Chapter 348 Not My Room!
The more I think about it, the clearer it becomes.
I'm nothing but weak.
I fought for so long. Fighting is practically all I've done in this life.
I killed so many. Hundreds? No... Thousands. How many thousands? More than I can count.
And I Devoured them all.
I swallowed all of them.
But I'm still weak.
What was it for?
***
"Why didn't you kill her? That Commander?" The child asked.
"I didn't have the strength to do it." The white-scaled Monster answered.
"Don't lie to me. There were times when she completely dropped her guard."
"Yeah..."
"Don't you want to become stronger?"
"I do."
"Then why didn't you do it?"
"Because... It would have also made me... Weaker." The white-scaled Monster admitted.
"Weaker? How would killing her have made you weaker? Everything you kill makes you stronger. Everything you eat makes you stronger."
"It would have made me weaker... On the inside."
The child nodded.
***
Whether it is on the inside or on the outside, I am weak.
I'm not strong like that Commander. I'm not strong like Zephyr. I'm not strong like Raven...
Compared to them, I am weak.
I'm not strong like Elisa, like Yarnha...
Compared to them, I am weak.
I want to have both those strengths.
And so, I have neither.
I can't decide.
I can't choose one.
Act cowardly and Devour the Commander? Act somewhat honorably and remain weak?
Which should I sacrifice?
I chose one this time, but... I don't know which I'll choose next time. Which side will win? Which side is more important to me?
I don't know.
I can't decide.
I can't decide because I don't know. I don't know because I don't remember.
But what if I remember and decide to be weak? What if I remember and start feeling disgusted by this life as a Monster?
What if I remember and... One side disappears?
Maybe I should remain this way. Maybe it's only this way that both sides can remain. In having both sides, I have more! I am more!
But then... I can't decide.
Because both sides fight, because they clash, because they're conflicted, because both sides win and lose against one another, nothing seems set in stone.
The future is unpredictable.
Countless ways things could unfold... The polar opposite of how it was in that hospital room.
There's chaos inside me.
That chaos offers limitless possibilities.
That chaos keeps me from choosing.
To focus on something is to forget about the rest.
To choose an option is to reject the others.
I don't want to reject certain options. But that's what it means to decide on something.
I'm too weak to decide. I'm too weak to have both.
If I was stronger, I could have both.
If I was stronger, I wouldn't lose.
If I was stronger, I wouldn't have lost to the Demon Lord of Lust.
If I was stronger, I wouldn't have lost to my own lust.
If I was stronger, I could fight and have them by my side.
If I was stronger, I could fight AND protect them.
But I'm weak. I can't do both.
I have to decide.
Do I reject my past, or embrace it?
Which option will make me stronger?
***
The child's hand exerted a bit more pressure, and the white-scaled Monster, which had been deep in thought, raised its gaze.
"Remember it?"
"Yeah... I do."
In front of the two, a room with three walls had appeared.
They stood at the room's entry.
"Want to go inside?" The child asked, an eye peeking at the white-scaled Monster by his side.
"I don't want..."
Constricting. Scary. Cage. Trapped. A wingless bird. Dread. What if I won't be able to leave again? Terrifying. Boring. The room where I lived. The room where I died. What if once again... The doors close and...
"To run away from it anymore." The white-scaled Monster continued as it stepped forward.
The child nodded, and followed.
Across from the two, was a window.
Perpendicular to the wall on the left, was a bed.
Next to the wall on the right, was a small table with two seats.
The white-scaled Monster was surprised. The room was exactly what it thought of as a -hospital room-. It was a copy of the mental image that the Monster had in mind.
The white-scaled Monster chuckled at how ridiculous the thought was.
'Of course, that's the case... This room...' It walked into the room, and passed its hand over the walls, table, chairs, and curtains which hid the window.
In doing so, the white-scaled Monster realized why the thought had come to mind earlier.
It turned around. Its eye studied every corner of the room.
The room reminded the Monster of Elisa's inside the Dungeon.
"What do you think?" The child asked.
The Monster stared profoundly. Or perhaps, absent-mindedly.
A sadness started rising from within.
There was only one way to describe the room. To describe what the Monster thought of the room.
"It's..."
The room in which years and years had been spent.
The room in which Mark had remained for more than ten years.
"Plain." The white-scaled Monster sighed. "Is it... It feels like..."
"Like?"
"It feels like it remained the same. Like... This is how it was when I found it. And this is how was when I left it."
"Is that so?"
"The room... Didn't change. It didn't change at all. How many years...? How many years did I spend here? And why... Didn't I have any impact on the room? I could have... Changed it at least."
"Mmm... Well, Mina used to bring flowers to put in the vase that Dad and Mom bought me."
"That's it...? This was my room... Why didn't I change anything about it? Why didn't I make it look... Different? Or nice?"
"Is it that important to you?" The child asked.
The white-scaled Monster walked towards the room's sole table.
At its center, a vase filled with roses that had long withered.
"Why... Didn't I make this room mine?" The white scaled Monster whispered, its back to the window and bed.
The sound of curtains being slowly moved resonated.
The white-scaled Monster turned around before raising an arm.
The light coming in was blinding.
"Geh! Too much light..." The child complained.
The sun shone brightly.
Faint shouts could be heard from the outside.
The white-scaled Monster walked closer to the window, and so did the child.
"...!"
"Remember them?"
Across from the hospital was a small parking lot. On a wall, a rectangle had been drawn with chalk.
"I think I do..."
The white-scaled Monster stood in front of the window, and watched as the running teenagers in the parking lot dribbled, passed, and shot the ball at their feet, aiming for it to hit the inside of the drawn rectangle.
The white-scaled Monster stood silently.
The teenagers had no faces.
Their clothes changed. The ball they played with changed.
Even the parking lot went through certain changes.
The rectangle drawn with chalk remained unchanging. No matter how much time passed, that rectangle remained. The same exact rectangle.
The white-scaled Monster slowly raised its hand, before laying it against the cold window's glass.
How long had he remained in front of that window, staring at that rectangle?
How many times did he dream about entering that parking lot?
How many times did he dream about reaching that rectangle?
The only thing that remained consistent alongside him. The only thing that never left him. The only that, just like him, never changed.
Squirm-
Squirm-
The white-scaled Monster turned around.
The one area it had refused to approach or touch.
Squirm-
A body so thin it had disappeared under the blanket.
A presence so weak it couldn't be felt.
He struggled to sit up, but eventually did.
His gaze was glued to the blanket covering his straightened legs.
He looked to his left.
The white-scaled Monster felt a shiver.
He must have been about 17 or 18 years old.
The despair and hatred were nothing like anything the white-scaled Monster had ever experienced.
"You-"
The child grabbed the Monster's hand before it could utter a sentence.
Both exchanged a look, before following his gaze.
Unsurprisingly, it led to that rectangle.
The white-scaled Monster stared for a bit, before letting out a sigh.
'That rectangle... Hope, huh?'
It looked around the room, and scratched its head.
'The same room. The same way I found it. The same way I left it. I never... Made this room mine. From the beginning to the end, it was never -My room-. Ha!' The white-scaled Monster let out a dry chuckle. 'I never gave it that Title. Or rather, I never accepted it. This... Was never Home to me. This room was never MY room, so why would I decorate it?'
The white-scaled Monster turned towards the window once more.
The three watched.
'Why would I put effort into it...'
The rectangle, the teenagers playing, the parking lot, the outside world.
'When I'm leaving soon?'
Slowly, they started fading away.
The walls, the outside world, the room...
"Ready? To learn about me?" The child asked.
"Yeah..." The window had disappeared, but the white-scaled Monster's gaze remained locked in its direction. "I'm ready."
"You called me -The boy who loved running- many times but... That's not really true."
"It's not?"
"Mm." The child shook his head. "It's a bit..." His gaze moved to the ground, and the expression on his face darkened.
"A bit more complicated than that?"novE(lb-In
"Yea..." The child answered without looking up.
"It's time for me to understand. To understand myself. To understand you. Therefore..."
The scenery started changing once more.
"Show me."
