-In
"Because you won't stop running away! Because you won't remember! But you have to!"
"Why do I have to?"
"Because... If you don't remember then... You'll continue hating me."
"...!" The white-scaled Monster's eyes widened. "Oh... That makes sense."
"It does?"
"Mm." The white-scaled Monster nodded. "Reborn... I was Reborn... But I kept my memories. The Rebirth creates a clear cleavage between... Both lives. Between the me I used to be, and the me that I, currently, am..." The white-scaled Monster whispered.
"Is that so...?"
"Even if I want to forget about, I can't. Because you're part of me..."
"That's what I've been saying!!"
"I can't get rid of you. If I try to shut you out, you'll shackle me..."
"Well, if you don't leave me a choice..."
"Kind of like repressed memories when it comes to trauma... Except that this was caused by the Rebirth?"
"Repr... What are those?"
"But... I have been running away from you. Suppressing you. Repressing you. You and... Certain thoughts."
"You shouldn't do that!" The child shouted as he spread his arms wide. "Why repress anything, if it comes from you? Why put chains around your own wrists?"
"Why...? Well, because... Because I didn't want to disappoint you?"
"Really? You did it for me?" The child asked, his eyes shining.
"I'm... Not sure."
"Oh..."
"You're not... As scary as I thought."
"Huh? But you're the Monster here."
"I am. I guess I was scared of..."
"Disappointing me? You did. Countless times."
"Huh... Is that why I've been feeling... Weird?"
"Maybe." The child shrugged. "I don't really know much about these things."
"You're not so scary now... Why do you hate so much? Who? Why are you so angry?"
"I've been trying to tell you. If you would just-"
The white-scaled Monster let out a heavy sigh.
It raised its gaze towards the dark sky above.
Night had fallen. Who knows when?
"I'm done running away from you."
"Really?" The child's eyes glittered.
The white-scaled Monster rolled its eyes.
"Tell me about it."
It started walking, and the child walked by its side.
"So one day I was watching Tv, and it was this race that-"
"I know that part already."
"Oh. Then... Where should I start-"
The child's words were interrupted by the white-scaled Monster's laughter.
"What's so funny?" The child asked as he stopped walking.
The white-scaled Monster turned back.
'There it is...'
Cold lifeless eyes. A hatred deeper than any he had ever witnessed, not even on the face of those staring death in the eyes.
The white-scaled Monster stared into those eyes and,
Are you laughing at me?
Because I'm a child you think you can laugh?
What's so funny?
Is it because my heart is weak?
Are you laughing because I can't run?
Don't laugh at me! If I could do those things, I would be better than you! I'D BE BETTER!
Are you laughing because I'm sick? Because I'm weak? IF I COULD I WOULD BE...
I'm not a cripple! Don't call me that! Don't look at me as if I was one!
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?
You think it's funny?
You think you can look at me from above and laugh? You think you can pity me? I don't need your pity! Fuck you! Don't laugh at me! Don't look at me! I hope you slip and hit your head. I hope you hit your head and crack your skull! I hope you cross the road and car runs you over! I hope you burn and-
'What's wrong with you...?' The white-scaled Monster let out a dry chuckle.
"Sorry. I'll listen."
The child stared for a bit, before nodding.
The two took a step forward, and the scenery around them changed.
They walked through the dark forest, but neither talked.
'The Rebirth caused a cleavage... That's why I can't remember. That's why there's -Me- and -Him-. The separation shouldn't be there. But then...' The white-scaled Monster brought a hand to its stomach. 'Here it is... Dread. And intense anxiety. How many times have I run away from them? How many times have I run away from that thought? I can't...' The white-scaled Monster stopped walking suddenly. 'Run away from that thought anymore.'
Its hands shook. Its body trembled.
The white-scaled Monster took a deep breath in.
'The Rebirth caused a cleavage. In a way... In a way... My soul is shattered. I need to... Assemble the pieces together. Once they're assembled, once I remember, once... The different shards put together. Those... Make up... Mark.' The white-scaled Monster's breathing grew heavier and heavier with each thought. 'If those make up Mark, then who am I? Am I just a shard? No! I'm Mark. Then who is he? My imagination! A shard. I'm scared... The two of us are standing here... What if I remember? What if everything is put together? What will happen to the -Me- that I am now? Will I disappear? No! He's the one who will disappear! But we're both standing here... What I'm the one... What if I'm the one who will-'
Suddenly, the white-scaled Monster's shaking ceased.
The white-scaled Monster's breathing stabilized, as its hand was held.
The child was looking away, but his hand had been wrapped around the Monster's.
The Monster stared at the child for a bit, before raising his gaze and staring ahead.
"Ha..." The white-scaled Monster chuckled dryly. A child grabbing its shaking hand. "You're strong." The Monster whispered.
"No... I'm weak."
"Mm." The white-scaled Monster nodded as it noticed that the hand holding its own was shaking. "We're both pretty weak, huh?"
"Maybe..."
The Monster raised its gaze towards the dark sky.
Scales. Claws. Numerous limbs. Magic. Yet, still weak.
"That must be disappointing for you... And frustrating."
