Chapter 354 Seeking Pain
Pain is weakness leaving the body...?
I wonder if this is when it happened.
When it started.
I've gone through many fights by now.
Countless enemies I've crushed and killed.
I thought I was immature. I thought I was insecure. I thought that was the reason I fought the way I did.
Taking my time, letting my opponent show all of the cards it holds, waiting patiently for them... I was arrogant.
But maybe I wasn't?
Maybe this is the reason.
Not fight the optimal way, letting it get worse over and over again...
It's a part of me. Ingrained in my body and soul. Maybe that's why I've been living that way without even knowing it.
Lying on the ground, unable to breathe or scream, pain like no other...
That wasn't a special day or something. It was just the first.
No matter how many times I passed out, I kept training.
No matter how many times my whole body screamed at me to stop, I kept going.
It was the only way to get stronger, see?
The only way...
Because pain is weakness leaving the body.
I kept doing that, day after day.
It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.
I kept doing that. Because it was all I could do.
Without telling Dad, Mom, or the doctors, I kept doing that.
I couldn't tell them. They would have told me to stop.
They didn't understand how much this meant to me. How much I wanted it. They didn't know how to help me.
I was tired of living that way.
I wanted to help myself.
Is that really so wrong?
I don't think it is. I'm not sure.
While keeping it hidden from them, I ran.
Training.
I was introduced to training that way.
I wonder if that's part of the reason why I didn't train much inside the Dungeon. Part of the reason why I didn't spend more time amassing Experience Points...
Training that way as a child.
Smiling through the pain. Smiling because of the pain. I hated the pain of course. But it gave me a sense of progress.
Something was happening. Something was changing. Weakness was leaving...
I wonder if this is when I started seeking pain.
I think that's the case.
Maybe?
Probably.
The more it hurts, the more weakness is leaving my body. Yes, that's when I got it ingrained in my mind.
That's when it became part of me.
I wonder how long it is after this that I started thinking this way.
If it doesn't hurt, then I'm not getting stronger.
If it doesn't hurt... Then I must be doing something wrong.
Do I want it to hurt? No.
Why does it feel wrong when it doesn't hurt? Why did I want to kill them myself to Devour them? Why did I think I didn't deserve Devouring them just because I didn't kill them myself?
Because a coward doesn't deserve that.
Because it wouldn't have hurt. No pain would have been felt that way. I don't deserver to get stronger if I didn't suffer. I need to suffer to grow stronger. More! Stronger! More! Suffer more!
Because I want to get my own meals now. I used to think about it inside the hospital. Every day, my food would be brought in by Mina. Cooked and everything. I never had to worry about that. I never had to worry about food. Ever. Then one day, I was introduced to this concept somehow. Some people don't eat meat. They're vegetarian. I thought it was weird. Meat tastes really good after all! But then... I started thinking about it more. About what it meant to eat meat. There isn't much to it really. In the end, it's prey and predator. The stronger ones eat the weaker ones. I felt sad about those animals, but I still had to eat. I still wanted to eat. One day, part of my lunch was rabbit meat. Weird, right? I had never eaten rabbit meat before. Rabbits are cute, so that felt strange too. What felt worse, was realizing my condition in the middle of that meal. Realizing that I could barely stand at that moment. Realizing I could barely walk. Realizing that I never would have been able to catch that rabbit myself. If I had been the one to find it, it would still be roaming the world. I would have been completely unable to do a thing. That's how weak my body was. If the rabbit had malicious intentions, it might have been able to beat me! No, I don't think so. Still, my hunger disappeared right away. I think I might have thrown up too. So weak that I wouldn't be able to catch anything. So weak that I wouldn't be able to hunt anything. To kill anything. So weak that I don't deserve to eat. But I still need to. I still want to. I don't deserve it, because I wouldn't have been able to do it myself. I don't deserve it, but I still eat it. It doesn't taste good to me anymore.
I think there are many things I don't deserve.
...
"Say..." The child pulled on the white-scaled Monster's hand. "Why did I do that?" He pointed at the child dozens of meters away, who lay on the ground trembling from the pain.
"To get stronger." The white-scaled Monster answered without turning towards the child by its side.
"Say..." He pulled again. "Was it worth it? Did I get stronger?"
The white-scaled Monster flinched slightly before turning its gaze towards the child.
"Why are you asking me that?"
"Why are you looking at me this way? You look so angry. Did I do something wrong?"
The words made the white-scaled Monster tremble.nOve.lB.1n
"You..." The Monster brought its right knee to the ground. Its throat fought back. It struggled to say the words. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I didn't?"
"No, you didn't."
"Then was it worth it? Did I get stronger? Was I able to play with them?" Clear brimming eyes. Shinning.
The white-scaled Monster didn't like those kind of eyes. It hated them. It loved them. It had lost that shine long ago.
"I... Don't think so."
The child pulled back at the Monster's words.
"Then..." The boy stepped back, a horrified expression appeared on his face. "Why did I go through all that? Why did I go through all that pain?"
"..."
"Answer me!" The child demanded as he held back his tears. "WHY DID I GO THROUGH IT? IT HURT SO MUCH! EVERYTIME! DAY AFTER DAY, IT HURT! FOR WHAT?!"
"IT WAS FOR NOTHING!" The white-scaled Monster shouted back. "IT WAS FOR NOTHING! IT... It didn't accomplish anything..."
"For... Nothing?" The child's gaze moved towards the passed out and trembling Mark. "No. No. No! NO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN FOR NOTHING? DAY AFTER DAY I RAN! DAY AFTER DAY I TRAINED! WHAT DO YOU MEAN FOR NOTHING? IT HURT SO MUCH! SO MUCH WEAKNESS SHOULD HAVE LEFT MY BODY! I SHOULD BE STRONG NOW! WHY AM I WEAK? WHY ARE YOU WEAK??"
The white-scaled Monster's gaze remained locked on the grass below. It couldn't find the words. It couldn't find an answer.
Hopelessness. Despair. Helplessness.
The white-scaled Monster had felt and gone through these three.
Unable to decide where to go. Unable to do a thing as they're taken away. Unable to fight back. Unable to control its body. Unable to...
The white-scaled Monster had felt them all.
But nothing hurt quite like seeing a child go through them.
Maybe it hurt more because the child was who the Monster used to be. Perhaps it would have hurt more if it was an unknown child.
"That was supposed to be... Supposed to be... My super secret... My secret... Training arc-"
Unable to find the words, the white-scaled Monster pulled the whimpering child closer and into its arms.
"You didn't do... Anything wrong. You tried your best to get stronger. You trained and trained and trained. It hurt so much but you kept going. You're... You were... You were... Courageous. And strong."
"I didn't do anything wrong...?"
"No." The white-scaled Monster answered as it shook its head. "You did a lot. You did the best you could. I'm..." A crack appeared on the scales covering the Monster's face. "Proud of you. Proud that I was-"
"Bahahaha! That's funny!"
Only then did the white-scaled Monster notice that the child's sobs had, at some point, turned into chuckles.
"What?"
"Proud of me? Accomplished nothing? Bahahaha!" The child jumped back and away from the white-scaled Monster as he laughed out loud. "Did you really think THAT would accomplish nothing? Because it did! It did accomplish something!" The child laughed uncontrollably as his face, which was gripped by his hands, twisted.
"You...?" The white-scaled Monster's confusion grew.
"BAHHAHAHA!" The child's laughter grew louder and wilder. "THAT'S SO FUNNY! PROUD OF ME HE SAYS! HAHAHAHA!"
Three seconds later, the child's laughter ceased suddenly and his body froze.
"I tried really hard. What was it for?"
"To grow stronger." The white-scaled Monster answered as its eyes narrowed.
"It hurt so much. What was it for?"
"You... I was just a kid. That kind of despair isn't-"
"I trained and trained and trained to grow stronger and stronger and stronger. I ran and ran and ran because I wanted my heart to get stronger and stronger and better and stronger!"
The child's gaze which had been moving in every direction erratically was suddenly locked on the white-scaled Monster.
"How do you think it felt when I realized it?"
A smile filled with pain. Tears of despair. Helpless. Foolish. In pain.
"It was because..."
"That's right." The child grinned through his tears. "My Super Secret Training Arc."
"It's... It's not-"
"It is." The child nodded. "It's because of that that I ended up in that hospital." He chuckled as he raised his arms to his sides and took a deep breath in. "Mom and Dad stopped seeing me. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't see anyone. I was all alone. My whole life trapped in that room and..."
"It was..."
"All my fault."
