The beginning was always the same.
The gray sky, the drizzling rain, the muddy, barren garden. The chill in the air, the mud-stained nightgown. The gashes on her throat that stung. If she didn’t go back to the mansion soon, the gardener would find her. She kicked the rope near her feet and headed to the passage used by maids—she failed again this time. It’s cold. This time, once again. She gritted her teeth. What went wrong this time.
Unlike the damp hallway, the room inside was warm. The temperature was better due to the thick fur quilts that blocked out the cold and the fire that burned in the fireplace.
She took off her dirty clothes and threw them into the fireplace, at which, the fire died because her clothes were wet.
Cursing to herself as she turned on the lamp at the foot of her bed, she poured oil into the fireplace so that the fire would burn once more. She stared at the woman in the mirror. She failed again this time.
Again!
Yet again, she was revived like this.
All efforts were meaningless. Time itself was futile. Relationships held no weight. There was no such thing as love, no such thing as resentment, no such thing as sympathy. Regardless of how hard Raymond had tried, regardless of how much Verdic despised her, everything just kept going back to the beginning.
“…Hah!”
Carynne turned around. The piece of paper on her desk was all crumpled up.
There was no more need to write on that piece of paper. She absolutely hated this. Maybe, she had thought, maybe she’d live more in that life. Maybe she was desperately frightened—at the thought of actually dying.
As Carynne opened her eyes once more, she let out a long exhale. She felt a sense of relief, but it was only for a moment. A terrible sense of boredom started setting in. She’s disgusted with herself for even letting out a sigh of relief.
Again. This time again, she was alive. This time again, she was revived.
It’s the same. Dullan lied.
Carynne hunched forward and slumped on the desk. It’s hard. This time, again.
“……”
No.
Something had changed.
Carynne sat up and straightened her back. As she sat in that chair, she stared blankly into the empty air.
It’s weird. No. Something definitely changed. Even in the midst of excruciating pain, there’s one thing that’s certain. This time.
“No… It’s different…”
Carynne was aware.
The very moment she died— that very moment!
It was different. Carynne had never died before the appointed day. This time, however, she could clearly discern her previous death.
Carynne had died before the appointed day.
“…I died early.”
That’s what changed.
Carynne got up from her seat. She had to get out. She needed to check something. Clutching one single item in her hands as she ran. Though incomplete, her memories were coming back little by little.
She recalled what her mother had given her. Her mother, a red-haired woman who looked just like her, soothing her as she gave the item.
“Perhaps this can be of help to you.”
“But it could also not help me.”
Carynne never remembered until now. She stared at the gun as though she’s been entranced. She never thought of using a gun when she had killed Nancy. That notion had been completely buried in the depths of oblivion.
Why did she never think of looking for the gun that’s hidden in one corner of her room? Could more of her memories start coming back to her?
Anyway, that’s not the point right now.
Still wearing a thin dress as she ran out in a hurry, Carynne delightedly skipped as she crossed the hallways. It was dark and she was barefooted. Carynne could feel the cold ground of the corridors beneath her feet.
This time as well, the setting was the same. The mansion had not been burned to rubble. The hallways were clean. Through the many windows of the hallways, she could see the drizzling rain, ever-falling. The thin clothes she was wearing right now did nothing to protect her from the chill of the air around her, but it was of no consequence to her.
Right now, something has changed.
“Ha, haha.”
And she must check it out right away.
Carynne now stood in front of a door. Panting, she straightened herself up.
She needed to confirm it.
Carynne knocked on the wooden door.
Knock, knock.
No other sound answered her back. It was still before the break of dawn. The person inside should still be asleep. It would have been right to go back and wait until morning—but, no. Carynne could no longer wait. Clenching one hand into a fist, she hit the door.
Thud!
She pounded on the door vigorously. However, the door still remained shut.
Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud!
She banged her fist against the hard surface over and over and over again. And she would keep at it until this door would open. Need to check it now. Come on, now! Carynne banged on the door relentlessly. She did not want to wait. In the end, she shouted.
“Wake up!”
Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud!
“I said wake UP!”
Finally, bustling noises could be heard inside, and the door was soon opened by a crack. There, a woman with disheveled hair stood, rubbing her eyes as she checked who exactly was making such a ruckus. The moment she saw that it was Carynne, the woman sighed.
“Milady, it’s still nighttime.”
She was evidently tired and irritated.
“What’s wrong?”
It was the face of the dark-skinned woman Carynne knew oh so very well. She could still clearly remember how that face had changed when its owner stopped breathing.
Carynne beamed.
It’s you. My maid. The first person I had strangled to death.
“Nancy!”
Carynne hugged Nancy right away. Nancy was puzzled, but returned the girl’s hug nonetheless. She patted Carynne on the back and spoke, still with a tired voice.
“Did you have another nightmare, Milady?”
“Yeah.”
“Shall we get inside?”
And Carynne replied with a smile.
“Oh, right. Are you going to erase my memories again?”
The hand that was patting Carynne’s back halted. Nancy pushed Carynne out of her embrace.
“What?”
As Nancy asked back, it looked as if cold water had been poured over her head. Any and all drowsiness she should have still felt disappeared in an instant.
Watching as the woman reacted in that manner, Carynne asked again.
“How much money do you earn from erasing my memories?”
“…Milady. Right now, what… What are you talking about? It seems like you’re still half-asleep…”
But Nancy’s tone betrayed that she, in fact, knew what Carynne was talking about. Carynne could tell. Nancy was clearly flustered, and just the tone of her voice was asking her, ‘How did you know that?’
Carynne clutched the shoulders of the befuddled Nancy.
“How long did you think I’d stay ignorant?”
“Milady, that’s not true.”
Should she continue pressing Nancy now? There were a lot of questions that Carynne wanted to ask, too. However, Carynne recalled that there was something more important than that.
“Ah, gosh.”
No, no. Not yet.
Carynne also needed to confirm that, but first, there’s something else she needed to do.
She handed over to Nancy the thing that she brought. Nancy bewilderedly held that item. It was a good, nice weight to hold onto. Carynne smiled brightly.
“Before that, I have to keep my promise.”
Carynne laughed. She had to give this as a present to Nancy.
She had promised, after all.
“Here.”
“…Huh?”
Carynne brought Nancy’s index finger to the trigger. The gun had already been loaded.
“Go on, press it.”
Then, she led the barrel to her forehead. Its cold metal felt good against her skin.
Carynne closed her eyes.
“O-Oh my god, Milady? What is this? Wait—”
While listening to Nancy’s flustered voice, Carynne helped her pull the trigger.
BANG!
The beginning was always the same.
The gray sky, the drizzling rain, the muddy, barren garden. The chill in the air, the mud-stained nightgown. The gashes on her throat that stung.
“…I knew it. Back to the beginning right away.”
Carynne stared at the sky while touching her aching neck. Before the break of dawn, the sky was dark and gloomy. However, Carynne could see hope in it.
Something that never changed had changed.
Then, there should be more things that could change.
Carynne walked through the corridors. And, she shook her head. Her memories were scattered. They still hadn’t returned to her properly.
In the previous life… No, in the life before that, her memories were in that state even though she was completely away from Nancy for about a year.
What would change once she could regain her memories?
She didn’t know the answer to that either. Just as the stars and the sun couldn’t be seen past this downcast sky.
Her enemy was constant, but also, her time was infinite. She could eventually find the answer.
Screech.
Carynne opened the door. There was a fire going in the fireplace, and there were thick fur quilts hanging on the walls to stave off the cold, thus, the room was warm. She changed out of her wet clothes. Even as chills kept running down her spine, she could feel that she was being enveloped with hope.
Same, but different.
In exchange for all the murders she had committed, she managed to find out many truths.
Carynne picked up her pen.
My name is Carynne Hare.
Her name had meaning. It’s fine. This time, next time, or even the one after that. Whether it would take her ten years or thirty years, she would persevere until the end. She would do her utmost best to die.
She had not fallen into a novel.
She had been deceived for 100 years.
But she would no longer be deceived from now on.
“My name.”
Her name was Carynne Hare.
It was through this name that she remained whole.
Carynne swept her fingertips over her handwriting.
Beneath her touch, the ink was smeared, and the words soon became blurred.
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