Chapter 355 The One To Blame Is...
"It was so hard... So hard being alive. I ran and ran until I spat blood for more than a year. Day after day... And then, I lived the rest of my life stuck in a hospital room. My dreams, my aspirations... All of them were taken from me. I couldn't do anything. I hated that hospital. I hated... Everything. I was so mad..." The boy suddenly chuckled. "Just kidding! It really wasn't hard at all. Can't complain, since it was my fault!" The child remained silent for a bit. His voice grew slightly weaker. "It did feel strange though. Going to the doctors, as I usually did. Suddenly, Mom comes running towards me. She hugs me suddenly. She cries as she holds me. 'I'm sorry, Mark! I'm so sorry!' She shouted. What was she apologizing for? They said my condition had gotten worse. Strange, when I had been training to get stronger for more than a year. Guess that just shows how much weakness there was to purge. How much weakness in me... How much in me there was to eliminate, you know? After that, it's all a blur. Visiting the doctors became more frequent. Eventually, I was admitted to the hospital indefinitely. How long did it take before I understood that the running and training were the cause of my condition getting worse? Maybe I've always known it. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want... To accept it..."
"You-"
"So anyways! Mom and Dad kept apologizing for a while. It's funny. I used to think 'What are you apologizing for? Are you apologizing for giving birth to me or something?'. I used to think this way a lot. It's easier to make myself the victim, isn't it? I never told them that I had been running and training until I spat blood, until I couldn't breathe, until I couldn't see a thing. I never told them about it. The doctors didn't want me to do it. Mom and Dad didn't want me to do it. I still ran. Because I thought I knew better. And now... They're apologizing continually, thinking that it's their fault. And I let them think that it was their fault. I kept the secret. The Super Secret Training Arc remained a secret forever. I wonder if they still blame themselves for that... Just kidding! I don't care about them. I never have. I never... Because if I did care... If I did... Then I wouldn't have..."
"You can't blame yourself for-"
"Shut up. Are you making fun of me?"
"Huh?"
"Don't talk to me like that. Don't look at me like that. What the fuck are you doing? You think you can pity me?"
"No, I'm just saying that-"
"Don't look at me like the rest of them. 'Oh, poor Mark is stuck in a hospital. The world is so unfair...' Is that the type of bullshit you want to tell me?"
With narrow eyes, the white-scaled Monster stared at the boy in front of it. The centipede... It became clear now. The centipede inside the Monster's head, the centipede that was cracking, contorting, and twisting itself. It wasn't something that Nia had put in there. The boy in front of the Monster was that centipede.
"I do pity you."
"Then fucking don't! It was my fault that it happened, so there's nothing to pity."
"Still-"
"Just shut up! How dare you pity me when you're worse than me?? You refuse to accept that anything is your fault! You refuse to see yourself for what you really are!"
"You don't need anyone's pity."
"I don't! I don't need it! I don't want it! Don't look at me like you're better! Don't look at me like you're above me! I don't want anyone's pity! I don't want anyone's help!"
"Ha!" The white-scaled Monster chuckled. "Look who's lying now."
The child's eyebrow twitched.
"I'm not lying."
"You don't need pity? You don't need help? You don't want them?"
"That's right."
"You're such a liar!"
"I'm not lying!"
"You are!"
"What's the truth then??"
"It's that you don't deserve help! You don't deserve pity!" The boy took a step back and stared. His clenched fists shook slightly. "You thought you knew better, and you fucked it up. Everything! You messed it all!"
"You... You..." The boy fought to hold his tears. "You think you're better than me? AH! You don't deserve those things either! You're just like me! Just like how I didn't tell them... How did it feel telling Elisa your version of the story? How did it feel thinking about your past self as a tragic hero suffering? Made to suffer due to the world's unfairness? I bet you thought I didn't hate everything. I bet you thought... I bet..."
"You think that you don't... That you didn't deserve those things. But you did."
"I didn't! It was my fault! I never told them!"
"It wasn't your fault."
"IT WAS! IT WAS MY FAULT! IF I HADN'T TRIED TO... IF I HAD LISTENED TO THEM... Then maybe I would have gotten better... Or at least, I wouldn't have ended up in that hospital... No matter how I look at it, I'm the only one at fault. It was all-"
"You were a dumb kid. A dumb kid who thought he knew better. A dumb kid who made a mistake-"
"FOR MORE THAN A YEAR I-"n--o(-V).e((l.(B..I/(n
"YOU WERE STILL TO YOUNG!! TO YOUNG TO KNOW ANYTHING!! TOO YOUNG TO KNOW BETTER!! YOU WERE... You were trying your best."
The child stared at the ground silently.
"Then who's at fault?"
"It's-"
"Why did I have to suffer? Why did I go through all that pain? If I'm not at fault... If I wasn't wrong... Then why was I punished for trying to get better?"
"I..."
"Why was I punished? Why did I have to be locked inside that hospital? If I was just a kid... If a kid can't be blamed... Why was I? If it wasn't my fault... Who am I supposed to blame?"
"No one can be blamed for that."
"Liar! Someone has to be blamed!"
"No one can be blamed! Your actions had consequences!"
"Then I am to blame!"
"You're not!"
"Then who's fault is it? Who's fault is it that a child who only wanted to get better... Who only wanted to play with other children... Who only wanted to make his parents proud... Who's fault is it that the child ends up punished?"
"It's no one's-"
"I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SMARTER! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! I SHOULD HAVE... I SHOULD HAVE BEEN... I should have been stronger."
"You can't think that everytime that..."
"Do you think I'm innocent?"
"You are."
"So I'm blameless?"
"You are."
"Why do innocent people get punished?"
"Because... That's just..."
"Remember? I had to blame myself." The scenery started changing as the child talked. "The pain, the despair, the hatred... Were my intentions pure? I think they were. But I was still punished. I couldn't accept it. My whole life... Messed up because of my childish hopes? I was completely helpless. Completely powerless. My past actions and hopes had shaped my future. They had shaped it in a way that couldn't be changed. I was always a slave... To my younger self. To the hopes and innocent impulses of that child..."
The scenery changed and scenes played out faster and faster inside the white-scaled Monster's head.
"Funny, isn't it? That face?" The child asked as he pointed.
The two had been standing side by side as they watched years and years of Mark's life pass.
Had it been sped up?
It must have, right? Because it looked so empty.
"A bad situation... A bad situation I wanted to fix..."
"And ended up only making it worse."
"I've been deluding myself, haven't I?"
"You have. Who's to blame?"
"No one."
"Why was Elisa locked inside that Dungeon? Why were her people Corrupted and killed? Why were they kidnapped? Why did you have to fight Yarnha? Why did you have to fight Lin? Why did you hurt Elisa?"
"It's... All my fault."
"Why did Raven take your Underlings from you? Why did Raven kill Elisa's father? Why were so many hurt?"
"It was for my sake."
"It was so that you would grow stronger.
"It was my fault."
"Raven's actions are your fault?"
"He did it for me. So that I would Devour them. If I hadn't been here... They wouldn't have been hurt. Elisa would... Elisa would still be..."
"It was all your fault."
"It was."
"It's always been our fault."
"You're different! You were just a kid! I caused so much... It's my fault!"
"I'm not different, Monster. I'm You, remember?"
"So? What's that supposed to mean?"
"You don't have to lie. Don't think of me as some random kid. I'm You. So it's okay for you to hate me."
"I don't hate you!"
The child's gaze moved towards the person seated on the hospital bed.
"Remember this?"
The withering Mark stared at the window. At the outside world.
He raised a hand towards that window. It was out of reach, and so was the world.
The white-scaled Monster wanted to look away. It was a tragic image after all.
The Monster didn't look away.
"I was angry. I was tired. I wanted to have... An impact on the world."
The bed-ridden Mark folded his pinky and ring finger.
His hand took the shape of a gun and,
Bam-
Bam-
Bam-
Three buildings started crashing down.
"I wanted to have an impact. Even if meant breaking things."
"I see..."
"There was only so long I could blame my younger self. For punishing the innocent, for the unfairness, for everything that has gone wrong, for the possibility of it going wrong, what I blamed... What I hated... What I wanted to destory..."
The white-scaled Monster raised its gaze towards the dark sky above.
"Was the world itself."
