Chapter 349 Ley's Fault?
As the scenery changed, a thought knocked inside the white-scaled Monster's mind incessantly.
'Why didn't he... I expected him to say something...'
With time, people change.
It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that the thirty-year-old -You- and the ten-year-old -You- are completely different people.
The same person. The same name. And yet...
With the appearance of the seventeen-year-old Mark, the white-scaled Monster had expected him to say his piece. But he had remained silent.
Was his despair just that heavy? So much so that even a few words were too much to ask?
The white-scaled Monster wasn't sure. But the thought did lead to a question.
'Why am I talking to the younger version of me? Or rather... Why am I seeing a child?'
The older Mark should have more to say. The older Mark should know more. Since he lived longer.
'Is it because I forgot... Even in my past life? No. I don't think that's it. Then...'
A puzzling idea.
'I'm... The present me.' The white-scaled Monster thought. 'Then my past self... My past life is childhood? That life... Is this life's childhood?'
It made sense.
That childhood cannot be remembered in its entirety. Only bits and pieces remain.
Still, childhood(The past) is what dictates adulthood(The present).
It isn't rare for unknown emotions and feelings to suddenly rise, and for them to lead to undesirable actions and confusion. The past, if it is remembered, can be the place where the answers hide. A hatred for authority stemming from hatred for a teacher. A penchant for drinking stemming from hatred for a parent's penchant. Antisocial behavior stemming from a shyness during childhood.
It isn't rare nor uncommon for the past to turn into invisible shackles.
Childhood is a beautiful place in which fond memories of a carefree time reside.
But perhaps it is because that time is "carefree" that bad memories will stealthily hide in the shadows. They'll hide and, with time, turn into knots.
'I see you as a child because my past life has become a childhood of sorts. Or maybe because... Because I was just Reborn. How much time has passed? How long have I lived in this World? I do not know. All I know is that... I don't know anything about this World for now. I don't understand anything about it. I have only seen tiny pieces of it. In the first place... It wasn't that long ago that I...' The white-scaled Monster scratched its nape and sighed. 'It wasn't that long ago that I left the place where I was (Re)born.'
"Remember this place?"
"A... Gymnasium? Not really but... I can envision it."
"Remember that?" The child asked as he pointed.
"No. I assume that's where I used to sit."
"That's right." The child walked and took a seat on the bench. "I stayed here every time. Want to sit too?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I just... Don't want to."
"You don't want to sit on the bench anymore?"
"I don't."
"You don't want to watch them play anymore?"
"I don't."
"It's fun though."
"Only when you can't play."n)-O/.v.(e/(l/.B..1//n
"That's true..." The child muttered. "But I did have a good time watching them."
"You did?"
"Yeah. It was fun! They were playing. They were having fun. I couldn't play but... Ugh... I was far from them but... At least I was..."
"At least you were with them?"
"Yes! I couldn't play, but I shouted a lot! And they answered me too, so that was fun."
"You didn't hate it? Being unable to play with them?"
"Of course I did!" The child shouted. "They were so close! Having so much fun! Of course, I hated not being able to play. But I didn't hate watching them."
"Huh? That..."
"Not what you expected?" He asked.
The white-scaled Monster turned towards the center of the gymnasium.
"Come. Sit! It's starting soon!" The child said as his palm hit the bench repeatedly.
"What's starting?"
"The match!"
"Don't you... Want to play?"
"I do."
"Then why do you watch them? Doesn't it hurt? Seeing them have fun while you're..."
"Mmm..." The child pondered the question, a hand on his chin. "It does."
"Why... Do you do that to yourself then?"
"Am I supposed to go away once the match starts?"
"Doesn't it hurt? Having what you want shoved in your face?"
"I want it. So why wouldn't I want it shoved in my face? Give me more! Haha!"
"Huh? Because... You're not going to get it-"
The child's gaze suddenly turned colder than ice.
"Why do you say that?" The child asked, wearing a face showing no signs of emotion which sent a shiver down the white-scaled Monster's spine.
"Why...? Because-"
A whistle was blown suddenly.
"Come! Sit! It's starting!"
The white-scaled Monster's eyes widened.
The expression on Mark's face inside the gymnasium is too different from the one inside the hospital.
It clicked.
'It doesn't hurt seeing them. Of course it wouldn't.' The white-scaled Monster started walking towards the bench. 'Seeing them gives you hope. It's like... A dream, isn't it? There's nothing more fun for a child than getting to play with other children. You're not part of the game, so you watch. You're not part of either of the two teams, so you shout at both. You shout and laugh, because maybe next week... You'll get to play. Just like inside the hospital. Keeping the room the same way it was. Because maybe next week... I'll be better, and I'll get to leave.'
With its knees inches away from the bench, the white-scaled Monster remained standing while staring at the child.
The child's eyes were brimming with excitement.
If it's this fun to watch, imagine how fun it will be to play!
With a heavy heart, the white-scaled Monster sat on the bench.
"What are you doing?" The child asked candidly.
The white-scaled Monster had its elbows on its knees, its palms covered its face.
"Don't you want to watch?"
The Monster sighed.
"Let's watch... One last time."
"Mm!" The child nodded enthusiastically.
How did the child lose his enthusiasm?
How did he lose his joy? His passion?
'Let's watch...'
The death of hope.
"Oh, by the way..." The child started, and the white-scaled Monster turned its gaze towards him.
"Mm?"
"I hate Elisa."
"You do?"
"Yeah..."
"I love her."
"I know."
"Why do you hate her?"
"I'm not sure. Why do you love her?"
"I'm not sure. Love is more complex than hatred."
"It is?"
Nod-
"Then I think... I hate her for the same reason that you love her."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Let's just watch."
"So you like watching others play!"
"Now that I can play... Yes."
"There was this girl. Ley."
"I don't remember her."
"She was funny. I hated her. At first."
"Why?"
"Because she didn't like playing."
"That's why you hated her?"
"Yes. Because she could play with the others. But she still decided to sit on this bench. Every time."
"Didn't that make you feel less lonely?" The white-scaled Monster asked.
"It did... But I still hated her."
"Did she leave the bench at one point?"
"She did. She started playing more. She started having more fun."
"That's when you hated her?"
"No. I stopped hating her before that."
"She was on the bench just like you... But now she gets to play."
"Yes."
"She got exactly what you wanted."
"She did."
"You thought the two of you were in the same boat. But it turned out that you were alone? That this was your bench and yours alone?"
"No. I was happy to see her play. I even started liking her... I think."
"She gave you hope then?"
"She did."
"You thought that just like her, you would get to play after some time?"
"Yes, but not just because she got to play."
"Then?"
"She gave me... Hope. And a plan. A plan that would allow me to play later on."
"A plan?"
"Yes. After she followed that plan, she started playing more and more. She started having more fun."
"That sounds weird."
"Does it? Haha."
"What was the plan?"
"Can you see her?" The child asked suddenly while pointing.
"That's Ley?"
"Yes."
"She's that important?"
"Ley is... She's..."
"She's?"
"The one with whom it began. It's all... Her fault."
"What did she do? Why is it her fault?"
"It's her fault that... It's her fault that..." The child's hands shook. "It's her fault... That I got my hopes up."
The white-scaled Monster's eyes narrowed.
"She let you down?"
"No... She didn't do anything wrong. We were just... Different."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It was just... Childish hope... I was just... I just wanted to... Get better... I just wanted to... Become stronger..."
"Because of your weak heart?" The white-scaled Monster questioned, ignoring the child's shuddering.
"She gave me hope. I thought I could do it too... I thought I could do it too... But then... It didn't work for me... I just wanted to..."
The white-scaled Monster didn't really understand. But the child's shuddering made it obvious that it was important. The child's shuddering, and the emotion of dread that had started rising suddenly.
"Mom and Dad stopped coming to see me. I lost all my friends. No one came to see me. I was alone in that room. I had no one. I couldn't run. I couldn't walk. I couldn't move. My heart wasn't beating enough. I was trapped. I was slowly... Slowly dying. I couldn't do anything. I just wanted to play with them!" The child shouted, tears going down his face.
"What happened?"
"It was my fault. I... I..."
"Being born that way doesn't make it your f-"
"IT WAS MY FAULT!"
"Fine then..." The white-scaled Monster's scratched its neck multiple times. "Show me."
